Is this good? I wrote it is it good?

Question

Cars reflected on her walls as she lay in bed. Sirens roared and the normal city sounds kept her awake, “I hate this place…” she moaned and flipped to on her stomach. She reached down into the nightstand by her bed and grabbed a magazine. She starred at the headline pages. “Nothing ever changes in the city” she thought, then put her magazine down on the floor, flipping back over on her back. She heard crashes from outside. She sat up on her knees and looked out the window above her bed. “What the, is that!?!” she asked herself she looked around. A homeless dog hit a metal garbage can toppling it over. “What is there to do in New York?” she thought. It was a full moon and you could see the Empire State Building from her view, sure it was cool at first but after a while it got old, really fast. She went to some of the normal site seeing things, like the Statue of Liberty, all that stuff but to see it once is good enough.
She heard a buzzing in her ear; it was her alarm clock flashing 6:00 AM, another boring day, at a boring school, in a boring city. She jumped out of bed a trotted over to her radio and put in on full blast, and got her clothes out. Jeans and a hoodie were her normal wardrobe and same with today. She went to the bathroom first though and took a shower. She put her hair up in a ponytail and slipped on her clothes. She ran down stairs into the kitchen. Her mom was pacing around, “Katherine do you want cereal?” her mom said, “I told you a million times mom I hate breakfast” she said in an annoyed tone. “Okay then, but know its not healthy” she said, “Okay whatever I’ll buy something at school I’m gonna be late for the bus” she said as she checked her backpack for everything. “Okay bye” her mom said. She ran out the door and saw the bus pull over to her curb she jumped in fast as she could and looked for her best friend Caitlyn. She saw her sitting by the window with her head hitting the window repeatedly. “Hey Caitlyn!” Katherine said. “Hey Katherine, good thing you’re here or it would have been Johnny Milinski sitting next to me” Caitlyn said as Katherine sat down. “Ew.” Katherine said fast. “Yeah” Caitlyn said in response. “So I heard today were the talent show try outs, are you doing anything?” Katherine said as the bus pulled away. “I don’t know I was gonna do a dance with Sarah but she ditched me, to do one with Alexis” Caitlyn said. “That’s Sarah, why did you trust her you barley know her…” Katherine said when actually she was just jealous. “I’ve known her since preschool Katherine, come on!” Caitlyn said. “Well I’ve known you for longer and I was never asked to do a dance!” Katherine said, “Well that’s because remember what happened last year…”
The bus pulled on the curb of the school, and Katherine and Caitlyn stepped out and started walking towards the doors, kids were sitting on the two walls surrounding the door a kid with blue and green hair looked at Katherine, “Hey Katherine I was wondering if…” he said, “No Jimmy, I told you fifty times!!! I’m not going with you!” Katherine said very annoyed by now. “Oh come on!!!” Jimmy pleaded. “I said NO!” Katherine stated. “Come on Caitlyn it wasn’t that bad I just accidentally caught the curtains on fire, after the fire department came it was all taken care of!” Katherine said. Caitlyn stopped Katherine before they walked in and looked at her and said “You have to be kidding me you almost burned the whole school down!” Katherine pushed the doors open, and walked in the school. Lockers filled the walls with grey and paper airplanes flew around fast and the classroom 106 sat in Katherine corner of her eye. “Whatever just forget about the talent show okay I have to find a date for the dance!” Katherine said as she starred into space. “You never go to dances!” Caitlyn said. “I did once in 8th grade!” Katherine said. “Katherine, Katherine, Katherine…you puked all over the floor when you ate their pizza!” Caitlyn said in a superior tone. “Okay, I just won’t eat pizza this time! Any who I wanna bring Jaime Stewart!” Katherine said slowly. “JAIME STEWART ARE YOU CRAZY, GIVE ME A CHANCE TO BREATH DID YOU JUST SAY JAIME STEWART! THE MOST POPULAR, HOT GUY IN THE WHOLE SCHOOL?!?!” Caitlyn practically yelled. “Chill Caitlyn, I was just thinking!” Katherine said. “Well, stop thinking before you get your hopes up, because I’m brining him!” Caitlyn said. “Sure you are” Katherine said as she followed Caitlyn to her locker. “What are the chances of Caitlyn Smithson bringing Jaime Stewart to the dance?” said Katherine. “Chill Katherine, I was just thinking” she said mimicking Katherine’s voice. They both laughed. “I got to go to Mr. Berlinski’s fast though or it will be my third dentition this year!” Katherine said. “Okay bye!” Caitlyn yelled as Katherine walked away. Katherine turned around without thinking and bumped into someone she looked up, it was Jaime Stewart maybe she thought, but no just Jimmy, “Come on Katherine I know her you’re desperate for a date!” he said. “What are you doing now? Stalking me?” Katherine walked away, “I know I’m not good as no Jaime or something but I’m a good guy!” Jimmy pleaded again and again. “Okay Jimmy, I’ll go with you if at the very last millisecond of time before the dance I don’t have the date, and stop dying your hair blue and greens too!” Katherine said. Jimmy touched his hair, “THANKS KAT!” he yelled, “Never, I say never, call me that again” Katherine said. “Whatever!” he said.
Katherine went to her locker entered her com. and got all her stuff for Mr. Berlinski’s room of torture! No actually just science class. She sat down next to her friend Caleb, “Hey Caleb!” Katherine said. “Hey Katherine, it’s got around school your going with Jimmy, I was surprised!” Caleb said. “AH! I told him…erg…never mind” Katherine said after she banged her head on the desk. “Okay for the next Lab project we’ll be having partners and no you don’t get to choose” Mr. Berlinski said, the class moaned. “I will be pulling two names and you will be with the other name I pull, get it? Good! Now Katherine Smith is going with Sarah Diverts!” Katherine banged her head on the table again, “Ow” Katherine said as she looked at Caleb and he shrugged. “Ms. Smith I don’t appreciate your attitude toward sweet, caring Sarah, and if I wasn’t mistaken somebody’s jealous…” Mr. Berlinski moaned. The class laughed. “WHAT? NO I’M NOT I…I…I DON’T EVEN LIKE SARAH!” Katherine stuttered. “Well then, moving on” Mr. Berlinski said, in his annoying, annoying voice.

Answer 1

Your plot is fair, with nothing grabbing the reader. That is where it ends. How can someone "sit up on her knees?" A different way to describe resting on the knees is needed. Also, never insert more than one exclamation point or question mark such as this?!??! Only one will suffice; using more than one labels the writer as a beginning amateur.

You have run-on sentences throughout the story without the necessary punctuation. Character dialogue runs together too; you're supposed to start a new line for each character's dialogue.

The best way to write the inner thoughts of a character is to italicize them with no tags. Correct spelling, throughout the ms, is found wanting.

Ending a sentence of dialogue is incomplete without its customary comma before the tag. I'd say the largest area you need to improve upon is the use of punctuation, separate paragraphing for dialogue and change of thought, and run-on sentences.

I read your piece with difficulty because there was no paragraphing to ease the reader's eyes and to digest the narrative.

My recommendation to help in writing: For about $7.50 you can find an invaluable pocketbook to keep near your computer while writing. Called "The Elements of Style," written by William Strunk, Jr., and E.B. White, this little book is a treasure for the novice and the experienced writer.

Inside, you'll find Elementary Rules of Usage, Elementary Principles of Composition, A Few Matters of Form, Words and Expressions Commonly Misused, and more.

Many more grammar books for writers are available, but "The Elements of Style" is an excellent reference book to begin your writing.

You will find that writing is the fun part, but editing the manuscript to perfection is the most difficult and one that is never complete. You must develop a thick skin in writing, because if you are to improve the craft of writing, you will have to endure many critiques and manuscript editing.

I wish you success in this journey of the fine art of writing. Keep writing and search for reference material that will help. Persistence and perserverence are the key words to remember.

Answer 2

It needs work.

There is no plot.

In addition to the misspelled words there sentence syntax errors and far too many words. Keeping it primarily in the first person doesn't help the situation and first person creates no sympathy. Basically it is the whining of a very negative little girl. Why would anyone want to read it?

Any one who wants to write should do so over and over and over to begin the understanding of the craft of writing. It is more than simply filling a page with thoughts, rather, it is the constructing of those words in ways that will entice any reader to continue to the end. It is the development of a plot that has some meaning. For example, when the girl leaves for school the dog might be still diging into the garbage can and as the girl passes the dog she sees that it is trying to get a sawed off hand out of the garbage can. What was at first a boring day on top of a frustratingly sleepless night, has now become intensely interesting.

Reading other writers (good writers that is) is part and parcel of learning to write well. Those who paint go to the museum and study the works of the master. Often they copy them learning technique. So too with writers, and they must read those who have been successful through the years. Individuals such as William Faulkner, DeFoe, Shakespeare, Tennessee Williams, Hemingway, as a few of the many thousands of time tested writers.

How do they describe a room, a forest, a city, in as few of words as possible leaving the imagination of the reader to add to such descriptions? How do they describe people and how much of that description remains in the writer’s head and how much makes it to the page? How do they develop and write conversations? How do they develop and write that all important plot.

If you want to write, do it! But do by taking advantage of the good writers that have gone before you.

As a little exercise, I’ve used only the smallest of examples of the beginning of your story and wrote it a different way. No single way is correct and there are as many variations as there are writers. Just some thoughts

Nightlife in the city slammed through her bedroom window jarring her sensibilities with sounds and lights making sleep impossible. Even reading did nothing to stop the tossing and turning but rather emphasized her belief that nothing was interesting or happening in the city.

At that age between childhood joys and adult activities, everything seem to focus on her just to make her life miserable. Crashing, a metal garbage can brought her to the window where a wandering dog had now found a meal and even that seem directed at her. Things that once were interesting, such as the Statue of Liberty or a tour through the Metropolitan Museum paled in the emotional world wide teenage lament of, “Its so boring there is nothing to do in New York!”

Saved from more grim thoughts by the 6:00 AM alarm clock buzzing the need to get ready for another school day, albeit an anticipated boring day, she began dressing by turning the radio on full blast.

Answer 3

Wow, your hands must be tired that's a lot of typing. Very good story, you should really think about taking a creative writing class in school this year. You actually could possibly submit this as part of an assignment. Happy writing, and have a great day!!!!

Answer 4

You gave me reasons to be interested in Katherine as a fictional character, and I found myself caring about what happens to her. That's one of the biggest challenges a writer faces. I honesty believe you have a gift for dialog and storytelling. One of the best ways to develop and perfect your talent is to READ GOOD FICTION--as much as you can get your hands on. This will help you recognize good writing in your own work. Please continue to write. You have the raw material to become a really good novelist.

Answer 5

In medical school they had to take notes really fast. Becoming a doctor is not that easy now, The speed of their writing messep up their handwriting And they don't care about it after becoming a doctor.

Answer 6

Your style is very good. I suggest you continue with your story and your pursuit of writing. With a little work and an editor you could be a novelist in a very short time. Good Luck and don't quit !

Answer 7

no. you need to add more periods and commas and general punctuation. You also need to make the story interesting. I don't think New York is boring, there's loads of things for a teen to do, and WHO IS THIS SARAH PERSON ANYWAY????

Answer 8

OK, now edit!
Try to cut out half the words.
Get rid of empty words!

Trust me on this one.

I did cut out more than half the words in the above sentences. They are much easier to read and understand now.
I missed some empty words above.
_Trust me!_
delete "on this one"
understand?

Answer 9

No one expects to read a story in yahoo answers.
Send this to editor of any periodicals for an comment.

Answer 10

Mmm...well written, but I still cant understand the point...is it just a piece of the whole story??