I am trying to write up a flyer for a nonprofit charity to help keep my husband here for his family. I am following all the legal stuff, but the wording for the flyer seems off...
Can you help with the wording?
Cj is his kids' Life. His children look forward to the moment he returns from work everyday. Cj has always been a great Daddy to Xander and Lily. He brings home the bacon and cooks it too!
Cj takes good care of his kids and their Mommy too! He loves them before everything, including himself.
Right now he's in some legal trouble where his family needs some serious help too keep him out of Jail.
When Cj was still a kid his boss sent him to drive an uninsured car. He was unaware of the uninsured status of the car. As he was leaving his place of employment he was involved in an auto-collision. He was therefore responsible for the cost of the repairs. He nows owes $12,000. He is court-ordered to pay this or he will face time in jail.
Please Help Cj stay home with us
2006-07-28 21:38:04 · 8 answers · asked by heavenly917 3 in Education & Reference ➔ Words & Wordplay
Please just let me know if the wording sounds okay
2006-07-28 21:46:29 · update #1
There are a few mechanical problems which I will address below. My main suggestion, however, has to do with the last line. From whose point of view is this plea coming? If the voice is that of the children, the entire paragraph needs to be re-written from their point of view. If you want to leave it as it is, then the last line should maintain a consistent point of view and read something like, "Please help CJ to stay home with his family" or "Please help CJ to stay out of jail," followed by a specific request for donations or whatever.
Now, the mechanical problems:
1. The guy's initials or nickname should both be capitalized: CJ.
2. "Every day" is two words in this context.
3. "Daddy" should not be capitalized (only if it's used as his name). Same with mommy.
4. Omit the "too" after "mommy." It's repetitive.
5. "too keep him out of Jail" should read, "to keep him out of jail".
6. "When Cj was still a kid" makes him sound like he's 12 years old. How about rephrasing it? Maybe, "Two years ago..." or something llike that.
7. Change "auto-collision. He was therefore responsible for the cost of the repairs." to "accident, and as the driver, he was held responsible for the cost of the repairs."
Hope this helps!
2006-07-28 23:09:42 · answer #1 · answered by keepsondancing 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hi
2006-07-29 04:46:54 · answer #2 · answered by _ 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think it sonds great, but just a little off, ur right, but i dont know what. i would try to blame this in his company, or the person who he was in a crash with. this might get u money. or take out a bank loan if u can to help with the 12000$.
2006-07-29 08:18:10 · answer #3 · answered by reading rules! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So basically your sponging off people? How do they know your story is true and your not pocketing the money?
2006-07-29 04:45:18 · answer #4 · answered by georgia1980 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Claim bankrupcy.
2006-07-29 05:28:14 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the line "He loves them before everything, including himself"is kinda messed up, maybe you can change it to "he loves them more then everything, Including life/himself" maybe that's why it sounds a little 'off'
2006-07-29 04:50:51 · answer #6 · answered by dragzeela 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i am very sorry but it had somany ttime had passed. you will need a lawyer maybe he/she will help
2006-07-29 05:46:14 · answer #7 · answered by MK 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he should be suing his boss for the money.
2006-07-29 04:42:45 · answer #8 · answered by Leather M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋