Finace's baby's mom won't let daughter participate or even come to her dad's wedding!?

Question

The mom (who was never married to my fiance) doesn't want her daughter to be there and doesn't have a reason. The little girl is only 4 years old. I don't want it to be a tug of war but I want her to be there when her daddy and I get married. I want her to know she's part of the family, I'm not stealing her daddy from her, and I also want her mother to understand that I'm not trying to replace her as the mom. I don't want this to cause a fued, but it really is important to both me and my fiance that his daughter be there. How do I explain to the mother of his child that I won't budge on the issue without starting war??

Her dad's in Iraq, which is why he can't be very active right now. The mom was invited and refuses to come.

Answer 1

First things, first you CAN NOT take a stance or start a war because it is not your daughter. The court is the only wat to get dual custody and then you can schedule your wedding on one of the weekends that you have her. If the mom has full custody and she doesn't want her to go, guess what she will not be there.

I am a step mother, myself. My stepdaughter and I get along great. I iniated contact with her mother, we meet and I was able to go and get my stepdaughter without my husband. After a while, the relationship I had with my stepdaughter became a problem for her mother. She saw that we were really close. I explained to her that in no way was I trying to take her place; I am her friend, mentor and another person to love and care for her, no more no less. She and my husband don't have the best relationship, I was the bridge. She didn't have our address until, she brought her daughter to the house for the weekend, my husband wasn't there.

Also, I have a friend who is dating a man with a child. They were suppose to go out of town, the three of them. At the last minute, the childs mother said he couldn't go since my friend was going. They were going to visit his family. The childs mother is with another man and lives with him if I am not mistaken. Even so she feels like she can dictate what goes on in the child's fathers life.

Answer 2

You and your fiance should sit down and talk with his daughter's mother. Now, you need to go in there knowing you have to respect and understand her positionn. No matter how much explaning you do, you MUST value her feelings.

If she says no, then she has a right. She is that girl's mother and not fair to the child to be placed in the middle of this situation. He is the father yes, however if you and your fiance don't want a war, I suggest you drop it.

Have you invited thie mother? Maybe that make her feel more comfortable with the idea. Some people say that is tacky, however if it makes things better. Who is to judge?

If you don't budge, you then are being controling and you will cause a big problem.

Plus, why isn't he taken as much active in this?

Answer 3

You might have to just respect her wishes and forget having his daughter in the wedding. There is some deep issue that your fiances ex will not let go. Your fiance has to be the one to speak to her, not you. If it is you, she will see things like you have said, trying to replace her, taking her daughter's love from her. Just mention to the fiance to have a word to her, not in any way condescending, but state how feel.
What does your fiance think of the situation?
I wish you the best of luck and congratulations on your wedding.

Answer 4

Just like "you can't help anyone unless they want to be helped" talking to the mother is probably not going to work b/c she already has it out for you. She is most likely jealous b/c you are wedding someone she is in love with and feels like he owes it to her or something along those lines.. If i were you i would personnally let the father handle that side of the issue, b/c its' his daughter and he understands the mother better than you do...

Answer 5

Sit down with her over coffee or something and tell her what you just told us in a non-threatening way.