We have been married for 7 years now. And I have had doubts from day one. We have one child he is almost 5. I know that I love him, but I am not sure that I am in love with him. As dumb as that may sound it makes sense to me. I know that I married him because he made me feel safe and secure, and I didn't think anyone else would ever be interested in me and I didn't want to be alone. I know now that this is not a reason to marry someone. The worst part is that he really doesn't have any idea how miserable I am. He thinks everything is perfect. But everyday, I fell more and more unhappy and trapped here. How do I tell him? He is good man. He has his flaws like anyone else, but he is a good man and an amazing father. This will crush him. I just keep telling myself, that I am crazy and I should just be happy and I put myself in this situation so I need to deal with. But...I just don't know what to do....Any advice out there....
2006-07-29 07:16:48 · 23 answers · asked by Aquestionfan 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The absolute only and best solution there is is to be totally and completely up-front with him. He needs to know what is going on with you. Maybe it would be considered by you to go with him to a marraige counselor?....
But I do know that if this is kept a secret from him for a lot longer, it will be a lot worse when it eventually comes to the surface.
If you feel so unhappy and trapped, why not do whatever you can to get happy...?
Get happy. This is the only way. Tell him, do something to solve this, and get happy. Just dont keep it all in and not do anything...that kind of suffocation of real feelings causes terrible things, including physical diseases....
all the best to you!
Good Luck!
2006-07-29 07:24:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow thats really tragic. Do you even respect this guy anymore? because relationships are all about respect. You should let him know how you feel and then try and work something out. I'm sorry you did not get married for love but look at it this way. You marriage has already outlasted half of marriages in the United states today so why not try and make it work/? You can make an efffort to fall in love with the guy you swore you would spend you life with. Be fair to the man that has stuck with you for 7 good years even after a child, after the initial romance could have died down. Try and love him, you know you could drop hints and get him to bring passion back into the marriage if that is what you are seeking. Just explore other options befor you decide to just drop a bomb and decide to leave. That will crush a man worse then a 3000lb boulder; that is the boulder would kill him and this he would just have to live with. Let him know how you feel and best of luck to you.
2006-07-29 14:29:51 · answer #2 · answered by "the Otter" 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you are in love with your husband your description of him was glowing. You said wonderful things about him.Even your description of the way he sees your marriage as perfect. I think since your child is almost 5 which means school age, your role is just changing as a mother and wife. I think the person you are not in love with right now is you. Don't make a terrible mistake and lose such a wonderful man over you changing. You are suppose to change as your life changes but instead of focusing on your husband as the one to feel the void you are feeling just take some time and reflect on how you can be a better you. Maybe some classes or a job or new job. Try other things not giving up on your marriage. What ever you do in this time of vulnerability don't befriend men. Some men are just waiting on this time in a woman's life so they can come in and listen and tell you everything you think you need to hear. You will end up alone with so many problems you will wonder how did this happen?
2006-07-29 14:39:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good grief, it sounds like you've been watching a lot of soap operas. You are right, low self image and the fear of being alone are lousy reasons to get married. However, whats done is done and you have a beautiful child to show for it. If he is a good man as you say, whats your problem? Whats "in love" anyhow? If you leave him, it will be hard on all of you and may negatively affect your child for the rest of his life. Lady you need to count your blessings because you have many, and not expect the grass to be greener somewhere else...because its not! If you aren't employed, turn off the TV and get a life outside of your home doing something for someone else. Then you will get a look at what some people's REAL problems are.
2006-07-29 14:30:12 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look, the problem you're having is very common. What you grew up on in our society was seeing these movies where the woman is swept off her feet by some Prince Charming look-alike,
The idea is nice but the reality is absurd.
Prince Charming has bad breath and leaves the toilet seat up all the time. Trust me.
What you need to do is find the happiness that is there in your life and stop looking for Brad Pitt to come and swoon after you, coz- guess what?- it ain't happening, okay. I am sure your husband is a decent man and he loves your child. Be SATISFIED with that and stop moping around hoping to find someone who will put butterflies in your chest- just like in the movies.
Once you have found that level of satisfaction, you can look inside you and see what you can do to make things better for yourself, your husband and your child. I am sure that when you find those things, you will become even more satisfied with your life and all of these questions you have will be a distant memory.
Best of luck to you!
2006-07-29 14:26:01 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes once agin like a the typical female you have married a man because you have no faith in yourself. No you have decided that you are not happy and you nned to be free to find true happiness. Never mind that you will totally screw up your son's life...from the point you leave your "good man" he will be forced to choose between Mom and Dad for the rest of his life. Then you can play "spin the father figure" on what type of man you will attract in the future (I'm sure it won't be the calibur you have now). Also you guys won't be able to save adequately for his college since he won't have enough money. Then you can ruin your husbands financial life taking 20% of his net income from him for childsupport and make him go out in the world to find another woman (hopefully not like you) to live out his life with.
Your son will learn to call another woman "Mom" and may even like her better than you becasue she might be more stable.
You will never ever be happy. You are an "never truly happy female". Nothing will ever make you happy. This is because you have never learned to love anyone else except yourself. YOu will first cheat and probably get caught. Then you will divorce and spend the majority of your life hopping from man to man ending up in failure...then maybe a woman or two becasue you just can't find yourself.
Yes get rid of your husband so he can find someone decent and honest.
Check out the following web-site. It can answer your questions better than I can. It will also give you a "bird's eye" view of a guy's psyche. If you got the guts read about the "pathological woman".
http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/
2006-07-29 15:07:19 · answer #6 · answered by hoyhoydc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think I understand how you are feeling. There is no easy answer. It sounds like your husband is a good man but you feel that you are lacking in the "Love" dept. Maybe you both need to spend more time together. I don't just mean being around each other more I mean doing things together. Plan a picnic, hiking trips, vacation anything you can think of that you can do "together" and have fun doing it. Is it possible to try and spice up your relationship and getting more romance out of your man? Can someone take care of your son for an evening while you spend quality time together? Try and imagine what it would be like to be "love" what is your definition of it. What ever that is in your mind, try and enact upon it. Communicate to your husband how you feel. Communication is so under rated and overlooked in relationships. Good luck.
2006-07-29 14:26:19 · answer #7 · answered by Wibble 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ooh....Man, that is a tough situation.
Let me ask you this, do you think you could fall in love with him? I mean falling in love with him might be the best solution considering the circumstances. Are you sure it's not just the 7 year itch going on?
If you cannot fall in love with him yourself and it's not "the itch" then you need to sit down and talk to him. I suggest some serious counseling with him and alone. You need to get to the bottom of this. There are some horrible men and relationships out there. Do you really want to roll those dice? You could end up with snake eyes.
There is a distinct difference between being in love and loving someone but I think you can change that.
Consider your son unless the relationship is unhealthy.
If you don't have a hobby or something please find one. Hopefully you're just in a rut. I hope things work out for you.
If none of this works, divorce or separation is not the end of the world it just brings you closer to it.
2006-07-29 14:29:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hate when I hear people say that they love their spouse but aren't in love with them - it's ridiculous. This is a concious choice that you make. You are shutting yourself down in that area because you are thinking about the negatives and how unhappy you are.
Before you decide to drop all this on your husband you might want to take a look at yourself and realize what you will be doing. It sounds like you have some issues to deal with in yourself and within your marriage. Get into counseling and get into marriage counseling and try to work things out before you just up and leave.
The ability to shut down love when we feel we aren't "in love" is astounding. In our minds we can make things seem FAR worse than what they really are.
You are at the 7yr itch mark which is where many marriages end up in divorce. Think about your marriage, your child, and your future. From the sounds of it you do love your husband and he sounds like a great guy. You may have gotten married for the wrong reasons, but that doesn't mean that 7yrs later you can just decide it's all wrong and up and leave. Talk to your husband and let him know you are feeling some discontent, and get into counseling.
2006-07-29 14:26:27 · answer #9 · answered by Rawrrrr 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have realized that love takes alot of work and this is a hard stage. I had this to. Sometimes love is a choice. And when the choice to see it as failing is made it is hard to get into the mindset that. It can be okay. I think your biggest problem is feeling this way and not talking about it. If you talk to him you guys have a chance to get to the deep stuff (Like I did and it ain't all pretty) But on the other side I see How close me and my husband are today and I thank God above that I made the choice to fight for it. It is so easy to give up and most people who do regret it later. Good luck
2006-07-29 14:29:53 · answer #10 · answered by noot1980 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋