Men only for responses please - re: faithfulness?

Question

Please help me understand the physche of a man . . . I was a faithful and loving wife for 13 years and believed the same of my husband. Without warning he demanded a divorce and the facts have come out over time that he had multiple affairs throughout our entire marriage. I was devastated as I trusted him fully and worked very, very hard to please him. Since he left he has been very cruel to me, refused to abide by the divorce decree regarding support, alimony and visitation and is now fighting for the kids after he has remarried and had another child. Can anyone shed some light for me on this behavior for me so that I can understand and get closure? I simply feel like yesterday's garbage that was thrown to the street. I have heard that 70% of men have affairs - is this true? Are there any of you out there that honestly, really are faithful and hold that vow as sacred and would not betray it? Or is it really reality that men will always betray and I should just accept that?

Answer 1

It isn't men, it's people. Many people refuse to grow up. So, they don't behave in an adult manner. I was married, and faithful for 17 years. Then, I found out my wife was playing for years. Sadly, affairs today are socially expected, and many live up to that expectation.

Answer 2

First off, I'm sorry. You poor woman-God Love you. I bet you do feel like yesterday's garbage-that is how he treated you.

Now--I will tell you that there are good men out there. My personal, humble opinion is that to find a good man you must must must take a holistic approach (and even then you may get screwed-there is no 100% here...PLEASE NOTE THIS). What I mean is, take a look at the WHOLE man.

Where he works, is he in an enviornment that is family friendly. Our work enviornment is VERY family oriented, and it is a company not afraid to say-hey many of our people are people of faith. (We are all independent so there is no work rules against this--relax ACLU). My brother in law works in a place where strip bars and porno are the norm...he hates that. And infidelity is a bigger risk there.

Does he attend church and where (there are cheaters in church, but I couldn't imagine being with someone without faith)? I'm just telling you from my personal experience, my wife and I could NOT have made it without the help, love and support of the people in our church. They are coming out to build a wheelchair ramp for our son. We didn't ask, they knew it was a burden on our hearts and they handled it.

What is his family of origin like, his parents? Are they on their third marraige. Does he have trust issues. Is he a macho man's man? Does his family have family values. My wife and I both are from parents of divorce and we know we have to be careful. Danger Will Robinson.

And how much is he willing to work for the marriage? My wife and I have been married 14 years. We have been through ups and downs and counseling and good times and hell. And we love eachother. THAT is why I never had an affair. It was a choice and is still a choice. I have worked to hard to make this marriage a great one..not just a good one. We still work at it. But it's a choice and commitment we both made.

And--we are NO angles either....please understand this--we are humans. We fight and curse and yell.

I hope this helps. And once again--using this holistic approach DOES NOT guarentee anything. but I think it betters your chances.

Take it or leave it. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

First, I am real sorry about what has happened and if there was anything I could say or do to make it better, I would. Second...as a guy I do think there is a definite biologically based difference between males and females regarding sex. The primary male orientation is to spread the DNA around. Biologically thats healthy, it keeps the gene pool varied and its very close to being a universal behavior among males of all species. Females however have to raise the young, so they are oriented toward committment and long term relationships.

Marriage is oriented toward these long term relationships, for the good of the children. But that does not alter a male's primary drives. Combine that with the fact that a man must put himself into a job, a career, he might not actually like, for life, and you can see how a naturally born wanderer can feel trapped, especially when he sees his life running out. He might remember the fun excesses of youth, might still picture himself as a young buck, or wish to reclaim that happy time for a few brief moments before becoming forever incapable of such happiness. Indeed, he might have married before he was ready, for various reasons. Some might have married out of social pressure to conform, some for financial reasons.

I don't know what to tell you except that the one size fits all uniformity of the institution of marriage does not work in all cases. I am very sorry he is being a jerk. Even if you could analyze the past and think of anything you might have done to produce that kind of hostility, it seems too late to do anything about it. For now, please be patient with yourself and with the situation. Know that time does indeed heal all wounds (it also wounds all heels if that helps), things will get better. Peace to you.

Answer 4

Please do not over-generalize. We are not all jerks. There is no such thing as "the psyche of a man." We're all different. That said...I think your ex is just a hyper-jerk. I am not married and will probably never get married. Would you like to know why? It's because I am a nice guy and nice guys finish last. Ironically part of your issue is that women tend to go for the "bad boy." Which is fine, so long as you're ready to get hurt. To be perfectly honest, I have a hard time believeing you nevber noticed this guy was heartless earlier on. Speaking as a nice guy, who will never be given a chance due to his lack of "bad guy" appeal, and speaking for most nice guys out there, I can say this. I personally would never purposely screw up a great relationship just to have something different or for some other equally arbitrary reason. Anyway, the moral of the story is this: If you roll with a bad guy, you are no different to him than anyone else and will be treated as such. If you want a nice guy who will appreciate you and remain faithful, I suggest you give a nice guy a try.

Answer 5

That statement is very categorical and I have to say anytime someone takes that position I have to argue against it. Someone some where will be able to prove you wrong by being and honest husband.

If you have your divorce agreement then you husband has to abide by it. Force the law to deal with your husband you don't have to. I'd document everything.

Much of what you're dealing with could come from the new wife through him. He sounds like an azz and quite selfish to be totally honest.

I wish you the best in this but know that NOT all men cheat.

Answer 6

I don't think anyone knows the percentage of men who cheat,but we do know that it's a lot,Also there are millions of reasons why they do:now that I've married you i don't like you,i made a mistake,If you as good to him as you say you were(and I'm not saying you were not)It's truly his loss.I know it's getting easier to find a three dollar bill than to find a good man,but believe it or not there's still some of us out here and were looking for you too!Just stay on the courts to make him do what's right.Your not garbage,you just been hurt,and you'll heal.Remember:he got the short end of the stick cause HE LOST YOU!

Answer 7

Sorry to hear this. I have always been faithful even when my (now exwife) wife was living with another mane while we were seperated. God sees you as not ever married according to his word. He also says "in the last days man will be lovers of themselves" You can see it all over the place now days. You are very worthy and very special to have kept your vows, I am very proud of you, it makes you very unique and of high character, and integrity. like some of us here you are a dieing breed. Not many of us left. Its just selfishness, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, he will get his.

I think you are very strong, and of very high quality!!!!!! Someone will find you and cherish you.

Answer 8

Wow, I am shocked. But you know that My dad cheating on my mom, also with other stepfather. and I said to myself no way I will be like them. and so my mom cheating on other men too.

Sweetie, there are men out there you can have faith again, trust, caring, giver, commucation, etc.

I married to my wife for 9 years now and 2 beautiful children. We trust eachother so much and love so much that we want to share each other so much.

My wife knows that I will not divorce her. One time she told me are you happy being married to me? Did you ever think want to marry some one else not me. I got so mad and told her, What the hell your plm why are you doing this? I didn't do anything. She said yeah that true. I got so mad and Walk out the door and I heard my daughter she is 2 that time and she said "Daddy, Daddy, Noooooooo!" I left and 2 mins I have no where to go went back home.

She want to talk and I said yes and my daughter so happy to see me and so my son. he was 1.. I told her why are you doing this?? why, I told you before It took me 5 years to have you in my life again and now this. Wow, If I didn't done last 5 years I wouldn't be here wtih you. But here the thing is that I told you that I will not divorce you period! only person to tell me is you to say I WANT DIVORCED. End the of it. you only person to say it and she said why me? Becasue youwill be the bad person not me. she smile said you know I love you so much I am so sorry for feeling like that.

You know there a men out there who first thing never commucate when there arugment and Men never sit down and talk about it and they holding and holding it until said want divorce. Stupid and I think that there a man out there are the same way you want trust caring giver, stuff like taht and I know there few good men out there like me.

I am so sorry that you have to go though what you been though. Next time you meet a guy, talk to him about stuff and if one time get into fight and you can tell him can we talk and solve this plm? if he said yes and sat down and talk about it and making it worked out. If that person made you feel wow he really talk about this plm and solved it. then that the guy you know, take your time to know him and ask him what would you do if I clean house and need your help??? he say I would love to help you. You have to really find a man that cares about you alot and want to tell you if something bothering him you know whatI mean?

I am sorry my english not good I am deaf and My wife is hearing. So hope this help. Remember you done so much for your husband and He didn't see it. You are a wonderful wife, and mother. I do hold my vow as sacred and would not betray my wife. If i knew i will betray my wife I won't be married. I felt so good to be with my wife everyday. so Don't give up and you are smart, great personility, outgoing, you did above your duty of marriage and mother do.

Answer 9

I was married for 18 yrs. I NEVER CHEATED ON EXWIFE. But she cheated Three times on me. I took my vows to heart. I was raised to believe that marriage was till death do you part, In sickness and health, for better or worse. EX didnt live by her vows. So dont think that way. I forgave ex two times but when I found out about third time Her AS* was out the door. Sorry you had to endure what you did but SHI* happens.

Answer 10

Well, first I might remind them that even Adam and Eve have been made in God's likeness, however with the capacity to decide upon correct from flawed...If Adam and Eve didn't realize they have been sinning why then did they suppose like they needed to disguise their our bodies out of disgrace from God? They're bare our bodies weren't hidden from God earlier to the sin they dedicated they usually had no issues with that did they? I might additionally ask the man or woman responding ," Would he/she decide upon NOT having alternative and remind them that if we did not have alternative" and " would not that then imply that we have been almost puppets for God in lieu of the truth that God might have left us and not using a negatives or positives in resolution making?"..Personally, I might decide upon to have offerings.....Not very one-of-a-kind than what today's day mom and dad have discovered to do with infants and babies whilst they're tempted to throw a tantrum...