Would you consider this cheating?

Question

My spouse and I were going through a really tough time and seperated, neither of us could financially afford to move out and for the kids decided to still live together (not sleep in the same bed). His EXACT words were.."so since this is what you want you do YOUR things, whatever that means and I'll do mine." During this time I began talking to someone online and a few times on the phone (no dates, just met one time in person). Things did get a little more than friendly so far as things the other person said and expressed. My spouse cracked my voice mail code and heard a message from him and confronted me and I did not lie or deny it. Since then we've tried to make it work and I've severed all ties to that other person, but I see him on HERE (YA) sympathizing with people that have been cheated on saying how horrible and hard it was for him, but we were offically/unoffically seperated, tell me is what he's saying valid? I'm really at a loss...

I have and did apologize for the hurt feelings, I caused as some of you asked, however I don't see it as on the same level as sleeping with someone when you are married and the other thinks things are fine in the relationship...

Answer 1

Get a divorce, the trust has been broken, it's over.

Answer 2

.
The question is did you cheat.
By the definition of cheat, that is to give to someone else, what you are obligated to give to your spouse.
According to your post, your husband set the terms, probably to leave the door open if HE wanted to talk to other women.
Then he got jealous, and caught you talking to another man.
In the LEGAL sense, it was cheating.( when you went to meet the guy, and you spent time with him). But that argument for separated people has been going on for eons. Hense the need for a LEGAL separation on paper with terms outlined clearly.
In the sense of the verbal agreement he made, it was not cheating. But you did not have a legal agreement.
So both are correct, depending on one's point of view.

I don't know why you are stressing over it. The whole thing got you two back together as man and wife.
Now, just try to make it work.
Be his best-friend, (not a nag)...try to "understand" him, and EXPECT him to understand you. Make if fun from now on. Have an absolute DATE night once a week.
Learn to respect each others differences, and don't smother each other. Men are from MARS they want affection, but not all the time. AND men want the endless, neverending chase.
Ergo, when he had to compete for you again, he got all interested.
Now, you don't want to be a so-called "cheater", but you can keep him curious with totally innocent activities, that keep you away from him, or the house several days a week. It works cool, even if you only go to the Old Time Pottery and kill an hour around "lunch" time. You get the idea. Keep him guessing, but NEVER give him an ounce of evidence. Men thrive on the chase.

Women are from VENUS; so don't try to comprehend the male mind, just deal with the issues with the tools that are effective, and get the response you want.

As for him crying on here that you "cheated" ... that is working FOR you! >The more he reminds himself you are desirable to his competition, the more he will be in the glory of the chase to "hold on to you".

Get (the demon) PRIDE out of your marriage, and find ways to try to understand each other's real needs in the relationship. Keep it fair, and equal. Do not take too much nor give too much, and keep it balanced. Then it will work.

Take good care of your heart
stw
:)

Answer 3

I hear what ur saying, but let me ask u this. what finally made ur husband come to say this 2 u, was the love and respect for one another gone, during the time that u were separated had u finally decided that u didn't want 2 be with him (ur husband). becuz u say that u and he were having a really tough time & was meeting someone else really helping ur situation @ the time? also were u out meeting other people becuz he said for u 2 to do ur own thing r was that what u wanted 2 start doing and by him saying that, that was the go ahead for u.

Answer 4

I don't think the question should really be whether or not this was cheating or whether or not he was justified in his hurt. He was hurt, and feelings do not need justification - they cannot always be rationalized away and we are all entitled to our own feelings. I think the question is whether he can forgive. Forgiveness does not mean he does not still have those feelings, but that he has control over them rather than letting them control him - does not dwell on the negative emotions and allow them to color his life. He must want to forgive, acknowledge his role in what he perceives as a wrongdoing and forgive himself. Forgiveness is a long road of wrestling within yourself, talking to others about the situation and reflecting on the event using intelligence (not just reliving it) while working your way past anger and resentment (or jealousy if this is the case), deciding what you want your pain to turn into and finally taking stock and moving on. Even if what you do not consider your actions cheating, wouldn't it benefit both of you to apologize for hurting him? Are the benefits of holding onto your pride and self-justification worth ruining your relationship and stunting your emotional growth as well as his?

Best wishes to both of you.

Answer 5

I don't think you cheated, and I think he is really troubled that he set the rules so that he could go out looking for someone else, and apparently you were more successful at finding someone than he was.
He sounds insecure, jealous, and controlling to me. If those are things you can deal with, I wish you luck, and hope you can make it work, especially since you have kids together. Personally, I'd be very angry with him for setting ground rules that he thought only applied to him, and not to you. Sounds like he thought he could experiment with being single while you continued to be married.

Answer 6

I don't think you can consider it cheating, especially since you were separated and seemed to have an agreement. He may feel vulnerable knowing that you had interest in someone other than himself, but it sounds like he's being a little dramatic and looking for attention. I hope you can work through this. Good luck!

Answer 7

Communication, you've got to get together and lay down the ground rules, that includes being honest with each other. If you both want to make your marriage work then you have to mutually agree on counseling as well and be committed to it.
The counseling has to integrate communication within the marriage, this has got to be one of the biggest obstacles in relationships.

Answer 8

Trust is the basis for all unions. Sit down and really think about what it is you want...then act. If it does not work out just make sure the BOTH of you put your children first. How you handle it will determine how they act later in life.

Answer 9

Check out the following web-site. It can answer your questions better than I can. It will also give you a "bird's eye" view of a guy's psyche.

http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/

Good luck

Answer 10

I think you need to talk to him, open and honest. If you two still love one another I think it can be worked out. After all, he said you do your thinks and he will do his things.

Marriage counseling may help.