how do you become famous?

Question

my coisin is 9 she wants to become famous in her childhood and her parents are all for it!

Answer 1

1) Get on that America's Got Talent show.
2) Capture some America most wanted
3) Capture some International/National fugitive
4) Provide leads to the capture of some America Most Wanted
5) Provide leads to the capture of some International/National fugitive(s).
6) Perform some community event that would benefit the whole town.
7) Win a beauty pagent
8) Go to Vegas and do a show
9) Get on Jay Leno's Tonight Show to perform something
10) Get on Last Comic Standing
11) Provide leads to the solving of some murder mystery cases.
12) Provide leads to the finding of some missing persons.
13) Invent something that would greatly benefit the human race
14) Discover a new element (and this element may be named after the discoverer on the Periodic table)
15) Donate a large amount of money to some schools to get the schools named after you.
16) Take a picture with some celebrities and post the picture all over the internet. So, people would wonder who is that person standing right next to the celebrities.
17) Join the national spelling bee contest and win.
18) Sing the national anthem for local sports games
19) Sing in America Idol (not sure about the age restrictions though)
20) Participate in some sports event and be good at it so you can be another "Michelle Wie"
21) Be discovered and sell records
22) Invent medications that would cure some terminal diseases.
23) Win the Nobel Prize

Answer 2

Go on Big brother that takes no talent.........................
I dont agree with parents pushing their kids to be 'Famous' it gives them unreasonable expectations for adult life and causes long term psychological problems.
If she has genuine talent wait untill she is older then let her do something about when she is old enough to know her own mind and not just keep her parents happy.

Answer 3

Go online and find an agency in your area. Give them a call and meet with the and from there they will do the rest.

Answer 4

Become a Serial Murderer....Heinous child molester...OR...get an education and do something for our Country that MATTERS (GAWD!! I dislike such LONG LONG ANSWERS..to me it signifies the person knows NOTHING!!..TALKING thru their nose!!)

Answer 5

she can be a child actor or a model, Im 11 and trying to do the same.

Answer 6

1

Answer 7

to tell u d fact if ur r wat u r then u can be famous. by just trying to be famous so by exposing urself too much u become poplular in negative sense

Answer 8

have some talent and move to hollywood

Answer 9

whats up with being famous???

ok

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*

How To Be Famous

By

John Alejandro King



OK, enough with the hype. Let’s talk seriously about how you can be famous. Because I can tell just by looking at you that you’re the kind of person who really doesn’t go for a lot of hype. Plus which, it’s pretty clear that you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like being told what to do.

At which point I’m strongly tempted to tell you: Refuse to let others tell you what to do.

However, not wishing to insult your intelligence, I shall refrain from telling you to do this.

It’s just another one of those amazing paradoxes that are so typical of our universe today. Really, it’s enough to make a person feel extremely depressed at times.

… Unless, that is, you’re famous! In which case you’re certain to respond to each and every one of these philosophically challenging moments in life with genuine enthusiasm and what successful people like to call ‘real verve.’

Fine then. Let’s get started.

First of all, please be aware that this book isn’t about how to ‘become’ famous. (After all, anybody can become famous). No. This book is about how to be famous … right now!



A note about the structure of this book: As you read this book you may notice that many of the principles in it are numbered (in other words, they’re numbered principles). Please be aware that these principles are not numbered according to their relative importance (each of these principles is approximately of equal importance, at least as far as I can tell). Rather, the principles in this book are numbered – and are presented in exactly the same sequence – as I found them in the secret files (you know, the secret files on how to be famous.)



*

How to be Famous, Principle 91. Imagine if the Soviet Union had never existed. Then all those years I spent at CIA spying on ‘the Soviets,’ boy, would I have been crazy or what?!



How to be Famous, Principle 112. If you told me that if you told me you'd have to kill me, would you have to kill me because you told me that?



How to be Famous, Principle 11. My psychiatrist told me she thinks I have a complex about my mother.

I told her, "You always say that, Mom."



How to be Famous, Principle 1111. Last night my wife told me she wants me to quit drinking.

I said, "Don't I always?"



*

If I'm ever elected President of the United States of America, one of my first acts as Chief Executive will be to have this car engine lifted from my face.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I won't also move immediately to implement policies to end poverty and social injustice, as well as institute sweeping reforms in our nation's education and health care systems. It’s just that, if you're responsible for running the Government of the United States of America, in my opinion it makes sense that you shouldn't be distracted by personal concerns such as, merely to cite one example, having a car engine on your face.

On the other hand, if I'm not elected President - or for that matter if I never seek public office of any kind - I still think I'd like to have this car engine lifted from my face.

In fact, I don't consider it an exaggeration to say that, pretty much whatever happens to me in the future, and especially in the next few nanoseconds of the future, my number one priority is to have this car engine lifted from my face.

Speaking of social justice, some people claim it's tough climbing the corporate ladder if you're a woman or an ethnic minority.

Hey, try climbing the corporate ladder – or even just rising to a standing position – with a car engine lying on your face.

And then there are the environmentalists, who are always telling us to reduce industrial emissions.

Right. Like I'm supposed to reduce industrial emissions when I can't even scratch my nose because there's a car engine lying on my face.

Stupid environmentalists.

I'm glad I brought up the topic of industrial emissions though, because it does remind me of one other thing I’d like in addition to having this car engine lifted from my face. And that is: While I'm waiting for this car engine to be lifted from my face, I'd really appreciate it if someone would take a look around the immediate area and see if they can locate my tongue.

Thanks.





'It's OK, I'm perfectly safe. I read How to be Famous by The Covert Comic.'

- A famous person



*

How to be Famous, Principle 357. If guns were outlawed, only outlaws would accidentally drop their guns into the toilet and then bang their head on the toilet bowl when they bent down to fish the guns out.



How to be Famous, Principle 867. A journalist from Ottawa called and asked me what I thought about Canadian intelligence.

I said I thought it was technically possible.



How to be Famous, Principle 86. If I ask my mom if I have potential, and she says, "Maybe," doesn’t that mean I have potential?



How to be Famous, Principle 19. My grandfather, Israel Willy King, once told me: Happiness isn’t something you ‘experience.’ Happiness is something you ‘never experience.’



*

I believe it should be a federal crime to tell offensive jokes about women.

Furthermore, I think the determination of which jokes are offensive to women should obviously be made by women, rather than by men.

For this reason, I think every potentially offensive joke about women should be published in a large book, and all women everywhere should read this book, you know, so they can collectively determine – as a single, unified female mass – just which jokes about women are offensive.

Oh, and of course, as new potentially offensive jokes about women come into existence, this book should be updated; moreover, all women should be encouraged - and maybe even required (though only by other women) - to read each new update, in order to ensure that the process of determining which jokes are offensive to women remains truly and fully participatory and woman-like.

Therefore, it just seems to naturally follow that every woman should be legally required to read this book of potentially offensive jokes about women for (let's say) six hours a day, seven days a week.

In this way I’m confident that the ongoing advancement of women toward real and meaningful social, political and economic empowerment shall continue. Hopefully forever.

You're welcome, America.



*

How to be Famous, Principle 102. I hear they’re going to start letting female CIA employees breast feed at CIA Headquarters. Although why these women can’t drink milk from a carton like the rest of us, I don’t know.



How to be Famous, Principle 411. I hate it when people make judgements without knowing all the facts. Like when the CIA psychiatrist says I have a serious personality disorder, and she doesn’t even know how to properly skin a human carcass.



How to be Famous, Principle 37. They say you should always wear a condom, but I’ve noticed that after about three weeks it starts feeling itchy.



How to be Famous, Principle 498. When you wish upon a star, I bet what you wish is, "I wish I wasn’t standing here on this white-hot star."



How to be Famous, Principle 648. On one hand, I think it's bad if I hear voices in my head. On the other hand I think, 'Yeah, but who's that telling me this right now?'



*

You May Already Be Famous And Not Know It!



It’s true! Take my brother, for instance. He’s famous, and he doesn’t even know it! Or my uncle Chico. Yep, that’s right, my good ol’ uncle Chico is also famous, and he hasn’t the slightest inkling of this fact.

This is one reason it’s so incredibly important to know how to be famous. I mean, just imagine how foolish you would feel if you spent years and years trying to become famous, only to find out (maybe toward the end of your life when you were old and disgusting) that you had been famous the whole time and didn’t even know it! Talk about embarrassing!

When learning how to be famous, it’s often valuable to read case studies of other people who are famous. Take, for example, the following case study about a man (let’s call this person ‘Jesus Christ,’ or ‘Jesus’ for short) who’s known throughout the world today, and whose life has been an inspiration to millions.

For those who haven’t heard of him, Jesus was born the son of a simple carpenter in the Middle East about two thousand years ago. By all accounts Jesus never received a formal university education; what's more, he grew up in what people today would consider impoverished circumstances. Nevertheless, despite these humble beginnings, before he was thirty-five Jesus had become a highly successful religious prophet. In fact, he’s so famous today that millions of people around the world actually pray to him! But the road to success wasn’t an easy one for Jesus. No, in order to achieve his goals, Jesus had to work hard and make plenty of sacrifices.

Like many a famous person, Jesus’ early attempts at success were often anything but fruitful. For instance, on several occasions when he tried to preach in local churches the congregation threatened to kill him. Not exactly an encouraging start! However, instead of giving up Jesus did something that all famous people are, well, famous for: if at first he didn’t succeed, Jesus would try, try again.

According to the Old Testament (a famous religious document), even God sometimes wonders to himself what he should do in order to achieve his objectives (Genesis 18, 17-19). Being a determined sort of fellow (and obviously very righteous and upstanding), it’s therefore hardly surprising that our young friend Jesus would often reflect on ways to attain his goals. As a result of this rigorous mental effort, early in his career Jesus figured out a principle that would later become a trademark of his work, a principle that every famous person understands today: publicity. You see, in order for the public to be aware of what it is you’re doing (an important part of being famous), you have to say and do things that grab people’s attention.

To gain publicity for himself, one of the first ideas Jesus hit upon was healing. Everyone knows that physical health is an important part of a person’s overall happiness and well being. Therefore it just makes sense that someone who’s able to provide miraculous cures for serious medical problems is going to attract considerable attention among the public. Two thousand years ago, before the advent of modern medicine with its many wonder drugs, there were a lot of sick people. Here was an area, Jesus realized, where he could provide a valuable service and generate lots of publicity for himself at the same time. So Jesus set about healing people who were ill by touching them, taking the opportunity to share some of his religious ideas with them and with their friends and loved ones. It wasn’t long before Jesus realized that, the more serious the illnesses he cured, the more impressed people would be with him. As a result Jesus brought several dead people back to life. Needless to say, the name of Jesus began to spread quickly.

After this Jesus came up with another great idea for generating publicity: free food. Every successful promoter understands that if you want to get a lot of people to show up for an event, nothing beats offering them a complimentary meal. The concept of ‘Happy Hour’ in bars is based on this very same idea. Recognizing the value of free food, Jesus on several occasions invited thousands of people to hear him share his religious teaching. When the people got hungry, Jesus would pray to God and food would appear, enough for everyone to eat as much as they wanted.

Of course, every ad man and ad woman will tell you that the ultimate promotion is to give money away. Being an enterprising publicist and an original thinker, Jesus came up with a highly creative variation on this theme: Don’t just give people free money; give them free money in interesting and imaginative ways, ways that will make them talk about you and/or your product. For instance, when some of Jesus’ followers needed cash to pay taxes, he told them to go to the ocean, catch a fish, and look inside its mouth. When they did this Jesus’ followers found a valuable coin inside!

Not everything Jesus did in his efforts to gain favorable publicity was successful. Some of his actions and statements were controversial, while others were for the most part ignored. For instance, during an important religious festival Jesus reportedly walked into the main church in his capital city and deliberately knocked over several tables containing religious items which, by tradition, were sold to pilgrims. As a result of this action Jesus received a lot of criticism. In addition, Jesus frequently tried to promote the idea that every desirable thing a religion promises is already in each person’s possession, and that any person can be one with God Himself, if that person is happy and practices kindness toward others. An interesting concept, to be sure, but it never really caught on. Nevertheless, in spite of these occasional failures and setbacks, Jesus persevered.

Jesus’ dedication was never more in evidence than when he was arrested for blasphemy (a pretty ironic charge, given that today Jesus is widely recognized as a true prophet of God!). Sadly, in accordance with the practice of his era, Jesus was tortured and killed. (I’m glad I brought this fact up though, because it reminds me of another important principle about being famous, namely, that fame has its price.)

But that’s not the end of the story for our friend Jesus! You see, following his execution Jesus came back to life and made many public appearances, sharing his teaching and performing all sorts of miracles in front of large and highly appreciative audiences. And shortly after this, in front of a huge crowd of cheering people, Jesus rose straight up to heaven. Not bad for the son of a carpenter!

As a result of his hard work, Jesus’ teaching is now included in the Bible, the best selling book of all time! Today there are thousands of organizations around the world dedicated to promoting the ideas of Jesus. Just one of these organizations, the Roman Catholic Church, has over a billion members, and its annual budget is estimated at several hundred billion dollars.

At this point you may be asking yourself, ‘Can I, an ordinary person, ever hope to experience the kind of fame Jesus did?’

The answer, according to Jesus himself, is … yes!

In fact, Jesus teaches that anybody who faithfully employs his method is sure to accomplish all the things he has, and even more! (John 14, 12)

‘You can look it up,’ as they say.





'Thanks to reading Covert Comic, I am famous girl now.'

- A famous person



*

How to be Famous, Principle 80. You know what's ironic? When you tell someone you're a serial killer, and they laugh because they think you're joking, but you're telling the truth. I mean, is that ironic or what?



How to be Famous, Principle 746. There are some things you just can’t teach. For example, teaching kindergarten students how to have oral sex. Sorry, but according to Federal Law you can’t teach that.



How to be Famous, Principle 930. Here's a little tip on etiquette I learned from personal experience recently: Before you complement a transvestite on their choice of wardrobe and use of makeup, make sure the person really is a transvestite.



How to be Famous, Principle 721. You know how they say, 'Much madness is divinest sense?' Well, now that I’ve killed and buried them, they won’t be saying that anymore.



How to be Famous, Principle 187. I’d love to change the world, but I can’t find a big enough diaper.



*

Now, I appreciate the problem of crime – and the corresponding loss of that sacred sense of community that used to typify our society – every bit as much as the next organism. Nevertheless, I have to admit I’m frankly amazed by those people who, when talking about this subject, declare, 'Where I come from, we used to leave our front doors unlocked at night.'

When they tell me this I always reply, "So where you come from, if I was your neighbor I could come over to your house, open the front door, walk right in, and watch you and your spouse having sex, is that what you’re saying?"

They always answer, 'No, you wouldn’t do that because, being a good neighbor, you’d honor our privacy in such a special moment.'

To which I respond, "Hey, how would I know it was a special moment unless I walked into your house and saw you and your spouse having sex?"

Then they say, 'Well, if you saw us embracing, or gazing meaningfully into each other’s eyes, you would know enough to leave us alone.'

Then I say, "Whoa! Time out! Wait just a minute here! Just because you embrace someone or gaze meaningfully into that person’s eyes doesn’t mean you’re actually going to have sexual intercourse with that person."

Then they say, 'Well, all right. I guess you could stay for the first few minutes of coitus, as long as you left before we actually climaxed.'

God, those people are idiots.



*

How to be Famous, Principle 99. It would be cool if Jackie Chan lived at your house, because you could watch him come downstairs a different way every morning.



How to be Famous, Principle 299. If men had clitorises, I bet they’d view the world a lot differently. For example, if men had clitorises, instead of thinking: 'I wish women would suck my penis,' I bet men would think: 'I wish women would suck my clitorises.'



How to be Famous, Principle 2008. The last day of camp, Jim pulled me aside and commended me for the work I had done that summer - not only on the ranch, but on myself. I looked down, kicked some pebbles and said, "I never could have done it without your help isolating those restriction endonucleases, and showing me how to use ligases to join together the strands of my newly recombined DNA." Then I guess I got too embarrassed to talk any more, so I flapped my ganglia and bounded over to the bus. But I could tell by the look on several of his faces, that Jim understood.



How to be Famous, Principle 799. '9/11' upside down is '11/6.' Think about it, America.



*

Do you believe in the supernatural?

If you want to know how to be famous, I strongly recommend it.

Now, I’m not saying you can’t also believe in stuff like induction based on the application of logico-quantitative analysis of empirical observation. And I’m not saying you can’t cultivate a healthy sense of skepticism toward claims of the utterly miraculous. It’s just that, if you want to know how to be famous, or even if you just want to live well (did I mention that these two things are the same in an empirically verifiable way?) then it’s definitely a good idea, even as you cultivate a healthy sense of skepticism toward the utterly miraculous, to actually believe in the utterly miraculous at the same time.

A case in point (at least I think it’s a case in point. And remember, I know how to be famous):

One time when I was seventeen and driving to school, I came screaming down an overpass in my jalopy and, finding several cars stopped at a green light about twenty meters in front of me (I had seen the green light while coming over the hill and had stupidly concluded that the cars must have all started moving forward) immediately and desperately slammed on my brakes. The brakes to my badly worn tires. In the very old car I was driving at 60 miles per hour in a 35 miles per hour zone. In the rain.

Need I say that I proceeded to go into a spin and plowed straight into the stopped cars in front of me? Probably I don’t need to say this, because even though I definitely went into a spin, and even though I definitely was hurtling straight into the rear of those cars in front of me, I never got there. You see, even as I realized (and I’m very good at calculating time and space) that a violent contact was absolutely unavoidable, and even as I thought desperately to myself, "I don’t want this to happen!"

… It didn’t happen.

Instead, what happened was that my car spun violently around one and a half times, and came to a stop. It came to a stop facing the wrong way on a famously busy street during morning rush hour. And at that moment on that famously busy street during morning rush hour, there wasn’t another car in sight. In either direction. And yes, all the cars that had been sitting at the stop light were gone.

What did I do about this? Well, I re-started the ignition (the car had stalled during the spin), I turned that old clunker around so it was facing in the proper direction (still with no cars anywhere around me on that famously busy street during morning rush hour), and drove on to school.

When I was seventeen, being a true adolescent, I believed the only things that were real were things that could be physically demonstrated. And here I think I’ll give myself some credit because, when I reflected that morning on what had happened, I accepted the undeniable truth, which truth I had just seen physically demonstrated, that the 'laws' of physics can be violated.

Now folks, I readily admit the theoretical, highly speculative possibility that I hallucinated this whole incident (although I was not under the influence of any mind-altering substance at the time, and in fact had never been under the influence of any mind altering substance – note that I’m not counting being seventeen as a mind-altering substance). But in all honesty I must say that I consider the possibility of hallucination in this case extremely remote. I mean, I was driving to my high school, for God’s sake! What’s more, the rest of the day (and the rest of my life, for a long time at least) went on completely normally. In other words, I didn’t hallucinate any of it.

But wait! That’s not the end of the story.

Almost ten years later (and really, pretty close to ten years later to the minute), I was driving home one night from CIA. Again it was rush hour (evening rush hour this time). Again it was on a very busy street. Again it was raining. What happened this time though, was that some young guy just in front of me in the lane to my right suddenly decided to make a U-turn. Yes, I’m talking about a U-turn from the far right lane.

When the genius made his move I remember shouting out an obscenity. I also remember thinking – in what must have been an amazingly short time interval – two things: 1. According to the laws of physics there was no way to prevent my car from hitting his, and 2. It was my duty to at least try to avoid a collision (I mean, I was about to plow directly into the driver’s side, which meant this guy could be in serious, serious trouble).

I think you can guess what happened. That’s right. Just like before, I went into a spin, just like before my car (which in this case was virtually brand new) stalled, and just like before I came to rest facing the wrong direction on a famously busy street, during rush hour, in the rain. And just like before there were no cars in sight (although shortly afterward I did see a woman come driving up the street in the opposite direction, apparently unaware of what had just happened). The guy whose life I had just saved? He was gone too.

Alas, I fear the written word cannot sufficiently express how fast I had the above two thoughts and then slammed on my brakes. I mean, I felt as if I was doing something that, although technically not impossible, was extraordinary for a human organism. Really, there just shouldn’t have been enough time for me, or anyone else on this great planet of ours, to avoid a potentially fatal collision. And yet, that’s precisely what occurred.

Here again, I’ll allow the theoretical possibility that this incident didn’t actually happen, that I either hallucinated it or am just lying to myself (and/or to you) right now. But again I must affirm that, realistically, it just ain’t so; this latter event, like the one before it, definitely and truly took place, and it definitely and truly violated the laws of physics as we 'know' them.

Oh, by the way, ten years after this second event, I didn’t (thank God) have yet another interesting ‘car interlude.’ And now that I’m married and have kids, I hope I don’t ever. And please don’t bother with the jokes about not wanting to be in a car when I’m the driver. Because the fact is I drive quite safely, thank you very much.

You know, I’m really glad I wrote all this down. I actually meant to do so in several of my previous works, but never got around to it. Indeed, now that I’ve finally recounted this amazing pair of events in my life, I’m frankly pleased that I waited until this book, How to be Famous, to do it. I mean, it just feels right that this information should be in a book about how to be famous.

What? What’s that? My explanation of these events? Hmmm. Well, one thought I’ve had when trying to understand these events is that perhaps life-forms exist (we might call these life-forms ‘angels,’ it’s a word I just now made up – only kidding) who have the ability to perceive people’s thoughts and alter space and time for what, hopefully, are good purposes.

So, for example, these beings might actually have heard my anguished mental cry when I was seventeen (you know, when I thought to myself, "I don’t want this to happen!") and then somehow manipulated space and time in such a way that an otherwise physically unavoidable process – the car crash I was about to cause – was prevented.

As for the second incident, I have long imagined (though I didn’t have this thought immediately after the fact, but only some days or weeks later) that perhaps these ‘angels’ needed someone to help save that other person from creating a similarly disastrous situation, and that – perhaps because I had been the recipient of their aid ten years earlier – I should be placed in that specific location, at that specific moment. To sort of ‘repay’ the alteration of space and time, that is, to ‘even things up’ if you will (or even if you won’t).

Which raises the question: What if I hadn’t decided, in that crucial fraction of a second, to do the right thing and try to prevent the collision? Other questions: Whatever happened to that guy whose butt I saved? And whatever happened to those people whose butts were saved from me when I was seventeen? And for that matter, whatever happened to me? I think I know the answers to at least some of these questions. But for others, the last chapter has yet to be written.

You know how, for thousands and thousands of years, humans were effectively unaware that electricity was and is a totally natural aspect of the universe, something that’s real, demonstrable, quantifiable, predictable, etc.? Well, I have a very strong suspicion that there are other, totally natural, aspects of the universe that we as yet do not understand and may only be partially aware of. Right now we may be calling these things ‘angels’ or ‘noise in the data’ or ‘quantum strangeness,’ or something else. In the future though, we may come to the realization that these things are part of the objective, measurable material universe. And if we do, we’ll no doubt laugh (though hopefully not in an obnoxious, irritating fashion) at people in previous generations who ‘actually disbelieved in angels!’

What does all this have to do with being famous? Well, if there are angels watching us all the time and observing our every action and innermost thoughts, then I dare say being famous is a whole lot easier than many of us currently imagine. Indeed, under these circumstances one might be tempted to write a book called How Not to be Famous, since to not be famous is clearly a much greater challenge than to be famous. But I personally think writing such a book wouldn't be a good idea.

In any case, recognizing that this last discourse of mine was longer than most, I’d like to congratulate – and thank – the reader for having the patience to read it through to its conclusion. Furthermore, I hope you’ve gained (or will gain, as the years roll on and you look back and reflect over the truths you read here) some useful insights from your literary exertion. But if you don’t feel this last section was very valuable, then I exhort you: Don’t give up! Keep on reading! The best is yet to come!

In other words, as it is with life, so it is with this book. Which brings to mind yet another interesting conception, namely, that in a very real sense this book, and living, are one and the same thing.

And yes, to be aware of this truth is a big part of knowing how to be famous. Thanks!





There are many ways to be famous.



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How to be Famous, Principle 990. The way to become famous fast is to throw a brick at someone who's famous.

- Walter Winchell



How to be Famous, Principle 990a. The way to stay famous is to throw a brick at someone who's famous, and hit them.

- The Covert Comic



How to be Famous, Principle 1057. People say you're treated differently when you're a woman or a minority. I disagree. I mean, I definitely don't feel I'm treated differently when I'm a woman or a minority.



How to be Famous, Principle 106. Living on the street isn’t easy. In fact, given that the sidewalk is so close, living on the street is frankly kind of stupid.



How to be Famous, Principle 611. Remember when people used to be afraid that computers were going to take over the world? We now know, of course, that computers can’t even function unless they supply us with food, clothing and shelter.



How to be Famous, Principle 74. Thursday at CIA I single-handedly prevented the overthrow of a democratically elected foreign government.

I called in sick that day.



*

I’m convinced society is looking at the problem of dyslexia completely backwards.

… Heh heh …

I’d like to thank that reader in Uzbekistan for laughing at this joke.

Which reminds me: If you’re interested in being famous, or even if you aren't, here’s a fact you ought to know about: new studies indicate that it can be very valuable to have a well-organized mind.

One method for having a well-organized mind is to keep a list of what I like to call ‘mental notes.’ A mental note is a kind of reminder to one self to do something good or, alternatively, to refrain from doing something bad.

The following are a few examples of mental notes I’ve made to myself, some of which clearly have a lot to do with being famous.



1. Mental Note: Stop gripping this white-hot steel rod with my bare hands.

Do this as soon as possible.



2. Mental Note: Talk to my wife about getting breast implants. Reassure my wife that I'll still love her whether she lets me get breast implants or not.



3. Mental Note: To help my kids improve their concentration, look into sending them to concentration camp.



4. Mental Note: Ask not what my country can do for me, ask what I can do for my country.

Sub-Mental Note: Ask what my country is.



5. Mental Note: Find out about this person called 'Noh Won.' People tell me he can help me with my problems.



6. Mental Note: Potential solution to the problem of dolphins accidentally being killed by tuna fishermen: Have the tuna fishermen become dolphin fishermen. That way, if the dolphin fishermen accidentally kill tuna, it’ll be all right because, hey, we can always eat the tuna.



7. Mental Note: Remember, when I finally become wise, to stop doing things that are stupid.



8. Mental Note: The next time I'm in England, ask people if I look more like a chap, or a bloke.



9. Mental Note: In the highly unlikely event I’m ever asked to speak at a conference on animal rights and feminism again, don’t raise my fist in the air and shout, 'Women’s rights are animal rights!'



10. Mental Note: Start writing down all my mental notes, otherwise I’ll forget them.

Start later today.





It's also important to know how not to be famous.



*

When I was a kid, the nun in Catechism told us sin is forgiven.

I thought she said, 'Sin is for givin'.'

For a while there when I was a kid, I had a heck of a lot of fun.

Speaking of kids, if you have children, or if it’s possible you might have children at some point in the future, you should be aware that a critical element of true fame – and I’m talking here about being the kind of famous person other people can look up to – is the practice of good parenting.

In this context I’d like to offer the following advice on becoming a good, no, make that a great, father.



Five Steps to Becoming a Great Father

Step One: Find a fertile woman.

Step Two: Get her drunk.

Step Three: … Uh, you know.

Step Four: Wait about nine months.

Step Five: Some other stuff.

Seriously though, on the subject of parenting I do wish to echo what many others have pointed out, namely, that becoming a parent constitutes a major life change. In my own case, for example, becoming a parent has definitely made me a stronger person. Now that my wife and I have children, I spend a lot more time down at the gym lifting weights.

Thank you!



*

How to be Famous, Principle 612. The other day I heard someone claim Americans aren't a gullible people, and I just smiled. Americans not gullible - talk about wonderful news!



How to be Famous, Principle 17. Reach for the stars. But whatever you do, don’t actually touch one with your hand (they’re hot!).



How to be Famous, Principle 2003. Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.

... But not me!

WOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let the above be a guiding principle in your life, and you’ll be famous. I guarantee it.



*

One other quick thought about being famous:

As you know, this book costs six hundred thousand dollars (and that doesn’t even include sales tax, where applicable). At the time of this writing, six hundred thousand dollars is an extraordinary sum of money. To give you an idea of just how extraordinary, a typical price for a fairly expensive best-selling hardcover book is, at the time of this writing, less than thirty dollars. Furthermore, paperbacks – as well as that small number of hardcover books that fail to become best-sellers – cost much, much less.

Now, I want you to think for a moment about how difficult it was for you to obtain this book.

Seriously, think about it. Are you thinking about it?

… Do you see how to be famous yet?





Famous people love The Covert Comic.



*

For some reason, I rarely get 'writers' block.' And I definitely don't have it right now. I guess the point is, the following story, which concludes a little earlier than I had wanted it to (I had intended for it to be about two hundred fifty pages in length) could be considered an example of 'writers' block.' Luckily, however, it isn't.



A High Wind in Orion

By

John Alejandro King

You probably know most of the story already. About how, in the year 7042 of the Unified Energy Beam, the civilized universe was amazed to find itself on the brink of war for the first time in modern memory. And you probably read all the mind-scans about how, in desperation, the Space Muslims turned to that most notorious of wormhole mercenaries - yep, old Three Million Eyes himself - Frank Smith.

But what you probably don't know (because, unless you had the right spirit clearances, you probably couldn't know it) is that the moment those cosmic diaper-heads handed Frank Smith the codes to their time driver, the prophecies of the ancients were as good as fulfilled. That's right, chigaboo, I'm talking the end of all matter everywhere.

What? What's that you say? The universe couldn't possibly have ended because otherwise you wouldn't be reading these words?

They say everybody believes in something. If you want to believe that objective reality still exists, it's OK by me. But if by chance some balmy evening, when you're sitting at your computer dressed in your sheerest crimson negligee, you look down and out of the corner of your eye you notice that smooth, plump calf of yours flickering ever so slightly in the space-time continuum, well, don't say I didn't warn you, cupcake ...

What does the above story have to do with being famous? Well, how the heck are you supposed to be famous if you don't even know whether or not reality exists?!



*

How to be Famous, Principle 331. Spy like no one's watching. Undergo interrogation like it's never going to hurt.



How to be Famous, Principle 807. When I walk backwards, it feels like I'm helping everyone else move forward faster.



How to be Famous, Principle 627. Fat people take up more space, but less time.



How to be Famous, Principle 1960. The thing I remember most about Grandma's old Bible, with its leathery cover, tattered spine and frayed edges, was that it looked a lot like Grandma.



How to be Famous, Principle 91. The perfect male prophylactic isn’t the condom. The perfect male prophylactic is the ‘relationship.’



*

In order to be famous, it’s helpful to have at least a passing acquaintance with the basic principles of relativistic physics. When watching sitcoms on television, for example, you’ve probably noticed that the most successful comedians invariably refer to concepts like the increased mass of a particle moving at near-light speeds. In addition to being incredibly funny, these truths of Einsteinian physics are just naturally interesting to most people.

It all reminds me of the following limerick about time travel (and yes, reciting this limerick will indeed make you famous, especially if you recite it over and over again. Preferably with a megaphone, maybe while standing outside a television station. Completely naked).



There once was a man who time traveled

And as a result, time unraveled

This concerned him so much that

He traveled time such that

There never was a man who time traveled



*

How to be Famous, Principle 214. Only join a religion if it has a good waterslide.



*

The other evening while working at my computer, I was reading about alcoholism and how to live with a person who's alcoholic. And yes, I admit I was slightly happy at the time.

When I awoke the next morning, I slowly crawled up onto my chair and discovered, to my immeasurable delight, that I had somehow created the following document.



Living with Boobs

By

John Alejandro King

Many people have a secret. The secret is that they live with boobs. While most people experience some degree of stress in their lives, people who live with boobs experience extra stress. Boobs are a problem that can affect lives and tear apart relationships. While the person living with boobs may love those boobs, they do not necessarily love the boobs’ behavior. Often boobs are emotionally or physically abusive to others in the household. Sometimes boobs get violent, or they do embarrassing things in public.

If you live with boobs, it’s important to know you’re not alone. Remember that the only one [technically, the only two] who can change boobs’ behavior is boobs themselves. Denying the problem or covering up for boobs does not help at all. All it does is encourage boobs to continue their behavior.

Most communities have organizations for people living with boobs. Talking to a trusted person can help. Make an appointment with your nurse, counselor, healthcare provider, or religious leader. Talk to them and get their advice on living with boobs.

One problem that many people living with boobs experience is denial, in other words, pretending to others, or to one self, that ‘there are no boobs in this house.’ In the beginning, denial may take the form of excuses given to bosses, colleagues, or friends about the boobs’ behavior. Spouses may lie or cover up for the boobs’ behavior.

This pattern of denial and ‘enabling’ may become so entrenched that family members often lose their own perspective. Boobs may make promises to change their behavior; these attempts usually fail. The spouse may feel suspicion, anger, and despair, while the boobs may feel like a failure [or, alternatively, they may simply have a great time being boobs]. As a result, the environment of the home can become a very difficult one; this is why problems with boobs are sometimes referred to as a 'disease’ [the ‘boobs disease’].

The most helpful thing a spouse, family member, or friend can do for boobs is to stop enabling them, and help them admit that they have a problem. For more information about living with boobs, contact your health care provider. Ask him/her/it about living with boobs.

*

How to be Famous, Principle 4012. If I don’t believe in solipsism, who will?



*

On Halloween night, a millenium ago, when I was thirteen years old and running wild in the streets with my fellow terrorists, I snatched a little girl's candy bag.

Not only that, I took her candy out of the bag, and I ate it.

Oh, I choked on that candy alright - even whimpered faintly - as I crouched in the bushes munching with my terrorist buddies (my whimpering was as if to say, 'I'm doing bad stuff because I'm a poor misunderstood young terrorist').

A millenium later, I'm still choking on that little girl's candy. At least once a month. And usually (and increasingly) several times a week.

... Ever notice that celebrities, pretty much by definition, are incapable of hiding their personal scandals?

How to be Famous, Principle Infinity. We're all celebrities, and the camera light is on us all the time.



*

How to be Famous, Principle 11.9. Somewhere near the top of the list of human foibles would have to be the decision to name them 'foibles.'



*

When I was eight years old I went with my family to the park one Saturday in the summer.

I remember walking around by myself, sometimes through the dark, cool green of the forest, other times in the hot, sunny open spaces, just looking at everything.

At one point I came to a play area, you know, the kind with sand and swings and teeter-totters and a big jungle-jim. From the clearing where I was standing I could see a bunch of kids – mostly five or six years old – climbing single file through one of those rows of steel rings that hang about four feet off the ground.

As I looked I noticed that the last kid in the line was a little boy about three years of age. He was following the other, older kids and somehow had managed to climb up the steps of the apparatus and swing himself out onto the first ring. The problem was, the little guy’s arms were too short for him to grab the next ring, and his legs were too short for him to get back to the steps. The only way out was to drop to the ground, but from his perspective this was clearly a fall unto death; the poor little kid was terrified.

Now the other children had all finished going through the rings and had run off to climb the next apparatus, completely oblivious to the little boy’s plight. Meanwhile the little guy just hung there, whimpering softly.

So I walked up behind him, gently put my arms around his waist, and whispered into his ear, "Let go."

He let go. I carefully set him down on the ground, and he immediately ran off after the other kids.

He never even looked back to see who had helped him. For all he knew, it was God.

I turned and started walking away. At that moment I noticed my father (who has Spanish blood) standing among the trees. He had witnessed the whole thing.

My pop (who has Spanish blood) nodded at me and said, "You’re a good kid."

I just shrugged and said, "Well, you know."

Do you see the fame, shooting out like light in every direction?

Don’t lie. You see it. You know that light like you know yourself.



*

How to be Famous, Principle 47. A man from the FBI who doesn't like my writing told me: "If I were you, I’d watch my back."

I said: "If you were me, wouldn’t that mean you’d be watching your front?"





'We read How to be Famous by The Covert Comic, and look how well we're doing!'

- Many famous persons



*

I remember, on the first anniversary of my EOD (entering on duty) with the Agency, my branch chief called me into his office and said, "So tell me, what questions do you have now that you’ve been at CIA for a year?"

I said, "Where are the bathrooms?"



When I die, I respectfully request that the following epitaph be written on my tombstone:

Reports of my death have not been greatly exaggerated.



Time passes so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I was in diapers at my mother’s breast.

But actually it was last Saturday night.

… Heh, heh. I’d like to thank the reader in Baluchistan for laughing at that joke.



Honestly though, when I look back on my life up to now, I can honestly say:

It’s been a heck of a ride, though I think I probably would have enjoyed it more if I had been the rider.



Well, I flipped a coin, and here’s how this book ends.

Research has shown that, in order to do something successfully, it often helps to have at least some idea of what it is you’re doing. And so it is with fame. Hence, if you want to know how to be famous it just makes sense that you should ask yourself what fame is. In other words, you must ask this question:

What does it mean to be famous?

The answer to this question, perhaps not surprisingly, is found in the concept of light.

For where is there fame without light?

After all, how can you be famous if nobody sees you?

And how can anyone see you, unless you’re standing in the light?

Moreover, how can you be seen unless there’s light coming from you?



A person who’s famous once remarked, 'No one lights a lamp in order to hide it in a box.'

Yet even if a light is hidden in a box, while it burns it illuminates everything inside it.

But a light hidden inside a box will soon be smothered and go out, unless it burns through the box, and outward in every direction.

And yes, that person who’s famous is well aware of the implications of this idea.



You have to admit, America is one hell of a country. (And remember, I work for the Government, so you know I love America.)

In America, we comedians have a concept called 'dying.' To 'die,' for American comedians, means to perform one’s comedy in front of an audience and get little or no laughs.

... Not like what I'm doing right now, of course.

Another concept in American comedy is that which is sometimes called the Light. According to numerous comedians in the US (particularly those US comedians with security clearances), when a comedian dies, that person leaves their body and rises above the stage and the audience. Many comedians who leave their bodies report a sense of heightened awareness and exhilaration while this is happening, though many others say the initial experience of being out of their body is somewhat disorienting – sort of like being in Canada. One comedian I spoke to likened being out of his body to that momentary sense of helplessness one gets when flying through the air after slipping on a banana peel.

In any case, some time after leaving his/her/its body, a comedian usually begins to sense the presence of an all-knowing, all-loving light. These comics invariably report that the Light understands all their jokes and considers their material to be extremely funny and innovative. Moreover, the Light assures them that it isn’t just saying this to make them feel better.

At this point in the process of dying, comedians usually experience what is referred to as a ‘career review.’ During the career review the Light shows the comedian his/her/its entire career, often making friendly, non-judgmental suggestions on how the comedian might improve his/her/its material. Many comedians report that this experience helps them appreciate that any joke – no matter how sappy or obnoxious – is funny if you tell it in a spirit of friendly, good-natured prankishness.

Following the career review, comedians invariably find themselves being drawn toward the Light. Most comedians insist that they want to go into the Light and stay there, but that the Light tells them they must return to their bodies and complete their performance. Almost immediately after this, comedians suddenly find themselves back on stage, in front of a completely mystified – and often very hostile – audience. However, inspired and strengthened by their encounter with the Light, these comedians are able to complete their performance, and even win over the audience on occasion, or at least feel better about being booed out of the room.



I once told the following joke during an intelligence briefing at CIA:

I gave a foreign agent a bottle of invisible ink for doing secret writing.

He said, "This bottle looks empty."

I said, "Well obviously …"

Thanks to the Light, it barely hurt at all.



How to be famous?

To ask this question is to ask: How to be in the light?

How to be famous?

To ask this question is to ask: How to spread light in every direction?

Who isn’t in the light? Who doesn’t the Light shine on?

Who isn’t giving off light? Who doesn’t the Light see?

So the truly famous ask: Who isn’t famous, already?



*

Now, if you’re thinking: 'Wait a minute - I pay 600,000 dollars for a book that promises to help me be famous, and all I get for my money are some weird jokes and spiritual principles?! That’s it, I’m sending this thing back and demanding a full refund!', then I have a couple of thoughts to share with you, my friend.

First of all: You’re obviously famous, and it’s obviously a direct result of reading this book. After all, you’re in this book, which is a famous book ... and what's more, you’re in this book precisely because you read it, OK?

Second of all: Sorry, no refunds.

If the above comments fail to satisfy you, then I suggest you hire a lawyer and sue me. Then you’ll be famous for sure. (And you’ll probably lose your lawsuit for that very reason, by the way. Think about it, cupcake.)



*

In closing, here are a few more principles on how to be famous (which, let’s face it, are really nothing more than jokes, even if I did find them in the secret intelligence files).



How to be Famous, Principle 16.21: Shakespeare said: "Brevity is the soul of wit."

I say: It would have been wittier if he had said: 'Brvslwt.'



How to be Famous, Principle 16.22: Before you go marching up to the roof with a rifle like the voices in your head are commanding you to, ask a few questions first ... like: 'Should I bring ammunition?'



How to be Famous, Principle 16.24. "What makes you think the whole world revolves around you?!" my mother said, as I slowly rotated to maintain eye contact.



How to be Famous, Principle 16.25. Polysyllabic words may not be proof of intelligence, but intelligence is definitely proof of polysyllabic words.



How to be Famous, Principle 16.26. It's not a euphemism, it's a positively connoting re-characterization.



How to be Famous, Principle 16.27. Sometimes you just have to kick off your shoes, toss away those stuffy work clothes, and start dancing.

Like right now, when I'm pointing my gun at you.



How to be Famous, Principle 16.28. They say Washington DC is filled with beautiful, intelligent young women looking for husbands.

... Hey, I’m a husband.



How to be Famous, Principle 16.29. Now, I’m not necessarily advocating this, but consider: If a celebrity gives you their autograph, and right after that you kill them, just think how valuable that autograph will be.



How to be Famous, Principle 16.30. I used to wonder: How come you never see people on TV taking a crap?

Then one day I thought: How do I know they're not taking a crap?



How to be Famous, Principle 16.31. Every problem I create is potentially a solution to some other problem.



How to be Famous, Principle 16.32. Who's more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him? Answer: the fool.



How to be Famous, Principle 16.33. The Genocide Defense: I couldn't possibly have violated Security and Exchange Commission rules on insider trading, because I was busy committing genocide at the time.



How to be Famous, Principle 16.34. Last night my wife asked me if I believe in out-of-body experiences.

I said yes.

She said: "Then stay the hell out of my body."



How to be Famous, Principle 16.35. If the shoe fits, aren't you already wearing it?



How to be Famous, Principle 16.36. Sure, being mediocre isn't that great, but it's not that bad either.



How to be Famous, Principle 16.37. A Zen master told me: "To know everything is to know nothing."

I said: "Why did you have to tell me that?"



How to be Famous, Principle 16.38. If you're really a pessimist, you suspect your own pessimistic theories will sooner or later turn out to be wrong.

Therefore, if you're really a pessimist ...you're an optimist!

So for heaven’s sake, please be pessimistic, OK?

Thanks, and enjoy being famous!