Married; not in love with wife, but rather with girlfriend.?

Question

I have been married for 16.5 years and have gradually fallen out of love with my wife for various reasons. The reasons include that I am no longer physically attracted to her because she has become obese, makes no effort to clean up around the house after herself, rarely wants to have sex, and many other reasons. I have talked with her many times about the issues, but she chooses not to do anything to change. Seven months ago, I met a divorced lady that I have gotten to know quite well and we have fallen in love. My girlfriend lives about 100 miles away, but I see her quite often (at least once a week since May). She has even gone on my family vacation and stayed in a hotel next door. We also talk about every day via email, instant messenger, or telephone. When we are together, we have so much passion for each other - I never want it to end. I really don't want to remain married to my wife, but we have 2 children ages 8 and 5 that I worry about and love. Any advice?

Answer 1

18 months ago cupid struck me falling hard, very hard. I met an incredible man...whom was and still is married. We began a platonic friendship for about six months. The chemistry between the two of us was absolutely amazing. I continued to respect his being married and as I was just out of a relationship, knew that it was not a good idea to act on any physical inpulse I had. Everytime we were together, however became more and more spectacular. I kept thinking in our conversations that this man is the man I have always wanted to be with. As a small child I had and idea of "my prince" in my mind and many years ago I actually wrote down the qualities, activities, physical attributes,,,,every ingridient of this man I had pictured that I wanted to be with till the day I die. Ironic that the recipie of the "perfect man" for me was him.....one thing i did not count on or include, he is married!!!! The turning point happened...he told me that he could not see himself growing old with his wife and that he was not happy, nor had been happy for some time. I really thought about what he said and felt that,,,ok,,,if he is going to leave his wife then why not spend some more "quality" time with him and go from there. We went away for an overnight trip...Now I have had some romance in my life but this just topped everything I had ever experianced. The passion we shared that night is the most wonderful thing I have ever had with anyone...ever. A few months after our relationship becoming intimate the "I love you" came from him. Then the "I am leaving my wife". Then the "I want you to live with me when I get divorced." I told him that when he leaves her that I wanted him to date me and date other women and live on his own...just to validate that he really was in love with me not just the affair. After xmas last year he told me that he could not leave his wife right now...for financial reasons...We have continued our affair. Both of us care about each other. He says just like you,,,he loves his kids, very much. He says he loves his wife, but because she is the mother of his children, He says they do not have sex???? I really wonder about that...but some how most of me believes him. I ask him alot to just tell me that we will never be together because I can no longer be "the other woman". I now feel like its not fair he is getting his cake and eating it too..... He says never say never.....
Now, I am finally getting some where, trust me...
I am trully in love with this man. Even a year after we began an physical intimate relationship. We have shared sooo much with each other. He is my best friend...he says the same. I keep telling myself that I need to not allow any physical intimacy between us anymore. Every time we are together which is at least once a week....I can not say no like I did before. I made him wait longer (6+months) than any man in my life to get into my pants and now I can not say no...whats up with that?
I have been divorced and have children whom are almost all grown. My life is quite simple, most of the time I am alone, alot of time by myself. Its very emotionaly hard for me knowing that every eve he is at home with his family...and I wonder how often he wishes that we were sharing the eve together? I am a beautiful woman and I certainly do not have issues getting a date, however I have no desire.

Your children are going to grow up very fast. Your children are going to grow up remembering if you were a "happy father". That is what is important to them. That is the legacy you will leave them. No one can tell you to leave your wife or leave your girlfriend...your answer should be in your happiness and where you choose to find it. This is where I have to let go and let "him" figure it out on his own...yep it sucks....but I have to let "him" do it on his own....Find his happiness.

Answer 2

you should have never started cheating on your wife. If you were so unhappy in your marriage you should have gotten a divorce whether you have children or not. You aren't married to the children, they will always be a part of your life because you are their father. Tell your wife the truth and leave. your heart has already left the only thing left to leave is you and your stuff. May be you should have given your wife a little more of a chance, instead another women caught your eye, then here comes all of the excuses for why not to be faithful and working on a marriage was the least of your concerns. I feel really sorry for your wife, after 16.5 years of marriage something must have gone wrong, she may be severely depressed, but I'm sure you telling her that you cheated on her will help out alot.(sarcasm). I beleive that cheating is only for the weak and that it is a way for a devil to destroy a marriage that began with GOD in it. It is your fault..... yes she should have gotten off of her tale and did more, but you are the weak one that let the devil in. Good luck with the girl friend, I dout that she will be faithful to you in the future and let me tell you why: If she just went via a divorce her self she knows how it feels, a divorce is no fun no matter which end you are on and if she knows that you are cheating on your wife and she is letting it happen then she is a person that will look out for her needs first and always....so the first time things get rought she'll be looking around for a new catch. Most people wouldn't throw away 16.5 years, but don't worry, I"m sure this new gf won't last near that long. I know that you must think that I sound like a real b*tch, but I'm telling you the truth, you may not want to believe it but I think your mistake was not working on your marriage instead you worked on another women

Answer 3

First things first. You need to be honest with your wife. It's never easy to end a marriage even more so with ones that have kids. You need to tell your wife what is going on. Would you like it if she was cheating on you? Of course not. Have you tried going to a councilor? Maybe that will help.

If indeed you marriage is dead you need to do a whole lot of other stuff before you get any further with this new girl. Your kids are the ones you should be thinking of first. You have to figure out where they will stay? How much child support you will pay? Does your new girl like kids. Would she mind if they stayed with you all the time? Etc.

Also, what happens after a couple of years goes by and this new girl adds on a few pounds and the passions starts to die down. What then? Another new girl?

I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything but what you are doing right now is wrong. If the marriage is over then end it. Only then can you start thinking about a new life with someone else.

Answer 4

I know how difficult it is to end a marriage with children involved. I struggled long and hard and stayed with a man I didn't love for 12 years because of the children. What I found out after we finally divorced is that the younger the children are when you do divorce the easier it is on them. My youngest was 7 and had no problems. the oldest was 10 and it was much harder on him. You can continue to be a good father to them even if you don't live with them. It will take more work, but think of how you would feel if they found out about your "girlfriend". Maybe you think that is impossible and maybe it is, but you still need to do the right thing and follow your heart in a responsble manner. Tell your wife that you need to separate. Talk to your children together if you can and assure them that they willl see you whenever possible. Hopefully, your wife will have the children's best interest at heart too. good luck to you all.

Answer 5

Do not stay married for the children. Be honest to not only yourself but your wife. If she is wanting it to work then she will change, but if not then you know. If you believe there is no chance that you could find that love for your wife then you need to tell her and start the divorce. If you stay married for the children only then in the long run you will hurt them way more and that would tramatise them even more. At least you can explain yourself this way rather than down the road the cheating comes out and big fights and they get dragged into it and such. That is not good. At least right now you have every opportunity to make things right and better for everyone involved. BE HONEST TO YOURSELF AND YOUR WIFE! Do not however get divorced and immediately run to this other lady. Make it stay a dating thing for now because other wise things wight get bad and you get into another situation like this. Just trust yourself and love your children. Do not give up on them just because you and your wife get divorced. However, after reading what you said that is the best action for you right now. Tell her and start the divorce process. Do not make it a dirty one though. Let it stay civil for the children's sake. Do not get hostle. Good luck.

Answer 6

I don't blame you for having a "girlfriend". I know exactly how you feel. I've been married for 6 years and I have 2 children and I'm in the exact same boat. It's hard to leave because of the kids so you did the obvious and found a lover. If your lover makes you happy then do what you need to do ! You only live once and why be miserable? I think that if your happy with the situation you have right now then keep it, but if it becomes to much then you have to think which you want more. Good Luck !!!

Answer 7

I agree with chicky. And when you are permenantly together with this woman make sure you keep it alive. Always be spontaneous. Don't let this flame burn out. Like the saying goes....Happy wife, Happy life. This is very true. Don't ever thin that it isn't. And also: Your children will always be yours. Think about what you can do to keep your self happy in the next situation so that you can see your children grow up. You have every right to do things with them, and if the new woman doesn't like it that you have children then maybe you should just keep it a mutual friendship. The choice is yours. Do not only make this decision for yourself, make if for your little mericles also.

Answer 8

Ok.. First, I would like to ask how in the world have you been keeping the affair secrect? What lies did you have to tell to be able to sneek away from your family???
I am married for 3 yrs in Oct. and have 4 children ages 8, 2,1,and 3mo. There is no way my husband would be able to cheat if I were lazy. Our kids would be devils(no attention/disipline).. .
So either your wife isn't lazy and takes care of YOUR children, while you are off playing games, or she doesn't care about anything at all..
If she is taking care of YOUR kids while you are out running around, then you are a failure..
If she doesn't clean, take care of the kids, or need you, then I say you are still a failure..
YOU should be with your kids as much as you can if there mother is that sick.. They need you and you need them, not a girlfriend... They need to see you attempt to help their mother not just up and leave her out in the cold, or they will resent you forever! If they see you try and not her then they will understand.
There should have been a family meeting and a probabtion period for every one of you to get your acts together. Kids love to help their family no matter how old they are as long as they are respected and not kept in the fantasy world parents sometimes try to keep them in. THEY KNOW something is not right and they will lose interest in family and then life because they are taught they don't count, their too stupid to understand or just down right not important to the two of you.. THEY WILL TURN AGAINST LIFE!!
YOU NEED TO RESPECT THEM ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE USING THEM AS YOUR EXCUSE FOR BEING A COWARD....

IF YOU ARE STAYING FOR YOUR KIDS THEN WHY AREN'T YOU AT HOME WITH THE KIDS.. Or do they just need your shadow?? Either, face your truth and stop using them as an excuse or be truthful and spend time with your kids not your Whore!! Any woman who would have a married man no matter the siuation is a WHORE AND ALWAYS WILL BE...

Answer 9

awwwhh, you are going to crush your wife's feelings! How about you help her lose weight? For example take her on a romantic walk every night after dinner. Also why don't you tell her she is beautiful everyday so she can feel desirable to you again. Basically before you divorce make sure you have exhausted all possibilities with trying to rekindle the marriage. If you are going to leave then leave with honor. and tell the other women to get out of the picture in the mean time. Your kids will respect if you do it right.

Answer 10

well either one or the other..u can't have both..u ahve to decide which of them do you think yo'll be happy with...the children will definitely have a hard time coping once you opted to divorce your wife but they can cope...good parenting doesnt mean you have to stay together even if the situation is not healthy anymore..good parenting is how to raise to children in any circumstances and make them better individuals as they grow...so, the issue here is between your wife and your gf...have u ever talked enough to your wife about what you see and feel about her.maybe she doesnt really give it a serious thought cause she's so into takin g care of all of you :) try again to talk with her adn listen to what she ahs to say about u too...maybe she's got some issues about u too that u just dont know :) then, if it doesnt work out and u really feel for your gf and can handle the consequences of your actions, once of which is your children, then stay with your gf..bottomline is u can have both..u have to choose..btw, renjoy passion while it lasts..lol..dont expect too much from passion, soemtimes it just dies down, lucky for those who can maintain it :)

Answer 11

The only was is to tell your wife the truth and tell her exactly why this has happened. Your children will be hurt but you are hurting them anyways by having a lady friend you care more for then their mother,and you can never be as close to them because you are feeling guilty about your other life.
But you need a life besides your children.
It will all work out if it is meant to be and maybe your children will find your lady friend to be a wonderful person and love her too.