my gf has 3 kids who hope she will get back with their dad they resent me. + we r gay. can we make it work out

Question

she won custody after a long and nasty divorce. we were friends thru it and fell in love. we have a very special thing but it is very tough with his negative influences and the kids getting confused a lot. they have always liked me and say they are ok with the lesbian thing but the older 2 resent me for "getting in the way of their dad winning her back" I had nothing to do with their breakup and she had asked for a divorce before we even met, but they think it is about me now even though they have been told numerous times that she will never go back to him and deeply loves me. We now have to part because of it all and it looks like we cannot be together until they are 18.

Answer 1

Yes, you can make it work.

It sounds like it's just going to take some time for the kids to get used to the idea that their Mom is not going back to their Dad. And it may be a rough, nasty time for the two of you as you try to ride it out.

I hear about this type of thing all the time, so I don't think it's uncommon. Kids resent anyone who they perceive as coming between their parents, because it's very hard for them to understand that Mom and Dad don't love each other anymore. In fact, I think kids really resist the thought, because Mom and Dad, and their love, is one of the foundations of any child's universe. Mom and Dad aren't regular people with needs and personalities, they are almost like an institution, and any threat to that institution is a threat to the child. As such, it is much easier for a child to project their anger and resentment on a third party, than on their parents, which sounds a lot like what you are dealing with.

I don't think that the fact that you are lesbians has much to do with it, other than the fact that it's kind of hard for kids to understand, and the obvious fact that their father will be using that as ammunition against her. That's one of the worst things about a nasty divorce; sometimes one parent, or even both, cannot see that by saying bad things about their ex, they are actually confusing their children, and making it worse for them.

I think that every child, even if they have witnessed a bad marriage, has a fantasy that Mom and Dad will get back together when they split apart. My parents had a horrible marriage, and I was old enough to know and understand what was going on when they finally separated, but that didn't keep me from having fantasies about my father changing his bad behavior (adulterer, abuser) and coming back, hat in hand, and re-winning my mother's affections.

You say it looks like you will have to split up until the kids are 18. That is, naturally, up to the two of you, but I would urge you to try and weather the storm with the kids, and stay together instead. People who are unhappy, even if it's because they are making a sacrifice for their kids, cannot help but let that unhappiness spill over into other areas of their life. I think your girlfriend will be the very best Mom she can be if she has you by her side, loving her and helping her be happy. I don't think we are at our best when we are deeply unhappy inside, and I think that interferes with the other areas of our lives; I know I couldn't be the person I am if I wasn't able to be with my husband and have his daily support, encouragement, and love.

Have you talked about taking the kids to counseling? I know that there are counseling programs that help kids deal with the fact that their parents are divorced. They help the children understand why divorce happens, that it isn't their fault, and they allow children to learn how to express their feelings about the death of their parents' marriage. They also help children get over the unrealistic expectations that their parents will reunite. Perhaps there are services like that available in your area. I know in my community, counseling is often mandatory for children when their parents divorce, and if further counseling is needed, it is available either for free or very little.

I wish you both the very best, and I sincerely hope you can find a way to make it work.

Answer 2

I am so sorry! I know it must be hard. I am no counselor, however, I have to say that kids come first at least for a while. Divorce is hard on kids and they don't & can't really understand it. Maybe they just need more time to get used to their mom and dad being apart. However, I do believe there are times when the parent basically has to draw the line and say, "I am moving on with my life (in this area) and end of discussion." Try to hang on - the kids are just looking for (and needing) someone to blame. I think if you two are truly friends first, you can make it through this.

Answer 3

All kids hope that their parents will get back together. It has nothing to do with yall being a gay couple.
Hell, my kids still resent anyone that I am with because they want me and their dad to be together and they are grown.
I have dealt with this for over 20 yrs.

It makes it really hard when the kids are young because a mother will always put her children first which means most of the time she will never have a lasting relationship as long as her kids wont give her a break.
I hate to have to tell you this.
I put my feelings and my relationships on hold until my kids were grown and now I can tell them to "bite me", that I raised them, and now it is MY turn to live, love and have a relationship with someone other then THEM.

Answer 4

I gather that there is some kind of verbage in a legal document that says you cannot be around the kids until they are 18?? If that's the case, then you've answered your question, and it is NO, you cannot make it work. As far as the resenting you goes...our counselor said that they will always resent whoever she ends up with to some extent because deep down inside the kids will always have hope that their parents will get back together.

Answer 5

Sounds remarkably like standard step-parenting stuff to me. Even if you had nothing to do with the break-up the kids are going to see you as the reason their folks didn't get back together. They may resent you for the rest of their lives or they may get over it and accept you as a member of the extended family. Family counseling is a good idea. The kids need to talk to an uninvolved adult. They need to express their feelings and also to get a reality check from someone who isn't part of the drama.

Answer 6

I don't know how old the kids are, but my guess is with time they will come around. Perhaps going together once in awhile to movies & a pizza would work. I don't see why the two of you couldn't go out alone a couple times a month AND I wouldn't keep it a secret. That would only make them more resentful. Once they see their mother happy.. Also if you sneak around, you perpetuate the homophobic myth.

Answer 7

i think if the 2 of you love each other the way you say you do then there is no reason for you not to be together. judging on the age of the kids they are old enough to know what they are doing is wrong, they will always want to see there parents together but they are going to have to come to the realization that it is never going to happen again, they broke up for a reason, and I'm sure the kids know the reason why. be happy together, why wait until the kids are 18, there is no reason to, if they want to see their mom happy they will ease up on the 2 of you, and you can live your happily ever after

Answer 8

Boy, this is a tough one. Kids AND a less than Norman Rockwell lifestyle...

I don't know about the whole staying away until they are 18 thing. Maybe you should just stay in an apartment and visit your girl and her kids for a few months. After the kids realize that their mom isn't going back to their dad, and you are staying in the picture, they might begin to accept you and their mom as a real thing.

Of course, I am straight with no kids, so take my advice with that in mind...

Answer 9

Well me being a mother myself have had to put many a relationship to the side for the sake of my children. Now that is not always the best solution...but it is the easiest. Because when the kids are all grown and find their own love and live their own lives....mom is all alone. So just continue your "friendship" with her and understand being a mom is a job that you get little or no recognition or thanks for. You make sacrafices that most people would not dream of. Your happiness is never in question...it's everbody else's. So if you can't have her in a relationship...please support and love her....because she is giving up a great deal to be a good mom!!

Good luck!

Answer 10

It wouldn't matter who she was with right now - her children are not going to be able to accept it at this time. The family needs time to heal and get used to life wihout Dad as a daily part.

You can still be together, but it's probably a good idea to stay out of it for a while. Let them get used to their new life. You can see your girlfriend when the kids are with their Dad. Once their new life is normal to them they will be able to handle your relationship with their mom a little better.