How do I turn down a gay friend and still stay friends?

Question

I am not gay, I have no problem with those who are and in fact, one of my best friends is gay. A lot (well not a lot – but a few) people have like picked on, and teased him because of that, but whenever I am around – I always stick up for him. It pisses me off how homophobic and mean people can be! But anyways, like a few days ago, he finally worked up the nerve to tell me he liked me, (I already had a hunch, and tried to hint that I wanted to keep things as plutonic as possible) but he told me anyways. He knows I am not gay, but said he had to get it off of his chest – but I think maybe he hopes I might turn gay or something… I do not know…

However, lately ever since then he has like been avoiding me. I feel bad because I hurt him, but I am not gay, and I do not want loose a 17-year friend over an awkward thing such as this. What should I do?

P.S. ~ I am serious here, serious answers only please. If you are going to give some asinine or immature answer – do not waste my time.

Ha Ha! Thanks Unclefrunk... I did mean platonic not plutonic.

Answer 1

Hey,

If you were honest and said you loved him very much as a friend but didn't want more -- and the same type of things you would tell a female friend that felt that way but about whom you did not feel the same -- things like that you were flattered that he felt that way and that you didn't want anything in the friendship to change --- it may actually strengthen the friendship in the long-run.

On the other hand, right now he is probably feeling vulnerable. He told you -- you know now -- and the mind can do all sorts of things. He is embarrassed that in a weak moment he told you. Afraid that you feel differently now, maybe that you don't really want to still be friends -- and frightened that he has scared or hurt you. I guarantee that all these things are in his mind because I have been in a weird form of this situation - almost a reverse in a way, but similar enough so I have a fair understanding of the tensions.

Years and years ago when I was young, I ran an arcade for a number of years. I was always out and never really had a problem because of it (or perhaps in fact, the reason I never had problems was because I made no bones). Two mid-teens boys, both straight, but both very handsome and very horny who knew me well and hung out with me at the arcade all the time, asked me one-day in very hushed Tones to please take them to my apartment (where they had been before) and blow them. I refused -- and I said some of the right things -- but I REALLY didn't fully grasp how vulnerable they felt, nor did I grasp that by refusing them I made them feel betrayed -- I was their gay friend... why wouldn't I blow them? Were they ugly? Were they dirty? Would I tell people they offered their ***** to me? Was I laughing at them? ..... All the thoughts they had, none of which were remotely realistic, destroyed our friendship. They stopped coming to the arcade, they stopped hanging out with me, they stopped calling me, and they wouldn't return my calls. I was devastated, and only after sorting through it with a friend who was older and was studying psychology at the time was I able to figure out what had happened.

I recommend pursuing the friendship aggressively. You value it and you know he does. Tell him you love him, he is your friend and he is being silly. Tell him that you want to always be his friend just as you always have been. Be honest, it doesn't matter to you -- and you really want everything to continue as tight and close as it always has been.

Now if he is really in love with you (and it may have grown to that point) it may take a little while, but if he is as mature as you are, which I suspect he is -- he will realize how much you love him and how much he loves you and it will end up making the bonds of friendship the tightest you can imagine.

A word, I have two straight friends who have been my friends since we were kids. The bonds between us as a group are stronger -- in all honesty and fairness -- in every non-sexual way, than the bonds of either of them to their wives and in many ways than my bonds to my partner of nearly 15 years. That is a potential side effect that you should be aware of, just because some straight guys don't like that.

Regards,

Reynolds
[e-mail]

Answer 2

I agree with the first person. He is probably a bit embarrassed now.

Honesty is always the best policy. Make it absolutely positively clear that you are NOT gay and that their is no chance you ever will be. Now tell your fried how much you value his friendship and that you want him to be a part of your life. Tell him you enjoy hanging out with him and that you want to continue to hang out with him. You have always respected each other in the past and their is no reason you can't respect each other in the future too.

LOL! Maybe you could go to a gay bar with him! A lot of straight family and friends go to gay bars with their gay friends. People will not hit on you if just say you are straight and there with your friend. If you are young and cute they guys will probably all want to buy you a beer anyway just to talk to you a bit even though they know they arn't going to go home with you. It will give you a unique insight about life on the other side and I think you would learn a lot!

Also - more so than guys - a lot more lesbians tend to be bi. You will get a chance to meet them. Some straight guys go to gay bars just for this very reason!

Answer 3

Dont let a good friendship end over a silly little crush. People developecrushes all the time especially when you spend a lot of time together. I would just call him up and say lets go do something (whatever you guys usually did together) and let him know that you arent gay but you can get past his crush as long as he doesnt act on it. Depending on your type of interaction with each other is how you should handle it.

If you guys have a laid back relationship, then just blow it off as a big joke, you know say I know I am the stud but I dont swing that way. Hell I dont know, but do you get what I am saying? Or if you guys have a more straight forward relationship just say hey I am flattered but you know me and thats not going to happen, and then drop it, just move on.

Best of luck, I hope you guys can stay friends.

Answer 4

Well first off - it sounds like you are a good guy - he is lucky to have you as a friend. It sounds like you already know how difficult this must hve been for him.

He was honest and upfront - the best thing is for you to be too - just tell him you are not gay.

Tell him what you told us - that you don't want to loose a 17 year friendship...that will mean a lot to him.

Answer 5

Perhaps he needs to come to terms with the fact that his feelings for you are never going to be returned by you in the same way. This might explain why he's avoiding you - he needs time to get over his love for you. All you can do is let him know that you value the friendship you two have but that you are just not drawn that way towards him. The rest is down to him.

BTW, I think you meant platonic not plutonic, LOL!

Answer 6

I feel personally that you can't be friends with someone who's attracted to you, even if the two of you are heterosexual (man and girl best friends). It never ends up working out, because the feelings become so strong with one of you, that it will just push the other away. I think it's beautiful, that you have stuck up for him, and that you are an advocate for humanity. Tell him, that you don't want to lose him as a friend, due to the bond that you have. It is possible, that he just has feelings for you because you have stuck up for him, and treated him like your own blood. I bow to you, being that you're a heterosexual boy who doesn't hate people because of the way God made him. Speaking from experience, regardless of how he is acting, you hold a special place in his heart, because you have been a genuine person.

Answer 7

Your friend's pride has been hurt (and I don't mean his gay pride). He likely feels that he has upset you and that you might be talking about him and making fun of him. He likely feels rejected and badly for what happened and is probably worrying that his move cost him a friendship.

There is really only one way to get around this, and that is for one of you to pick up the phone and make the call. Since he isn't doing it, why don't you do it? It might be a bit awkward at first, but just say that you've missed seeing him lately and offer to meet for coffee. Let him know that you value his friendship and that you don't think less of him for the way he expressed himself. If your friendship means anything to each of you, it will withstand this little bump in the road.

Good luck to each of you. I hope it works out OK.

Answer 8

You're right ---a 17yr friendship is a lot to just throw away. Perhaps he is avoiding you because he is embarrassed. Why not just show him the question that you have written here?...It tells it all to me....Maybe he did want more than a friendship-- but only he knows that..however, in this world friendship is too valuable to just throw away over a misunderstanding....talk to him, honestly, man-to-man....set it all out on the line. The time has come for real hard core honesty in your realtionship.

Answer 9

When one friend is attracted to the other, and the other does not reciprocate, it's always tough. Regardless of sexual preferences. They key word is "friend", and if he considers himself a friend to you the way you do of him, he'll come around. Right now he probably needs space to figure out his feelings. If he decides he's too attracted to you, he might end up staying away to avoid feeling rejected everytime he's with you. And there's not much you can do about that. But chances are he'll realize the value of your friendship, and learn to adjust. Give him time. If you try to pursue your friendship right now, he could easily mis-interpret your intentions, making them what he wants them to be, so lay low.

Answer 10

Give it a little time. Don't force him into contact with you right now. I'm sure that you were very kind and tactful in the way you declined his advances. Yes, he's probably hurt and maybe even a little embarassed but give him some time to heal the wound a bit and then see what happens.