Why when a family suffers a death, do people ignore them, treat them like they have an awful disease?

Question

Our daughter and SIL after 3 miscarriages, had a beautiful boy who was stillborn on July 7th. Suddenly it's as if we all have a contagious illness and many people who DO talk to us are rude to the point of cruel. Has anyone else gone though this? How did you feel? How Did you cope? Can you believe that one so-called "friend" has done all he could to cause us more grief because HIS daughter's baby LIVED? We had to get a restraining order against him, it's insane! We are so lost and feel so alone. Please serious answers only. (We Are A Christian Family And Right Now God Is The Only One We KNOW We Can Depend On.) Can anyone help us understand why people act this way? Thanks.

Hope this clears up something about the friend....his cruelity wasn't imagined or his being uncomfortable, it was a reason to lash out and we happened to be in the way. He cursed us because our grandson died and his lived to face an uncertain future! Excuse me, who DOES have a certain future? He tried to set our house on fire, poisoned our dog, (She lived thank God) and all the while he is spouting off that we somehow hurt him and his wife with OUR grandchild's death! He even told my daughter to her face that her sweet little boy had been a breathing abortion before his death! And he isn't the only one, just the worst one, others are going out of their way to be rude and hurtful, IF they speak to us at all and we've asked no one for anything. THIS is why we are all so hurt and confused. TY

Answer 1

First of all please accept my sincere, heartfelt condolences on your loss. As to why people do the things they do, well, There's really no good explanation for that. Sometimes, unfortunately human beings can just be cruel.
My Mom died five months ago from cancer. It was a terrible blow to my family. We love and miss her so much. We are fortunate to have had wonderful Christian community wide support. She was one of those extraordinary women that always gave of herself and honestly loved and was loved by all she knew. I was blessed to have had her for 47 years. I can empathize with your loss, but not with the inhuman behavior of the people you are having to deal with. God WILL sustain you and eventually will give you peace. Hold fast to your faith in Christ and his love for your family. I will pray for you that God will give you his peace which passes all understanding.
God bless and keep you.

Answer 2

I am truly sorry for the losses you and your family have suffered. I cannot begin to imagine the heartbreak you all are going through. Often in times of misfortune and tragedy people end up doing one of two things. Either they don't know what to say and/or are afraid to say the wrong thing and thus they say nothing - which is almost worse because you're left to wonder if they care. Then there are those people who offer their two sense because they "know how you feel" (when they couldn't possibly have a clue unless they have walked in your shoes) . These people say completely the wrong things (like, "maybe it was for the best," or "well why do they keep trying...")in an effort to offer comfort and supposed expertise. Often you wonder if they even realize what they are saying because it is so ridiculous (kind of like the reporter that asks the grieving family member "and how does that make you feel?") I hope you can find some peace as you grieve your loss. Take comfort in God, and in one another and look to each other for strength. Also, consider looking for some local support groups that can offer you what others have been lacking.

Answer 3

The most difficult think in the world is to know how to act and what to say to someone that has just experienced a loss. It is human nature to be very uncomfortable around anyone who has experienced a loss. It gets better for people the more they overcome their own feelings and just be there rather then be there and feel they have to say something. This cruel person is the one with the problem, maybe he/she has a communication problem or maybe he is just plain cruel ( I don't know). But the most important think now is to stick together as a family and give your daughter all the support and love that you can muster. Ignore these horrible people aand concentrate on the one thing that really matters your daughter

Answer 4

People are afraid of things that they don't understand. I am so very sorry for your loss. They are not sure what to say or how to act.
Many people are afraid to say something that will offend you.

As for your friend, I am not certain what he has done to you but he sounds like he has mental health issues.
I lost one baby, the first and spent 4 months in the hospital to hold on to the second. The sense of loss is unparallelled. There is an emptiness.Light a candle for the baby you lost to celebrate his little life. He was not well and that is why nature selected him to pass.

The next child you have will be healthy. Time will heal the empty feeling. Keep hope by thinking about how beautiful your baby will be. Given that you are a Christian, believe your child is in god's arms and is hugging him. Perhaps he was a little too perfect for this world.

Big hug.

Answer 5

While I am not in your situation, I understand that it is very painful for you, and i'd like to try and explain why people act as they do.Please understand that I'm trying to explain a phenomena, and don't misconstrue the explanation as justification or condonement.
Quite simply put people are uncomfortable with death, and even if they feel sorry, and want to express their sympathy, aren't able to. The ironic thing about this is often times people will want to comfort those who have suffered a loss, but at the same time are afraid of rubbing salt in a wound by addressing the topic.
I have personally found myself feeling awkward and not knowing what to say to a grieving individual. I remember muttering some platitudes that could not possibly soothe the pain. Even though I wanted to convey my sympathy, i felt like there was nothing I could say to make things better, and felt that my attempt to do so made me look foolish.
After having read your story, I honestly feel for you and would love to be able to say something to you that would express my sympathy, and make you feel better. I know that these events are a dark chapter in your life, and I feel like anything I say is inadequate in light of the devastating setbacks you have suffered.

Answer 6

First i want to say GOD bless your family and i have a friend that had a similar pregnancy problem that really hit me by surprise when i found out about it,i feel that some people have a way of dealing with things they don't understand as hostile or contagious only because they are too weak to face the reality that GOD is the judge not us.
they think if they remove or distance or harm what they fear or don't want to understand that it will protect them some how.
fear not my friend for GOD will show all the errors of the way of ignorance and predigest,take care of your daughter and take her on a trip to a place that she can try to pray about this to GOD explain to her that these people are not important nor the way they treat your family let GOD guide you all in the the way of tolerance and good.
hating this person or persons will not make her nor you feel better. pray for the children and the misguided ones i feel that will help GOD willing .

Answer 7

Personally, I did it because I didn't know what to say or do. I tried to tell my friend how rotten I felt for him when his Dad passed away unexpected and I blurted out "Wow, that sucks". But, that was really how I felt.

It's the same reason why people use all the same cliches when signing a condolence card. No idea what the hell to say, knowing that nothing I write in this stupid card will make you feel any better. Better to ignore someone in pain then say something insensitive to make it worse. Sucks, but that's what goes through my mind.

Hope you find some peace about this issue.

Answer 8

A lot of people mean well but just don't know how to console others. They may also have trouble facing the issue of death in their own lives. And some others may not talk to you because they are afraid they may say something that will increase your pain. So they just stay away from you. And then there are some who are just mean and insensitive.

Answer 9

people often aviod you because they dont know what to say or dont want to upset you, it is difficult to approach a friend when they have had a loss like that only in fear of causing you m,ore distress by saying " i am so sorry" your friend could not help the fact that his granddaughter lived and i dont think that was a very christian thing to say,you have to deal with this in your own time but hating the fact that a friends baby lived is not the right path to take ,the baby is an innocent person. im sorry for your loss but i think you would benefit from bereavment counciling

Answer 10

It's hard for those people to know what to say without being insensitive; therefore, they just avoid you. I've been on both sides of the fence. Lost a child and everyone avoided me. Whoever didn't seemed cold and insensitive and said the wrong things. My friend lost a child, I avoided her because I felt anything that I would say to console her would only sound callous and cruel.