How do you explain to a 12 year old girl that her choice of wardrobe is going to get her raped?

Question

She is my almost-stepdaughter, which means I have no jurisdiction over her and cannot make rules about her clothing...how can I gently convince her to cover up? And incidently, I'm not some prude gasping that her shorts are above her knee- I'm talking about two inches of bra (which is a lot on a 12yo) showing above her tank top, I'm talking about panty lace hanging out of her shorts.

She is my almost-stepdaughter, which means I have no jurisdiction over her and cannot make rules about her clothing...how can I gently convince her to cover up? And incidently, I'm not some prude gasping that her shorts are above her knee- I'm talking about two inches of bra (which is a lot on a 12yo) showing above her tank top, I'm talking about panty lace hanging out of her shorts

Also her mom allows her to wear these clothes, buys them for her and encourages her. Would be relevant to mention that on the day in question her dad was gone when she got up and dressed for the day. Also as she is in dance she is used to wearing stage makeup and showy costumes- she seems to be trying to make her off-stage costumes upstage her on0stage.

Answer 1

wheres her father.......????????

Answer 2

This is a rough one. But let me tell you, the best way for you to handle this is first to discuss with your 'husband to be'. You want to make sure he is included in your thoughts about his daughter's clothing. Second, you want to establish a line of communication with her 'mother' if at all possible. Step moms can have such a bad reputation and if the total package is not on board - you can bet there will be issues - and many times, something as innocent as your thoughts about 'her' clothing, will start the flames of an up and coming forest fire. Third, you have to be gentle about approaching the subject - especially if the mother has allowed this code of conduct in her dress. The issue will be "who are you to tell me what I can wear" and without some healthy conversations, you won't get support from her mom either. Four, take it slowly. Take her shopping and allow the attendant to 'help' her make decisions on clothing styles that are appropriate and still 'hip'. Go through the teen magazines together and do some 'girlie' stuff - allow her to show you what she likes and you do the same. Discuss why you think it's appropriate or not. Do not tell her that she is 'DRESSING TO BE RAPED'. That is definitely going to get a negative response. Teens respond more to 'visuals'. Get some movies, or videos that might help you with the discussion of dressing for success/appropriateness. It has been proven that basically what you wear is not the deciding factor when a man decides to 'rape' a woman. It's all about power and control. However, I am with you, I believe that boys are encouraged to say and do things to young ladies when they 'show' so much skin. As a teacher, I am constantly giving long shirts and teeshirts to the young ladies whose tops are too short and show their entire backside, or giving belts to the boys who insist on sagging and showing their Calvin's. There is a way to handle it, but you will have to step very lightly as you move upon a positive relationship with your new daughter - again, please make sure her dad is on your side. And engage her mother. Hopefully, you are all adults and have already set some ground rules and opened up about issues you may have concerns about. If you have not, please do this. I promise you, it will be so much healthier for your new relationship if you can get 'mom' on board. Good luck

Answer 3

It's great that you ask, that you are concerned! Not many people are these days. I don't know anything about your character, obviously, but if you think you're easy to talk to, that people who don't know you too well wouldn't mind touching on some personal topics with you, then pick a comfortable, neutral situation, a walk in the park or something, and start in a light and general way to talk about the purpose of actions in life. All of our actions, everything we do, should lead to something greater. Either building our future, as in her case, or leading us toward the next life, depending on your beliefs (i'm catholic christian). Then refer gently to choice of clothing and other cosmetic aspects (maybe she wears makeup too?) What is the purpose to that? At this stage, clothing should adequately cover up, as you say, and be in a style that does not attract positive or negative attention. There are more important things to focus one's life on, especially school and life skills like different chores around the house and proper moral formation. seriously, an encouter with God would do her wonders. Maybe you could arrange to have this conversation *near* a church and toward the end, walk in, just have her sit down and think about these things openly, if she didn't leave lots of hair in the park, that is!

Some would say good luck, but luck has nothing to do with it, it's all about the Grace of God; pray for her! and God Bless.

Answer 4

Ask her why she dresses like this, and what she is trying to get from it...did she see someone famous with the look and she wants to be like them? You don't need to put in a young girls head that the way she dresses or anything else is asking to be raped, yes explain what boys will maybe expect from her and what they could end up expecting from her.

I would also then talk to my almost husband and have him explain to her that when she is with the two of you she will be dressed appropriately to be seen. Parents are losing control at younger and younger ages now a days because they can't be bothered. If it is this at 12, what is to come? how is she getting her clothes?? I think it is time for her mother and her father to talk and take action now for the fact that it isn't an appropriate look and isn't happening.

Answer 5

You need to talk to your almost husband and tell him her needs to have more jurisdiction in her wardrobe. She should not be let out the house looking like that. You don't need to make her feel bad by making her feel like she is a whore and that she'd be "asking for it." Maybe this girl has low self esteem and is acting out, or maybe she's dressing like her friends. Right now, you are not in a position to approach her about this, her mom and dad need to step in a guide her to what is appropriate and inappropriate clothing for her age.

Answer 6

Just let her watch the news. Inform her of actual events that have happened. Print out some articles online. So many girls are raped and killed everyday. Some because of their appearance, but also jsut being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Answer 7

Lay down the law, tell her what could happen to her....if she doesnt listen then when she is gone take all of her clothes and sell them...make her go with you to buy better clothes... She may get mad but she will get over it...

Answer 8

oh hell no...my daughter would not be caught wearing anything like that...but in your situation i see how things can be harder...you should talk to your spouse about it..i mean why they are letting their daughter wear clothing like that is just beyond me....dont get me wrong i know how it is to be young....with my kids i deal with that sort of thing everyday...however i set rules and its like this i buy the clothes....she is only 12 she can't afford to buy the clothes so the person who puts up the money for that **** should be talked to...

Answer 9

just for you to know it doesn't really matter what you wear because I was in pants and a big baggy sweater when I was raped at the age of 10yrs. So no matter what if it is going to happen it will. just advise here that it is not great to happen to you.

Answer 10

OMG my step mom wouldn't let me outta the house like that and my dad would be so p*ssed offand my big brother ohh my god they all get mad when i wear 2 pices bathing suits just talk to your spouse to be and then both sit her down and talk to her all else fails you warned her

Answer 11

I'm a thirteen year old girl, and I wouldn't be caught dead in anything like that! Maybe you could talk to her dad and tell him your concerns. She might listen to her father.