My heart is geting deeper
With all this sadness
Thinking of you just makes me fall apart
And there is nothing but madness
It feels like i dont know you anymore
All because u dont talk to me on the phone like you dont care
How i would love to clear my head by the shore
But i never forget the memeries we had
We still get along the moments we share
2006-07-29 07:42:56 · 26 answers · asked by daddys lil girl 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
I understand what you are trying to covey but It is still very shallow.
Read more good poems.
2006-07-29 07:45:05 · answer #1 · answered by Bright 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Awesome sentiments. If you want to create a very strong poem, however, you might want to include at least 2 and possibly more like five or six specific sensory images. Show, don't tell. Maybe say something like, "My heart is falling deeper into the black-blue water of doubt...thinking of you while the torn fragments of memory's paper blow away across the field of madness...your silence feels like ice creeping up around the still mountain pond." If you are using an ocean setting "by the shore" instead you could use several images from being at the ocean. Maybe describe your hurt by saying even though the salt and sand are stinging your eyes, you are already crying, so you don't notice the stinging. Keep writing! It's cool to develop your talents!
2006-07-30 11:45:21 · answer #2 · answered by Cookie777 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The poem is good in concept, but needs a little cleaning up. Some lines don't flow smoothly, and it could use some better words & spelling. If you really like poetry, I highly recommend http://www.poets.com/ I am a member, it is free to join, but if you want all the extras it's super cheap - only $15 every 3 months! You are guaranteed reviews for your poetry, so it's definitely worth your time.
2006-07-29 14:45:43 · answer #3 · answered by Tammy O 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is a great poem but this is your true feelings about someone and they dont want you if you like/love them you should let them go so they are happy....That is the truth there is nothing more then being with someone that dont want to be with you...if it is right he will be back in the end...just give it time and see what happens
2006-07-29 14:46:31 · answer #4 · answered by colez_sexi_papi 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is good, but you're rhyming is a little off and one line is extremely long so it's slightly unbalanced. It does has a lot of emotion in it and if you work on it, it'll be great!!
2006-07-29 14:46:45 · answer #5 · answered by Elizabeth S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that's really good! You definatley have a talent, keep up the good work!! And the plot to your poem is really good too! I wish I was that good lol. good luck!
2006-08-02 15:05:12 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's good! I just don't like the ending, but then again to all popular poems I don't like the ending.=)
2006-07-29 14:45:27 · answer #7 · answered by WalltDisney4evR 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
not too bad. consider dropping the word "phone" and think of another way to convey communication.
Nice and short but the mood swings somewhat.
2006-07-29 14:45:23 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh my God! is exactly how i feel rigth now! whoa this is a trpove that god exist, i was just looking for an answer, and looki found it in your question, ohhhhhhhhhh my God, thanx for asking this!
2006-07-29 14:46:03 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep working on it, your getting there. be-careful it don't become a wrap.
I love Poetry.
2006-07-29 14:46:39 · answer #10 · answered by kritikos43 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋