To you my protector, my light and my love,
I give you my heart, like a star up above,
You brighten my world, when bad men try to rule it,
You break them like stone, in pain you strive through it.
I was imprisoned, alone in the dark,
You came in with light, and stole my poor heart,
Alone in the world, you came in with your love,
You are my protector, my star up above.
2006-07-28 10:08:04 · 30 answers · asked by Bunnygirl24 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
*tear*
2006-07-28 10:11:00 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I m sorry but I am always very hard on people's poems - they are almost always awful. Good poetry is difficult to find and you havent stopped the rot I'm afraid.
For example how do you give someone your heart like a star? What does breaking someone like stone mean? Why is your protector in pain and is it the pain that s/he is striving through? Who was alone in the world you or your protector?
Heres a quick variation on your theme. Nothing great but just to show how metaphors and similes can work, they need to make sense and have some deeper connection with the themes - eg: doves / peace - war. LIght / shine etc.
To you my protector, my light and my love
I give you my heart like I hand you a dove
You bring peace to my soul - as others bring war
And I pray you will shine by my side ever more.
Sorry if this sounds rude/dismissive I don't mean it that way. I just love poetry (good poetry!)
2006-07-30 05:08:35 · answer #2 · answered by Mick H 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I see what you are trying to do here. I suppose if you really want it to rhyme then that's your choice but I think the rhymes make it read more like a nursery rhyme than a love poem. Please consider free verse.
The first line is good but take out 'you' it's not serving a purpose. The simile in the second line doesn't make sense. In what way is giving your heart comparable to a star? You need to think of something else. I tried to think of something but it isn't coming to me at the moment.
I don't really understand the last two lines of the first stanza. Who are these 'bad men', in what way do they try to rule your world? 'In pain you strive through it...' what's 'it'?
The second stanza makes perfect sense but the rhythmn and form does not match the first stanza, is this intentional? If not sort it out so that they are both the same. If it is intentional then why the change, I can see no evident reason.
the content of the second stanza is highly metaphorical. You need to make it more evident that you are being metaphorical, or were you literally imprisoned? From the last two lines of the first stanza this may be the case, if so, again be more clear.
I'm sorry if this sounds a little harsh but if you know what the problems are you have the opportunity to fix them. Overall it's a good attempt and fairly original considering the trite subject matter. Try to think around love a bit more, what it means to you. Be very specific and let your true feelings show in your poetry.
Good luck!
2006-07-28 10:24:11 · answer #3 · answered by Fluorescent 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a lot of courage and passion,i give it up to you.
but a lot of mistakes in every single line, except the 1st line which i call a personal confirmation so it can never be wrong in this case,and the7th, line 2nd from bottom, which is also quite a form of truth and can not be disputed.
Andy H gave one,but i can give more,like when one is in prison they would have done something wrong themselves and then someone comes or breaks into that prison and steals instead of setting free.i do not see how someone can show love by stealing 'my poor heart'
how does a star protect as it gives the least or no light at all to light a path like a moon(an alternative word)would do.
i have never,until today of course,read or heard of giving a heart like a star,iam confused.
anyways poetry must be reflective of nature for it to relate to normal people.a reflection is of cause the exact image and it might appear distorted but it is still the same object.
no room for ambiguity(not to much of cause).
do you get me?
but again, i salute your love for this art.
2006-07-28 11:13:01 · answer #4 · answered by PointsDontMatter 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
who is your target audience?
it's cute but there are words that children will not comprehend (imprisoned, in pain you strive through it). if it's for adults, "bad men" isn't appropriate anymore for them.
check your choice of words. but it's a good start. :)
2006-07-28 13:27:09 · answer #5 · answered by yawmee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's lovely. I would guess this is about finding God. It's peaceful and I can feel your emotion in the words. Absolutely excellent. If you have any more, you can send them to me if you want any advice or opinions.
2006-07-28 10:16:25 · answer #6 · answered by Evil J.Twin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love it.....you truly spoke your mind......I won't give a 10......a 20......a 30.......a 40......a 50......a 60.....a 70.....an 80.....or a 90 but a 1000......haha you thought I was gonna say 100.......I really love it.......it is awesome......one of the best I have ever heard!
2006-07-28 10:14:39 · answer #7 · answered by NOYB 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is a beautiful poem and it sounds like it is from the heart. keep it up
2006-07-28 10:21:54 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly? I think it's ok, but not terribly original, and a bit trite. However, the person you wrote it for will probably love it.
2006-07-28 10:13:30 · answer #9 · answered by Jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. If you write more poems like this, try to put them all in a book. I bet many people would buy it.
2006-07-28 15:54:26 · answer #10 · answered by Morango Girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Fine...one minor suggestion:
You brighten my world, when bad men would dim it,
2006-07-28 10:14:14 · answer #11 · answered by Brand X 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋