Should I stay with someone if I dont think I can handle his child?

Question

I am with someone whose child is 13 and out of hand. He Recently moved in with us and will not behave. He lies, steals, fails school, hits my children, and has no respect for anyone. I have tried to talk to his dad about therapy and discipline and he just take the defense. I have tried to make him feel like on of the family but it is getting hard when i have no say so about what he does. I tell him he cant do something and his father says ok. I treat him like my own including I love you's but Im getting to the point I cant do it anymore and I do not want my kids thinking that his behavior is ok and following his foot steps. I feel Im being more unfair to my kids who get punished for doing bad things when the step son gets off scott free. I have to hide the fact my kids are going out with friends and relatives because the people who invite them cant handle the other. I dont tell him because I dont want to hurt his feelings but why should I not let my kids go because of him

Answer 1

This is a tough one. Your first responsibility is to your own children. If this 13 year is hitting them and showing them bad behaviour you really have no choice but to leave because that is the best interest for your kids. I would be up front with your husband about it. Ask him once more to seek help for the 13 year old and if he still is against it you have to do what you have to do. Good luck!

Answer 2

First, I feel that you should not be living together anyway. This may be a big part of the problem. It is interesting how children can teach us these things. It would be worth the sanity of your house, and the love for your children to separate, cut those ties and let him work out the issues with his child and you deal with yours. Let him move out, help him if need be, and know this: If he is not going to discipline his child now, his relationship on your children may become a major issue in the future.

There are a lot of men who will take you and love you even with children. Don't sell yourself short.

Answer 3

You dont say how long you have been together but seaking from experience I can only advise that if your partner is not prepared to work out a plan of altering this childs behaviour .........well I wouldnt do it again, I can tell you that! My step daughter was a wild child and my partner would not discuss what "we" were going to do about it. I too took his child on as my own but in hind sight I dont believe my partner did the same with mine. He never told my kids he loved them but was very quick to jump on them if they stepped out of line. When it came to his daughter it was always my fault. 22yrs later she still treats me like ****, my son doesnt come round much and my daughter is the only family I have left. So DO YOU THINK IT'S WORTH IT? I dont and I regret the time and energy and the alienation that my children suffered. Ultamatly the decision is yours....do what is best for you and yours.

Answer 4

I know this may sound harsh, but I think you have to tell your partner that if he doesn't start to back you up and get control of his child, then you can no longer be with him. I'm sure it is difficult for him to chose you over his son, but you need to present this in a loving way. Not only are you worried for your own children (and rightly so) but if the 13 year old is permitted to continue this behavior he will end up in lots of trouble later in life. Maybe your partner feels guilty about his son's life and blames himself and is soft on him for this reason. Whatever the reason, you need to let him know that allowing this behavior to continue is not only going to ruin your relationship but the boys' life. It sounds like you are trying to be patient, thoughtful and loving and it isn't working. It's time for tough love, but this has to come from his father, not you. Good luck!

Answer 5

That is indeed a problem. I suggest you give him an ultimatum (calmly), either he talks to his son or you live separately so that your kids will not be influenced by his son's bad habits. Our children come first you know.. We are responsible for their upbringing and we want only the best for them. It's your house anyway. Time will come that you will be fighting over this problem and could be the cause for separation just the same. It's better to tackle it while its still early. The longer you tolerate it the more bad influence he will have on your kids.

Answer 6

First of all, it's your house, too so you DO have some say in what the child can/can't do. And in any 2 parent household, parents have to back each other up - if you say, "no" to something, your husband shouldn't turn around and say, "yes". It undermines your authority and you need to maintain that. If you husband doesn't show you the respect of backing up your decisions, obviously, his child won't, either.

It sounds like the child has some issues that need to be addressed before he gets older and *worse*. That has to start with your husband, some discipline and (probably) counseling.

Good luck to you.

Answer 7

You must sit down and tell the step-son's father that he either starts making changes or you are leaving him! Go out to Waldenbooks or some other book store and buy this book called 40 Days and 40 Nights written by ILENE SEGALOVE. Start it and keep to it. You must think for your children first because they are your own. If your husband is not willing to make changes to make it fair in the house then it is time for you to leave becaseu then it is clear that the step-son's father is not commited to you, your children, and the relatinship. You deserve someone who is commited to everything and is willing to make it fair and better for everyone. MAKE BOUNDARIES!!! If he is not willing to help make changes and get the step-son into control then you need to prepare to leave him so that way your children can have a chance at a healthy life. If you can't leave him for yourself then leave him for your children. Your children deserve someone who is commited to them as much as you. Good luck. You can e-mail me any time if you need to talk or have someone here for you.

Answer 8

Stepparenting is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. I had 3 stepchildren. One of them was doing me the same way. I would talk to his dad about his issues and his dad would get defensive with me also. My stepson would bring girls into our home at night to spend the night while we were sleeping and I would have to take care of things the next day. One of my stepchildren was a little girl age 12, and I didn't want her to grow up in this kind of junk. I finally, after about 3 years of hell, told my husband that if he didn't put his foot down to him that I was leaving. I told him that I was not raised to live in a whorehouse and I wasn't going to live in one now. The 3 of us sat down, talked about his issues and told him that it was not going to be tolerated anymore. He got mad of course and moved out at 18. Thank God. There is hope for you too. If you love your husband, hold on and try to just lay it on the line with him. Suggest counseling with a minister or someone that you trust and try to get him to be on your side. He probably does not know what to do but it is his child and he probably feels guilty because his mom is not there and he has to defend him. No matter what your husband is thinking, just tell him how it's going to be and if he wants you to stick around, he better do something to change things. Good luck to you. You have my blessings.

Answer 9

I would tell him how everyone feels about him because just maybe if knew you could put a stop to it and tell everyone else to stop kissing his spoiled little ***. It might just make him change not to mention it might make his dad do something like bust his ***. It's not fair to your children what he is getting by with. I have a brother the same why, he wouldn't work in a pie shop tasting pies and when we were younger, my younger brother and I was always getting in trouble and he was getting out of trouble because of my mom. He was her pick, and my younger brother and I was my dad's pick because of this. Sorry so long but kids now days just piss me off.

Answer 10

wow. remember your children are always first.And if you notice your children behaving like the other . it is time to either walk out or make the child and his father understand that you will not tolerate his behavior any more and you Will not allow your children to be with his son if he cant straighten up his act and show and give respect to every one concerned.It is easy for me to say but his father needs a reality check on his kid big time. And on him self also.