Even though you still love your spouse, how do you know if your marrige is over?

Question

I met my spouse 6 years ago. I got pregnant and when the baby was 2 years old we got married. My husband has never been the romantic kinda guy, he is kinda the simple kind. I have aways felt he married me for our son. We now have another son, 1 year old. Our relationship is cold, I can never talk with him about the way I feel without him getting angry and putting all the blame on me. I work all day, but he expects me to keep the house spotless and take care of the kids. In 6 years we have been together, he has NEVER told me he is happy. Now, we don't have sex, he is always angry, nothing I do is ever right, he gets home and goes directly to his computer and is online until he goes to bed. He adores his kids, but I really feels he doesn't love me and the only reason he is stays in the marriage are the kids. I lovehim with all my heart, and don't want to give up on our marrige. How do I know that our marriage is defenitely over and have to face divorce even though I love him?

Answer 1

Please, please think about the future of your kids. I am sure that your kids too love him a lot, like you. They need love from both of you. Your patience and persistence will yield its results some day, tomorrow, though not today..

Because, tomorrow, tomorrow, we love you tomorrow..because..you are always there..

Believe in you, believe in the Supreme force, and do the right.

Answer 2

Oh, this is bad. Communication is the best solution for everything. If you still love him you must open up and try to talk like adults without any insults of blaming each other. Don't make him feel like he is trapped or you are there just to complain. Instead, try to make him feel like you are a team and you are just sorting out stuff. And always start with good stuff, like how much you love him and point out his qualities as well. Otherwise he will feel bashed. Do you know want I mean? You can even offer him to get marriage counselling.

*********edit: I don't think playing games is very adult thing to do like some people here suggest. You are a woman now, you're not in high school. "Just act in some way and expect your husband will decipher the sign and get the idea" is very high-school, in my humble opinion. Why complicate things, choose the direct and mature way.
I wish you the best! Good luck!

Answer 3

Either you or the two of you together need to get into marriage counseling RIGHT now. If you're asking this question, you still have feelings for your husband (although I would have personally kicked his butt to the curb ages ago!), but you've reached your limit on what you can tolerate with regards to being emotionally battered and neglected.

Your husband lives in that house with you, he should do his fair share to help keep it neat and clean, and to help care for the kids and perhaps (gasp!!) cook a meal or two - or at worst, pick up some KFC!

It sounds to me that he's an egocentric, self-absorbed ******, and you need to make up your own mind on what you want to have happen in YOUR future. Basically all you are at this point is a maid & nanny. Let me just say that if you DID leave, you would be doing all of the stuff you're doing now, but you would be doing a little less laundry, and not having anyone to ***** about.

On a complete side-note, have you tried just NOT doing something for a few days? Like, not vacuuming, or dusting or whatever, and watched what happened? It might surprise you - he'll get mad, but if you say, "Hey, you don't like it, do it yourself!" it might get the message across.

I wish you luck. It sounds like you're in a really hard spot. Marriage or personal counseling and possibly consider separation. Its all I can offer.

Answer 4

Jamie is it?

I am a mother of three, and married.

Six years ago, you were married is that right?...You have a lot of questions here, that you can answer your self. What did he say when you were proposed to ....( two years after your first child was born?) Then five years later you have another son? do you see where I am going with this? It sounds like your husband is not actually mad at you-- but his self, some men find it hard to talk about there emotions, it sounds like he is more disappointed in his own accomplishments or actually the lack of -- than actually being mad at you.
Think about this... where is he when he comes home from work? Is he out with his friends? At a local bar?
when you tell him how you feel-- in his eyes it is telling him he is a failure as a husband and a father.
some times we women have to put ourselves in there shoes to see things in their perspective. Men are so mocho they don't like to admit when they need help.
I think he does love you, maybe he has tried to show you in his way and you missed it because you were to busy with the house chores or the children.
Give him some space and time to work out his problems, don't argue and take the pain out of your voice because he hears it as dissapointment, and not how you are truly feeling. be your self, involve your self more with your daily routine and don't say much to him. but be nice when he does confront you with a question, asnwer, smile, and go on about your buisness. It will make him courious. take the children out side and play. let your love for your husband and your children warm his heart, words can never express what actions can. If you love your husband --Save your marriage! marriage is a life time commitment no one ever said it would be easy!!

Answer 5

without reading your details, my answer is there is hope for a marriage until you say..."i feel absolutely no love for this person anymore" however, yoursd sounds like it needs a major ajustment in communication, in order to work...
first....do you know how to seduce a man...as long as you have not gained like 200 lbs, i would think physical atraction is not the problem, i mean he had sex with you before you were married right? so something made him want you then. so try getting yourt kids to sleep, going wherever your computer is drop to your knees and give him a bj...no warning, just !surprize! if that does not get you sex....
then you need to straight up tell him, that the marriage is not going to work if he does not tell you how he feels...now. he may think you nag too much, or try to hard, ect...when you see how he views your marriage youll see where you are responcible more clearly...not saying this is your fault... you cant change him, all you can do is focus on yourself...
he could be having an affair, or he could think you are....when you dont communicate, you dont know...do you? ask him, and dont let him back away, what he has to say may hurt you, let him say it...you want to know.....

Answer 6

Spending so much time on the computer and not having sex are big "red flags." Has he become engrossed in pornography or could he be having another relationship on line? The fact that he gets angry when you try to talk to him about your feelings may suggest that he is feeling guilty about something he is doing., so he gets defensive.

Can your marriage be saved? Your situation is especially difficult because it doesn't sound like your husband is doing any work to keep the marriage together, and he doesn't seem open to talking. Yet, it's important to keep this marriage together and to find a way to really improve it for your kids if at all possible.

Many people will tell you to confront him head on, and give him an ultimatum, but if he really isn't willing to talk, that would probably just begin the divorce proceedings. If he were listening to you, I would suggest telling him of your concerns and asking him what he needs from you and what he is willing to do to make the marriage better and maybe suggest marriage counseling, but since he sounds non-responsive, I'm going to suggest something a little more "crazy."

Declare war. Not on your husband, but on whatever it is that is pulling him away from you and your children. Is it another woman? Virtual women? You don't really need to know to go to battle.

What were the things that attracted him to you 6 years ago? (He did find you attractive because he got you pregnant.) Bring back the "old" you as much as possible. Flatter him, encourage him, build him up--yes--even though he doesn't deserve all of that right now. You are at war, remember? If you win the war, he can once again become the man who deserves you, but don't worry about that right now. You say you love him? Tell him all the things you love about him. Do nice things for him. Tell your babies what a great daddy they have. Wear sexy clothes--at least wear sexy underwear--and do your best to "entice" him into bed. (Try wandering around in lingerie or even naked after the kids are in bed, and go to bed early. Don't forget to invite him to join you, but don't nag if he doesn't.) Say only good things about him to other people (like your friends and family and his family) so that only positive things get back to him. Make it your mission to NEVER nag him--even when he deserves it--all this is part of the fight.

It sounds a little crazy, doesn't it? But if you get smart and use everything you know to win him back, you will break down the barriers in one way or another. There's a good chance you will win him back, but if you don't, he will be forced to own up to what he is doing and why he is holding back. Then you will at least know what you are dealing with and can decide what to do next.

Oh, but how terrible, how demeaning, what about your pride? (That's going to be the overwheliming response to this strategy). If your pride is too great to dig in for battle, then you've already lost. You can only carry out the plan if you care enough to fight with everything you've got and lay down your pride for a while.

Answer 7

TRY TO COMMUNICATE AT THE SAME LEVEL

UN PLUG THE COMPUTER AND HIDE THE MOUSE AND TELL HIM YOU NEED HIS ATTENTION!

TELL HIM YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR THE NIGHT WITH HIM EVEN JUST FOR A SHORT WALK. DON'T TALK TOO MUCH AND ASK HIM ALL SORTS OF QUESTION AND YOU START ARGUING... ..JUST WALK AND LOOK OUTSIDE JUST ENJOY EACH OTHERS COMPANY...BRING WATER AND HAVE A SHORT PICNIC.>>NO FANCY SNACKS..JUST SIMPLE!

THEN GO FROM THERE.... THEN NEXT TIME.BRING THE BOYS ALONG FOR A SHORT WALK IN THE EVENING....etc etc....

HAVING TWO KIDS IS VERY HARD TRY NOT TO GET STAGNANT! WHEN THE BOYS GET OLDER YOU CAN GO OUT TOGETHER AND DON'T NEED BABYSITTER ETC ETC.
JUST HANG IN THERE MOST MEN ARE NOT ROMANTIC! IF YOU WANT ROMANCE RENT A ROMANTIC MOVIE AND HAVE YOUR OWN ROMANCE WITH OUT HIM! ORDER PIZZA AND WATCH SAPPY MOVIES BY YOURSELF AND BUY YOUR OWN FLOWERS OR CUT THEM FROM YOUR GARDEN!

HANG IN THERE YOU WILL SEE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

IT GETS EASIER AS THE KIDS GETS OLDER..THE FIRST !4 YEARS IS HELL!! SO HANG TIGHT! DON'T BAIL OUT!

Answer 8

I wish I could help, but I went throught the same thing. All I can say is counseling but that is what everyone already knows and how do you get him to counseling if he does not want to go. Try to play like you dont care eigther sometimes that works... Good luck. I know I did not help much but if you need someone to talk to email me [e-mail]

Answer 9

If you still love him, then ask him if he will go to counseling with you. If he won't then maybe you should go to counseling without him. A good counselor should be able to help you figure out what you can do to make it work. Or help you figure out that it won't work. One suggestion though. For the next 2 weeks, out of the blue tell your husband that you love him. Tell him thank you for the things that he does do for you. Example: "Thank you honey for going to work everyday even though you really don't want to." Or, "Thanks for mowing the grass." Etc, and so on. Good luck, and I hope that this helps.

Answer 10

He might be mad that he is in this situation and he really did not want it. But he is there because of the kids? You need to suggest counciling and if he does not want to go or the type to go then you need to let him know that you can not continue living the way that you do.