what we can do for disciplining an adopted toddler?

Question

My wife and I have inherited/adopted an ethopian toddler (long story) What can we do to discipline the child and still build some attachment? Its been a little over eight weeks now and things seem to be getting worse, 3 to 5 temper tantrums daily. We do time outs but seem to have no effect? She will randomly go up and Hit and kick our animals (we tell her this is bad and give her time outs... does not seem to be helping) If she does not get her way she will hit, kick, headbutt.... Scream at the top of her lungs... everyone tells me this is normal toddler behavior... I do not believe it... I know about testing limits but this repeats everyday and seems to be getting worse. If anyone has any suggestions that we might be able to see immediate results please respond... if you have any other questions please respond as well and I will try and give answers... (we do not know the Childs entire history) Her mom calls her weekly and lately she does not want to talk to her?

Answer 1

I have read all the other answers and they are well meaning but incorrect.

This young human being has been subjected to extreme trauma. Not only has she lost her parents, she has lost her sociocultural background.

All child development occurs within the sociocultural background into which we are born. So not only is she having to deal with a situation where you are taking the place of her parents, but she is in a whole new sociocultural system. Perhaps now you can understand where her frustration and consequently her aggression stems from?

Definitely do not take negative sanctions against her. It will reinforce her negativity towards her new situation and will make matters worse. She is extremely upset and you must identify with that. communication is the only tool which is going to solve this problem!

You need to act as her coach and mentor. When she kicks the animals, explain that this is not a good thing to do. Explain how the animals must feel and tell her calmly how you expect her to behave. Whatever you do, don't display any anger, or she will never trust you. Most of all Identify with her insecurity and her fear.

Continually tell her and reassure her how much you love her and value her.

This is not going to happen overnight. This is a long drawn out campaign and you are fantastic people for even thinking about taking it on! Be patient. Give her massive positive reinforcement over any small good thing that she does and celebrate it with her.

Make her feel valued and loved and over the long term, she will value and love you.

Take care and I wish you well.

If I can be any further help, please contact me.

Answer 2

It's hard to give you a good answer when we don't know what the child has been through before coming to you. Eight weeks is not a long time for the child to become acclimated to the new environment. (It probably seems really long to you) You say she's a toddler but is that 18 months or 3 years?
She's obviously acting out and perhaps just hugging her and telling her she's safe and you love her (if you do - if you don't, don't say it, kids can tell). Obviously you can't let her injure the animals and she should be stopped and told that it hurts them.
It may continue to get worse for awhile until she knows she's safe and that there are limits. Time outs should be no longer than her age in minutes. If she's 3, then 3 minutes.
It must be hard to hear and see this but she's probably traumatized and her tantrums are her only outlet. As she feels safer and safer with you, she may do more until gradually she starts to realize that cooperating gets her a lot more of what she wants. Since you've adopted her and she still talks to her mother, she probably really feels conflicted. I hope there are some professional child counselors involved. If not, go to one, if only to give you some tools to handle this.

Answer 3

the same as with a natural child ,though do to the short time with you get some advice from a parenting group of adopted kids. They have been there where you are you are not alone. I will search for some groups. Inquire through your health department for some parenting assistance. Just keep showing love. If it gets too much take turns having a break. I wish I had something more to tell you, but you are looking for help that is a start. All my best with your new child!
I will pray you get the wisdom and patience you need to raise this child you have been gifted with.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PA_Transracial_Adoptive_Families/
PS no matter what she does don't over react. It is the reaction she is watching. Be firm but cool and always in love and one day she will know how much. If the mom does not want to speak with her? then don't let her talk to her for a while till things settle. It could be the calls that are causing some of this. It is really hard not knowing the details of why you have this child is it a permanent placement? If the child does not want to speak with her mom don't force her. She may feel abandoned and needs reassurance,and that is where specialists can help you.
Contact the support group or check one of the many others yahoo has, I gave you the links to my search for groups.

Answer 4

Wow. What a difficult situation. When she does something bad or throws a temper tantrum I find it best to take her out of the situation and isolate her. Put her in a quiet room and make her sit on the bed or a chair. Stay in the doorway with your back turned so she doesnt feel abandoned and wait a couple of minutes. Go to her and tell her why you put her in time out and make her say she is sorry then hug her. Temper tantrums are normal for toddlers but hitting is never ok. She needs to be showed that it is wrong.

Answer 5

Consistency is key. Also, when your child hits the pet, show the child how to console the animal and make it a point that the child hurt the animal.

Yes, toddlers can be a hand full.

Why is the biological mother calling her weekly? She is not the mom! Your wife is the mom. And what does the biological mom say to your child on the phone? You may want to listen in.

There are no quick fixes. Nurturing is a process.

Answer 6

I think this behavior is because she is testing you. Dont give up on the time outs. Are you putting her in a time out spot where she cant not play with toys? My daughter is 2 and goes through the same behavior. Maybe seek some counseling. I think that your child might be showing her feelings also. Have you checked out books from a library. I hope my advice will help you out a little bit. God Bless you and Good luck!

Answer 7

You should discipline the child like it was your own b/c now it is. If time outs aren't working maybe you should try something else.
Attatchment building isn't something I would worry about. You build attatchment through fun activities and by letting the child know you love her, but your child must learn that there are always consequences for her actions.
You could even try rewarding her for each time she goes through a certain amount of time without doing something bad.

Answer 8

You don't mention if language is an issue. If the toddler is old enough and fluent enough to understand some English, then you need to give her clear "if, then " limits. By this I mean, tell "if you do this, then that will happen". Then, follow through with the consequence. After several times, she will begin to understand that her behavior determines her reward/punishment.
With headstrong children, firm, consistent parenting is essential. Don't let her threats of hating you, or "you're mean" erode your plan.
Good luck.

Answer 9

This is not normal behavior for a toddler. She is emotionally disturbed. For some reason, she is striking out in anger because she doesn't know any other way to express her feelings. The three of you need to go for counseling. That child must have had something really traumatic, happen to her. Until you find out what is really bothering her, you can't have any kind of relationship with her.

Answer 10

Well some of that is normal....but...
some of this sounds like she is testing boundaries...seeing how much she can get away with...establish who's in charge...
To be honest this maybe the time for a good old bottom swat!
no I didn't say whooping I said a bottom swat while you sharply say "No"!
Adopted or not is not an issue
whats at stake is you establishing rules she has to follow.