How do I get over the pain of my husband cheating on me the entire marriage - of 10 years?

Question

We have been married 10 years - and he's been lying to me ALL along. Everytime I would ask him if he was seeing anyone else, he had a wonderful, realistic answer. Said he "Loved me with all his heart".He even cheated on me while we were dating! I knew something wasn't right - even went to counseling together - but he was NEVER honest! Now, after reading his cellphone records, I find he is talking to - or SEEING 5 - 8 other women! I am SO devastated! The counselor said he is a sex addict. How do I heal? I've talked to people who have been cheated on - but I CAN'T relate to ANYONE! They have had a relationship to start with - AT LEAST - before they cheated. We didn't even have a foundation. I don't know how to go on from here. I have NO SELF ESTEEM left! Has anyone out there dealt with this deep level of deceit? Any suggestions to help me through this? He was with 1 of the women 15 years off & on. He told her intimate things about me - and spoke badly about me. I need help

I told him to leave in Feb. - but still can't get over the intense feelings of betrayal and PAIN! That's what I need help with!

Answer 1

How about going to the counselor again and work on your self-esteem? You did nothing wrong! You put your trust in the one you loved and he betrayed you. You have nothing to feel sorry about except the loss of love. Do not think you were a fool, because you were not! You were a wonderful and trusting woman who fell for someone dishonest.

I know one woman who actually did go through a similar experience and she broke my heart to hear her talk. We were in a divorce support group together. She said she looked at the pictures in their family album one day. A beautiful vacation with her husband and three boys in Florida. She had considered it one of the best times in her life because of the family being together. When she looked at the picture after her divorce and knowing her husband had affairs the whole time she wondered if any of her memories were real. Isn't that a horrible idea? That what you always thought were nice memories were lies? It took her a long time to accept that she was not at fault, as I suspect it will you. The ironic thing is her husband had tried to "hit" on me before I was divorced!

Answer 2

I really do know how you feel. I was married to a man for 17+ years and his actions were the same. The first time I found out that he was cheating I felt like someone hit me with an 8 inch block. To make the situation worse if possible is that it was my three year old daughter who told me that there was a woman in my bed. Why I stayed, I didn't really know. I did for many more years. All along he was belittling me and abusing me other ways. I had no self-esteem either and I was so scared to try and change things. I knew that I couldn't change him so the only thing to do was change my life. I packed my things one day and left and I never looked back. Believe me I was terrified. I didn't know where I was going, only thing that I did know is that I didn't want to live that life anymore. I got my own place and began the long road to building a new life. First thing I had to do was learn to like myself again. Second, realize that I was a good person and that I deserved better. And last but not least, thank god everyday for giving me the strength to take that first step. You can do it to. You seem like a nice lady and you deserve better. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

You could start by understanding that none of this is either your fault or about you. This is ALL on him!! The only mistake you made was being a good person, a good wife and believing the words he said, you can NOT blame yourself for that! You did what you were supposed to do.

This man is sick, he has issues and that isn't your fault or your problem anymore than it would be your fault if he developed a brain tumor! I think your self esteem should be just fine, his should be in the dumpster. You didn't do anything wrong so why should your self esteem suffer? You need to understand that the only person anyone REALLY has to live with deep down is themselves, and when you look in the mirror you should see a good woman who was taken advantage of by a sick and twisted man, how is any of that your fault? How does any of that make YOU less? It doesn't! This was not about you, he would have done the same thing if he had married Julia Roberts, its him, its ALL him! He will never be faithful to anyone, he obviously isn't capable of it. So I say let those women have him, it will be their turn to be lied to and cheated on. You however are free to find better!

10 years is a LONG time, but I've been there, mine chose drugs as his lie but its still a lie, it still makes you feel like nothing was ever real, hec at least you got lied to over another person, I got lied to over a simple PLANT. It's like having your life thrown out because he chose marigolds over you and the kids! It is a horrible feeling, but it WILL get better. I deserved better and my boys deserved better. He became a worthless, drunken, drug addict who for all I know has killed himself by now, and I honestly couldn't care less one way or the other. Me and the boys are just fine! You will be too! Stop looking back, stop letting him steal anymore of your time, your feelings, your energy, he wasn't worth what he already took. Look forward, imagine what you want your life to be, imagine how you want to be treated, imagine how you want to feel, make it real in your mind, develop a picture of it there and then move towards it, no more looking back. That is in the books, so to speak, it can't be changed, it can't be fixed. Tomorrow, on the other hand is FULL of possibilities and now that you aren't wasting your time on a lie anymore you can have them, feel them and be happier than you've ever been! This really gives you more hope for the future than you've ever had before, as long as you were with him there was no hope for anything but more pain and more lies...now there is hope for everything! I truly wish you the very best of luck! I know it feels like you are drowning in tar, but you WILL find your way out and it will get so much better, and now there is a chance for that to happen!

Answer 4

Girl, first of all--its time to get your self esteem BACK. Try to remember who you are! Who were you BEFORE you met this man? Probably a strong smart woman-thats who you really are. Make a list of all your good attributs, I'm serious.

You also have to know that EVERY woman has been cheated on. Join the club--we ALL have been there!! I'll give you a list of some of the beautiful women who have been cheated on and treated like crap, and even beaten by their husbands:

Halle Berry (husband was a sex addict)
Christie Turlington (husband slept with teenagers)
Beyonce (she wrote about the betraly of her boyfriends)
Sade (was abused my men)
Martha Stewart (husband married her assistant)
Oprah Winfrey (was abused my a boyfriend in her 20's)

...In other words, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!! Every rich, sucessful woman has been dogged by men! But, what makes a woman a Survivor--is how she gets back the control of her life..

Listen, your man is SICK. He has a mental problem, which is called sex addiction. He will never be faithful to any woman.
This has NOTHING to do with you--its not your fault..You need move on with your life before he gives you HIV, herpes, genital warts, or some other STD, if he hasnt already..Listen, its not how you fall down, its how you get back up: so get up!!!

"Oh Darling I
I WILL SURVIVE!
As long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I got all my life to live--
and I got all my Love to give
And I'll SURVIVE!!!
I WILL SURVIVE!!!
HAY-HAY!!!!

Do you like music?? I want you to go to Walmart.com, and click on "Custom CD. Make a CD of all the songs that will make you feel powerful again. Try this list:

I will Survive--Gloria Gaynor
Beautiful--Christina Augullara
Be Happy--Mary J Blige
No More Drama--Mary J Blige
Enough Cryin--Mary J Blige
Survivor--Destiny's Child
..and add some songs that make you feel STRONG!! No sad songs, ok????

Answer 5

I would suggest getting on anti-depressants. It will help you through this awful time, by allowing you to get above the emotions of it all. You can't heal by yourself. Infedility is one of the most selfish and betraying thing a spouse can do to the other. The trust is gone and in your case, the marriage too. Give yourself time. You did all you could do and still came out of it. You need to work on keeping yourself healthy.
Here is a site to help you:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com
There is a forum there, where other's that have gone through this (myself included. I am 'LostConnection') that can be of great comfort and give you their advice and experiences so you don't feel so alone.
I wish you the best!

Answer 6

Oh dear heart I am so sorry for your pain, but you must get over this by leaving him if you do not believe he can stop. You need to start going to therapy on your own not for the marriage but for you! Time is the only healing power, but you can place little things in there that will most definitely help. You must start going out and doing things for yourself. Get your closest friends together and say HELP! Tell them everything and tell them you want to start going out more and start doing things different. Change your life routine up a little or a lot. Also go get this book called 40 Days and 40 Nights written by Ilene Segalove. I'm dead serious! Find this book at Waldenbooks or any other book store and start it. You need to start a path of self-discovery and make you be you now. This book can relate to your situation PERFECTLY!!! Try it and you will be shocked. I am going through a situation like yours right now and it has helped me and I only have been doing this for a little while. Try it and make a point of keeping to it. Do not start it and say it doesn't work and then quit. I want you to keep with it and tell us how it goes. You are more than welcome to e-mail me and ask me questions or for more advice. You must start feeling for yourself and no longer for the relationship! I know it is hard because you have been married for so long but you need to be yourself now. If you honestly think he can not stop and/or will not stop then you must end it that away you can start the healing process. GO OUT AND GET THAT BOOK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!! Time is the only healing power and you must allow it to start healing you. Just have your closest friends there and add this book and you will see yourself beginning to get itself out of this painful rut you have been placed. Just commit to yourself and that book and forget everyone else who is not helping you. There is people out there that want to see you fail and you need to keep them out of your life. Only you can help you! It is a long and hard process but you can do it with your family, friends and that book helping you and standing behind you! Good luck! Take it easy and stay safe.

Answer 7

First off don't blame yourself. You were doing your job by being a good wife. Your husband was a creep that didn't deserve you. He is the one with the problem. You were strong by telling him to leave. Some women can't even do that. Keep building on that and you will grow stronger each day. Surround yourself with friends and family that love you. You can do it!!!

Answer 8

I can understand your pain I was married to a woman for 24yrs only to find out after six kids that she was a prostitute.But unlike you i could not tell her to leave I was unable to pay child support on six kids . to your question i can tell you that is a pain that will never go away but it will get better it will help if you understand that it is not your fault that he cheated.Beleave that and the pain will ease trust me its been ten yrs and it still hurts but not as bad.I hope this helps

Answer 9

Look don't ever blame yourself for the moron. You need to move on, it doesn't mean u aren't pretty or nice, he has a problem.. You don't need him, 10 years is too long, im pretty sure their is other men who will be willing to be with you. Gain your confidence back and yoiu will c that you are better off without him.

Answer 10

Get tested for STD's, AIDS then get lawyer, lastly get counseling. You have a long road back to normalcy. You have been betrayed by a sociopath. You can't let yourself have a relationship like this again. Good luck.