What to do about being transgender?

Question

I am a trans person. Not out to anyone except my therapist. I'm 32 years old and have recently realized I'm trans. I have 2 kids (9 and 3) and am a school teacher. It's really hard to decide if I should life like this (no surgery/hormone) or to transistion to becomnig who I feel I am inside. I'm VERY sure I'm trans. (My therapist is also trans) and he says I am on the very extereme end of trans(meaning I'm obviously trans) I'm so confused. I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm VERY ashamed of my feelings and identification. I do not dress in the gender I want to be so no on knows. Is it right to NOT transistion? What would happen to me if I don't? I feel it is selfish to transistion. What if I felt like I was a dog trapped in a human body... ? it wouldn't be OK to make people accept that you're really a dog? Help me get some perspective please, thanks.

I am working with a professional. I don't have a spouse. I'm a single parent.

WOW! Some really great perspectives! One thing to note is that I have know this since I was 7 years old. I probably should go to another therapist...

Answer 1

I don't think it's selfish to not let other people be selfish once in awhile. This is something YOU have to live with every day when you don't see the person in the mirror you should see. That doesn't mean "you should transition", but it means that you should think about whether or not YOU want to. People will adjust eventually. That's their problem. Living like someone you're not is your problem, and it's fair to take whatever steps you see as appropriate to remedy that.

You said there's no spouse to speak of (which makes things somewhat simpler), so I will say this regarding your kids: you're 32, so they're probably pretty young. If you think you can keep up with whatever stress transitioning will bring (and it will bring some stress; not a bad thing in and of itself, but it's there) as well as continue to care for your children appropriately, then I don't see what the problem is. You're still gonna be they're parent; whether they call you "Daddy" or something else. As for saying "well, you have kids so you can't transition"; that's friggin' stupid. There's no reason (aside from the above, which only you can really take a guess at) for it to have any lasting negative effect on them.

What did your therapist say about this? I think the best perspective I can offer is that: you're in yahoo answers; don't take ANYTHING too seriously.

Answer 2

I think you can do many things; the most important is to educate yourself more about the topic before taking any action that will drastically impact your life.

Some areas to research:

1. The Web. In particular:
- http://www.IFGE.org The International Foundation for Gender Education. This is one of the main gender-related sites; lots of good links, etc
- http://www.Gender.Org (GEA/Aegis)
- Anne Lawrence's Info for TS Women (www.annelawrence.com) Anne is an MD who runs one of the most medically complete resources for TS women that I know of...
- TransGender Information on Yahoo! (http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Cultures_and_Groups/Transgendered/)

2. Books. In particular, books I like or others that I know and trust like:
- My Husband Betty (for more information for you, particularly in the beginning chapters, impacts on your spouse, etc.)
- She's Not There

To give you my opinion ('answer') on some of your direct questions and statements:
- Yes, it's OK to NOT transition, if that's the best course for you. It is also OK to transition. Again, what is it that YOU NEED? (Not necessarily want, but NEED). Going on hormones and surgery is not to be taken lightly. If you need to present to the world as a gender opposite what you present now, you can also do that w/out hormones and surgery; though perhaps not as convincingly.
- Yes, it is a really hard decision. I struggled with it most of my life. Once I decided, it was very liberating... and my deciding was not a panacea; I still struggle w/being trans. [I did not transition, though, because I decided I am a crossdresser vs. transsexual].
- If you want to head towards surgery, as you probably know, you need to do "Real Life Test". This is likely to lose you your job, possibly your children, almost certainly some friends, etc. If you cannot take that possibility, you may not be ready. It's not something easily tried; clear up your thinking, base it on your research, and then make a decision.
- Please try to lose the shame. It doesn't help anyone. Take the energy you spend feeling shame and direct it to educating yourself and working towards a decision.

Finally, if your therapist is trans, it's possible that the therapist has a bias; they are human after all. they could be giving you very good advice that clearly reflects what you're saying. They also could be interjecting some of their bias, consciously or not. Perhaps seek a second opinion from another therapist; preferably one who knows about trans issues, has counseled trans people, and is not themselves trans. This is no guarantee of better therapy nor even a lack of bias; however, there is some implicit conflict of interest in a trans therapist telling you that you are trans (vs. reflecting back to you the statements you make that indicate you are trans). Your therapist should support you seeking out other information and opinions (I assume 'he' is FTM trans? Otherwise, it would have been correct to say 'she' if your therapist is MTF and presents as femme in your sessions).

Answer 3

You have to do what you feel is best for you. Dont let your therapist or anyone else influence your decision. If you are feeling selfish about transitioning then maybe its not for you. But if you have this deep feeling that you just cant get rid of maybe it is for you. I know it must be hard to have two small children who could become confused and you obviously have much to think about. If I were you I would maybe seek a second opinion from another therapist who is not Trans. That will maybe take away a bit of the biasness that your therapist may be harboring.

Best of luck

Answer 4

It is okay to not transition if you do not feel comfortable doing so. Even though you may be very aware that you are transgendered, the transition will be difficult if you are not completely confident in your desires and ability to endure the process.

It is hard to say what will happen if you don't transition. As they say, take one day at a time. If you hit a rough spot and feel that you aren't making the right choice for yourself, talk to your therapist. He should be able to assist you on taking the next step. Eventually, if this is something you really want to do, your body and mind will let you know, whether it be with your thoughts being consumed by it or increased stress levels. Listen to your body, but more importantly, listen to your instinct.

As for being selfish, you have to live with your body and you have the right to be happy with it. Wanting to love your body and your appearance is not being selfish. You are only making your exterior match your interior, which is a reasonable request.

Answer 5

You are 32 years old and seem have survived okay. You have two kids, parents, probably a whole extended family. If you do not transisition this year then you will probably still be okay. I think you believe that by doing this you will somehow be protecting your children and your family. I think you need to see yourself as a relatively strong person.

Do not rush into this. Find a wise friend, who you can share your secret thoughts with. Pehaps a sister, or even your mother. These people love you, and they pray for your well-being. Trust them enough to discuss it. Tell them to keep this a secret. If you transistion they will find out anyway, and if you don't, then they will admire for the way you sacrifice your interests for the welfare of others.

Answer 6

If you are looking for further persepective, it may help to get a 2nd opinion from a different therapist, one who is not transgendered. I can't tell you what decision to make, but there are a few guidelines...........

1. If you have "recently" realized you are trans....within the past few months or even years...chances are there may be something else going on aside from transgenderism. Most people who want to change their gender, experience feelings of gender dysphoria from childhood and the teenage years, but deny these feelings until they are much, much older. If these feelings of gender dysphoria are relatively new for you.....I would wonder if there is something troubling you aside from your gender.

2. Ultimately, you have to decide on your "true self" On the inside do you feel like a man or a woman, and to decide to live according to the gender that is consistent with your inner self. It is not a question of right or wrong, but a questin of being honest with yourself and those around you. The decision to change gender IS selfish, and there will be consequences because some people may not understand. However, if you are not comfortable with your gender, is it not more ethical to be honest to people about your true self, than to live a lie in a body that is not consistent with your gender orientation.

3. Changing gender is not comparable to changing species (human to dog). There are many, many people out there (possibly as high as 5% of the population) who experience gender dysphoria. A far as I know, nobody (0% of the population) wants to change species. In addition, people who experience gender dysphoria, and go through the transition process, are usually pleased and satisfied with their decision. Research shows a marked decrease in depression among transgenered people after they complete the process.

4. Talk to people and do your research, Go to support groups and read books. There is a great book called "True Selves" by Mildred L. Brown, Chloe Ann Rounsley on this topic. It would be a good read for you and for family members, once you are able to talk to people. Support groups are one way to meet other people going through the same feelings and help reduce the shame.

5. Have you explored the possibilities of transvestism, that you may want to dress as a woman (in private) without going through a physical transformation. There may be some non-surgical and non-hormonal options out there for you!

Hope this helps....

Answer 7

To the people who say "stay the same for the children! Think of the children!"

Children are resilient. All they know is love. It's SOCIETY that makes things hard, and that is SOCIETY'S problem, no one else's.

There was a wonderful show where they interviewed the children of a trans. It was wonderful the support the children showed, and how they realized that the father they loved was still the father they loved, though now a mother.

Answer 8

You are in a tough spot my friend. All I can say is maybe talk to your spouse depending on your situation. Maybe they can give some insight, but I have one question for you do you love your spouse and children enough to where you think they will be ok if you do transition? Other than that do what you feel is right and makes you happy because if you aren't happy then you aren't living in a world you are going to enjoy. Good luck to you!

Answer 9

I think its ok NOT to transition if you feel it is going to harm, hurt those you love.It is very insightful of you to think of your children and how they would have to deal with it.
Its loving and Unselfish of you .I think you would be more unhappy if you did it knowing you are causing such a huge emotional and social burden to your family.
There is nothing wrong with denying some of our feelings, it shows self control and compassion for others.
Other parents have burdens, desire etc, I always think that children come first, of cours you could always transition After they are grown and out of the house.Right now I think you are being compassionate and wise.It could obviously effect your job and then that would be even more to deal with.Its one thing to start a job a certain way but you know associates and students would always be talking behind your back, not being mean being realistic.
Please dont be ashamed of your feelings ( feeling are feelings they are not good or bad) Be proud of your sacrafices.

Answer 10

i dont have any experience in this but ill say my part. if you feel like you should be a certain way, and youd be more comfortable in that lifestyle, than you should do that. too many times ppl are placing all their emphasis on society, and what society thinks. society isnt looking you in the mirror everyday, wishing you were something else. your gonna be more comfortable, more 'you' with making the decision you know is right. if people cant accept that, then theyre arent the ones you wanna be around. be the person you wanna be.