What do you think of my poem?

Question

Sometimes when I think about you;

I melt like glacier ice in springtime,

Droplet by droplet down the waterfall,

And I perch my feet against the summit;

Ready and willing for the feel of the plummet.

I see you below staring up at me;

You scream, "Don't jump without thinking!"

The distance between disaster and gypsy miles:

Hundreds of roads take me away from you.

Do you wonder what I have discovered?

Blood and fears all around me;

Bend and break spokes in the wheel!

Let them spin off the axis till they hit the ground!

Fatal games draw blood; the speculation draws me in!

With uncertainty, the canyons and ocean below me.

Fatal games drown in my sea;

The abyss turns with tsunamis.

Hit my body and destroy me!

For my lover lives without me;

And I refuse to drown in his ocean.

It was accepted for publication at poetry.com,

A critic on 'Urban Vancouver', a website, called it 'emotionally vacant' and 'lost to its own use of techniqu

Answer 1

That was really good in fact great!

Answer 2

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It does not unavoidably would desire to rhyme even though it needs to hit my emotions. i think of readability of expression is substantial as nicely. i do no longer want to 2nd wager what i'm analyzing approximately. I continuously seek for what I term "poetic gemstones"interior the textual content textile.

Answer 3

It reminds me of this hillbilly song from midwest USA:
She was comin' round the mountain 98 miles an hour,
When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
She was found in the grass..................

Yours is much better, I can't bear to finish mine........(she wrecked her bike and it flew apart.......)

Answer 4

Heavy. Definitely do not think it is emotionally vacant. Good job!

Answer 5

Sounds good to me. The critic sounds snooty. More power to you, keep writing, cuz you can't win them all.

Answer 6

I think it's beautiful---loaded with talent. Don't forget the definition of critics, "Those who can't do, critique."

Answer 7

it sucks. There are 2 things you can right a poem about, those are love and nature. NEVER BOTH

Answer 8

Have to agree.... and I usually don't like critics.

Answer 9

I thought you had tree pieces in one poem.

Answer 10

thats fine. good work as i have not read it compeletly but its good work infact i have a bit headache.