My boyfriend and I have lived together now for over two years. And every or every other weekend his fourteen year old son stays with us. I have my "rules" of the house, but my boyfriend won't say anything to his son - he tells me to tell him. I feel it's my house but not my place to tell his son what to do - this causes much friction and arguments. Please help!
2006-07-28 16:18:35 · 30 answers · asked by michael c 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It is really sad that your boyfriend won't join you in a "united front" concerning his child. Sounds to me like he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and is more than willing to let you take all of the heavy work of discipline to make sure that he isn't. You two really should talk this out and you need to let him know that you want a good relationship with his son but are finding it hard to do when you are always the one disciplining him. I have been in this situation and I really feel for you. It is so hard on a relationship when a child outside of the relationship comes around, much less when the main parent won't take on his duties. I sure hope this works out for you. I had to put my foot down and tell my bf that if he didn't start taking up for me and start laying down the laws of the house, then he could take his daughter to a hotel room on those weekends that he has her. He took me up on that a couple of times but later on down the road saw what I was trying to say and it has been ok since. Good luck!
2006-07-28 16:29:03 · answer #1 · answered by swtz69drmz 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Any parenting book will tell you that the parent needs to be the one that does the disciplining and that it should not be left to a step parent and that doing so leads to nothing but trouble. Your bf needs to grow up and be a parent, not a pal and he needs to be the man in your relationship. Tell him straight up that the kid follows the rules or doesn't come and that its not your kid so its not your problem to deal with. It can't be an argument if you refuse to participate in it. If he won't take care of his son his son shouldn't be there and if he is you should submit a bill for babysitting fees. You two aren't even married. Go stay somewhere else those weekends or if its your place tell him to go somewhere else with the kid, if he won't compromise on making it work then it just won't.
2006-07-28 16:26:16 · answer #2 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is true. Your boyfriend needs to be the one to set the house rules. Perhaps you can share with him the responses you get here, if you think that might be of help. If his son was a small child, that might make a difference but this is a young man we are speaking of here and at his age the resentment against you will be incurring will be very confusing for all concerned. One thing to ask yourself is to be realistic about your expectations and lenient where you can and firm where you can't. Perhaps you could both compose 'lists' supporting your reasoning. I do not think your boyfriend could come up with very many reasons for leaving this all on you.
I would add one comment. Many relationships are broken up during these trying years in child rearing. Just remember in a few years these problems will be gone (and no doubt others will arise). I have seen many relationships crumble over very simple problems like this, so do not have over expectations it is not that bad, but merely an annoyance. I do not know the particular situations you are speaking of, so you will have to decide where to draw the line.
2006-07-28 16:28:19 · answer #3 · answered by honorbright24 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are absolutely right in asking your boyfriend to parent his son. However, he's probably feeling very protective of his kid and since he only sees him every other weekend (I can't even begin to imagine being away from my kids that long), your boyfriend is probably very much wanting his son to enjoy his time with his dad. So, lighten up on your rules for these weekends. As long as the kid isn't doing anything destructive, just let him enjoy his time with his dad. The next four years are going to fly by and you won't have to worry any longer, will you? And rules are made to be broken... give the kid (and his dad) a break.
2006-07-28 16:24:31 · answer #4 · answered by mJc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you two have been together for so long and his son comes to your house on a regular basis you have every right to speak your mind and enforce the rules of your house; however, since your boyfriend is his parent, he should also step up and enforce the rules of your house. Even if you are the step parent you and your boyfriend need to work together as a team and be a united force when it comes to discipline.
2006-07-28 16:26:34 · answer #5 · answered by kel_kat28 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your boyfriend is right. It is your house and not his place to keep telling his son about your rules. However, once that has taken place (you telling the son what he can and can't do in your house) and the son continues to disrespect your rules without intervention by your boyfriend, well.......you need to get them both out there. A man who will not intervene to support the respect his woman deserves, is not a man worth having around. AND, if this continues, remember, he's teaching his son that showing respect to woman is not a very important thing to do. By your allowing it.....your teaching "both of them" the same thing.
2006-07-28 16:28:08 · answer #6 · answered by ktltel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell your boyfriend what you think and don't let the little rules cause a problem and remember that some rules the kid is going to break he's only 14 but then there are some that you need to stand up for ..you just have to decide witch rules are witch.
2006-07-28 16:21:55 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course you have the right to discipline this boy. It's your house. But I see your point. Your boyfriend should be taking the lead on the discipline. Sounds like he wants to be the "fun week-end dad" and wants you to be the "bad guy". Not fair. If you can't get your boyfriend to do his duty, the two of you, or maybe even the three of you need to go to some counseling.
2006-07-28 16:25:14 · answer #8 · answered by mocha5isfree 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ur bf doesn't want to b the bad guy in the kid's eyes i think. sit the kid down and explain it to him in front of his father and make sure he understands that ur not goin to tolerate certain things. i'm sure there r things he likes about stayin with the 2 of u, and if those privledges need to b taken away bc he broke a rule, (make the punishment match the crime) then that's the way it has to b.
it's tough and i understand u don't want to get in the middle of the kid, ur man, and his ex, but y should u have to suffer? u opened ur home to this kid, and in the end he'll respect u more for stickin to ur guns. so the next time the lil sucker leaves dishes in ur sink after u've cleaned ur kitchen, show him how to clean out a fridge or mop the floor. if it's dirty clothes strewn about, have him assist u in foldin clothes and putting them away. sheets r a good start as it'd b alot easier to do with 2 ppl, maybe then u can talk to the kid, reinforce y u have these rules, and that everyone needs to do their part. ur not the maid girl. good luck!
2006-07-28 16:26:59 · answer #9 · answered by Y!um 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ive had the same problem. Dad doesn't want to be the bad guy. Well I would just put dad on the spot. Next time his kid disobeys bring it to dads attention in front of him. And say to him, how do we want to handle this?
most likely his son is trying for his attention and is a little jealous of the fact that you are there with his dad all the time and he isn't. I know it's hard but try to become his friend and confidant.
This really worked for me. GOOD LUCK
2006-07-28 16:30:30 · answer #10 · answered by Lori L 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋