My first attempt at fiction. What do you think??

Question

Click here
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-eNuobDkhaak09dVFW3onhg--?cq=1
its titled Rainy Night

Answer 1

It needs a lot of editing for needful punctuation and the proper way to write dialogue. Leave out the teen expressions, such as, "I mean, or something."

A bugler is a trumpeter in the military; a booger, for one explanation, is a frightful demon in the house.

The question mark, the exclamation point, the period and the comma is always inside the closing quotation mark--never outside unless you write from the U.K. or Canada. Endashes, colons, and semicolons are outside the ending quotation mark. You began the story in a jumpy, irritating pattern with too many abrupt short sentences that cry to be compound sentences.

Watch for redundancy wording, such as "each and every."

Last, you change frequently between the present tense and the past tense in each paragraph. Usually, the past tense is best to use in writing. I recommend you stick with that tense.

My recommendation: Buy the small pocketbook (around $7.50) titled, "The Elements of Style" by William Strunk, Jr., and E.B. White. Keep it near your computer as you write. This book is a treasure to keep by novice and experienced author alike and provides key grammar usage.

The book explains the proper use of punctuation, dialogue, what words and bad form to avoid in writing--and much more to list here.

Vulgarities are permitted and used in novels and short stories, but I suggest watching for saturation. When in doubt, clean it up.

Otherwise, your writing shows promise. Get the book "The Elements of Style" and read it, make notations, and keep it handy. Your next story will be much improved because of it.

Answer 2

The storyline is good...but try not writing in the first person tense. All The I's and personal references just make me want to quit. Try writing as if you were watching someone else do these things and then describe them to me.

Example : Your text
It was three years ago when I was around sixteen. My parents had gone out that night. There was a birthday party but I didn't want to go so I stayed home. I was all alone at my home.

Change to : His parents had gone out that night to a birthday party that he didn't want to attend so he stayed home. He was sixteen and all alone in the house.

Answer 3

A good rough draft with a good moral. You need to watch the grammatical errors as you rewrite the story and make sure to use the correct words. I wrote more on your personal comments.Keep up the good work and also thinking about why things happen.

Answer 4

Interesting. Need more plot to it. I especially like the ending.

Answer 5

It's a good start. But I'd do away with the illustration above it.

Answer 6

It is choppy. I find it to be a difficult read.