I'm scared to get married. I don't know what to do. My mum expects me to meet him over?

Question

several dates and then decide. I am 33 years old and she says that 'we need to hold up our heads high' in our community. I have met a couple of people her way and also chatted online my way. I don't trust any man. I know I will be let down. I want childdren but i don't think I could handle a man in my life full time. My mum wants me to marry an Indian but I prefer white men. the problem with investing in a realtionship (i.e dating) is that there is no gurantee he will marry me..I could be dumped and as my whole family expect me to have a semi arranged marriage I am unsure what to do. there are a lot of Asain speed Dating services but my mother wants him to be of a specific place of origin in india and not a low caste. I have also done a lot of bad things in my own past and it seems an automatic reaction now to say 'noone will like me'. I comfort eat , abuse online slimming pills,benzos, am a size 16 and unsure what to do?

I still live at home with my family and am treated like a child when the family comes over. I hide or go out if people come to the house and avoid at all costs my white english friends. I am thinking of making a move for a year to London. I have no skills at all. My mother is dominant and I am scared she will take over my life.

I still live at home with my family and am treated like a child when the family comes over. I hide or go out if people come to the house and avoid at all costs my white english friends. I am thinking of making a move for a year to London. I have no skills at all. My mother is dominant and I am scared she will take over my life.

Answer 1

At 33years it sounds like you need to leave home, and decide for yourself if you want to marry,ethnic or otherwise it should be a man YOU feel at ease with and could spend time time time time with.good luck

Answer 2

Aww, this sounds awful. Your family doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart so I would say the move to London is an excellent idea. Get some distance away from your family and start concentrating on yourself. Maybe see a therapist who can help you overcome some issues and stop comfort eating and hurting yourself. Also, if you aren't ready to get married, DON'T! Also, don't marry someone you don't trust or love and who doesn't treat you right. You have to be married to this person, NOT your mother and you will be spending your life with them so take your time choosing. You are only 33, you are not too old. You have your whole life ahead of you to get married and stuff. I know it's scary but don't waste any more time, get out there and start enjoying life. You will be glad you did!

Answer 3

Well what do YOU want from life? Do you want to be happy? Sometimes the greatest challenges is the unknown. Sometimes taking a risk could be the best thing and sometimes it could be the worst. You will never know until you try! You know how one way of your life will be is you listen to your mother but you will always wonder "What could have been" is you did it another way.Your scared I'm sure as anyone would be but your mother is not happy or else she would not try to run your life. All men are not evil and all men are not hurtful. To try to find the right man is something that could take time. Do not give up! What would make you happy? If you need to clear your mind then do what is best for you. Your mother will pass away eventually and then what will you do? You will be in a situation that YOU WILL HATE and not have any happiness at all. This is your life so decide what you want out of it. Best regards.

Answer 4

Oh you poor thing, this is why I dont agree with some religions, you should not have to face an arranged marriage, you should be able to fall in love like the rest of us.

You say about running away to london, pleae dont do this, london is a big bad place, you are so vulnerable. You will end up in trouble.

Forced marriage is illegal in the uk, there are organisations you can turn to, try this.....



Foreign Office, Forced Marriage Unit (FMU) - normal rates apply 020 7008 0135 or 020 7008 0230 Mon-Fri 9am-5pm or 020 7008 1500 (at all other times)


The FMU offers confidential information and helps anyone in the UK that is scared they may be forced into a marriage. The FMU team can also help people in the UK forced overseas to marry.

Forced Marriage Unit (FMU)
Foreign & Commonwealth Office
Room G/55
Old Admiralty Building
Whitehall
SW1A 2PA
Email [e-mail]

Whatever you do, DO NOT go on a nice family 'holiday' to india or you may find yourself being married off. The laws are different over there, you may not be able to prevent it hapenning.

Maybe you need to break away from living at home and try getting your own place. i know with religious and cultural differences, it must be very hard, but dont let them force you into anything you are not happy with.

All the best.

XXXXX

Answer 5

Well first of all about getting married, you will know when you come across the right person and then you don't have to worry about being dumped. The cultural thing is very difficult, but I say screw your mother and do whatever you think is the right thing to do. Don't let your mother to live your life because you are the one who is going to be living it full time. Another thing, don't say that you are a loser, because nobody is a loser, you are your unique own person, however STOP abusing those slimming pills. Get some help if you need to, through your doctor or else there is a lot of help out there. Stand up and take control of your own life, stop feeling bad for yourself, and once you do that you will start helping yourself.

Answer 6

It sounds like you are in an extremely controlled situation. I can't really comment on semi-arranged marriages as I have never had one or had anyone suggest I should have one, but it seems to me you are now old enough to make that decision for yourself.

I would speed up the move to London so that you can get some independence and the confidence to do what you want, not what your mother wants. And finally, and most importantly, at least try talking to her - if you have generally gone along with what she wants in the past and not spoken up she may assume that this is what you want too.

Oh and before I forget, "no one will like me"?! I doubt that very much. If this is really how you feel you need to spend some time work on your low self-esteem (probably caused in no small part by your mother) before even thinking about marriage or no marriage, arranged or not, will survive for too long.

Answer 7

Move to London! Do it! Do it! Do it! You're right -- there are no guarantees in life. A guy may very well dump you (it happens to the best of us). But one thing is certain -- if you don't get away from your mother and establish your own independence, you're NEVER going to find happiness. I take it you don't live in India. If your parents didn't want you to have white friends, they shouldn't have ever moved to wherever it is you live. If they don't like your actions, then they have some culpability. And to not only expect you to marry an Indian, but someone from a particular place in India -- that is ludicrous! Don't get married at all!!! At least not now! Find yourself first and resolve your issues with your past. (I bet your past actions weren't so bad anyway.) Best of luck with your mother. She'll get over it. You cannot live your life for your mother!

Answer 8

Only get married for yourself, I understand the family pressures you may be exposed to but why sign yourself up for a life of misery because the family has pressured you into a married that you were not happy about.

You are a human with rights and feelings, while I was at uni in London I was in the minority and had a lot of Indian friends.

Some had arranged marriages but most of them were happy with their partners, the ones that were not went against the family's wishes. I am stil in touch with some of them and they are very happy now.

Answer 9

I have no respect for people like you.

Here's what you need to do:

1) Pack all your things and move out right this instant.

2) Never talk to or see anyone in your family ever again. Realize that you don't owe your mother anything, you never asked to be born.

3) Never get married. Marriage is for insecure idiots who are never going to make anything of their lives.

4) Realize that you don't need a man in your life, all relationships do is hold you down and stop you from fullfilling your dreams. Become completely independent and never trust anyone but yourself.

Answer 10

ok, your 22, a spouse and a momma two times. I do have self assurance you're too youthful for that duty. yet you at present have it and now you need to make the main suitable of what you have offering hubby isn't beating you, ingesting & drugging instead of working, mendacity & cheating. If he does none of that stuff, you extra effectual get YOUR poop in a team and be the forged wifey & momma. If he's not being a sturdy hubby & dad, nicely then you quite could desire to make the main suitable selection for you & the babies. And sure, adult adult males do like women folk with babies. My hubby & I married a million a million/2 years in the past. I definitely have 4 sons, 3 minors on the time and his 2 babies have been grown & in basic terms approximately grown then, my 2 youngest are actually 7 & 10. he's a great "dad" to my babies and we would possibly no longer commerce him for each and all the income the worldwide! Mary in Beulah, MI. u . s . a .

Answer 11

If you ring the Samaritans they can help you, i think there is a new support group that tackles problems with arranged marriages so if you give them a call they may be able to put you in touch with someone. I really feel for you i was lucky enough to be able to choose my own husband but i know a lot of young girls are pressured into arranged marriage. Please give the Samaritans a call on 08457 90 90 90, you can also discuss your other problems or Relate line who deal with relationship problems on 0845 130 40 10. I wish you good luck xx