Which one is better? Or can someone think of a more catchy sentence?? It has to do with it being difficult to marry a Duke.
1) The desire for becoming the wife of a Duke is universal amongst the ladies, yet it is rarely satisfied
2) The desire for winning the position as the wife of a Duke is universal amongst the ladies, yet it is rarely satisfied
3)The desire for snaring a Duke is universal amongst the ladies, yet it is rarely satisfied
2006-07-27 21:24:54 · 9 answers · asked by J.Welkin 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
The third has the most promise, but it's not great. I don't think the grammar is correct, it's wordy and difficult to read, and are you sure you want to use present tense? Let's look at historical great first lines. One that springs to mind first of all is the first line of Daphne du Maurier's 'Rebecca':
'Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.'
It has fantastic rhythm, it is short and punchy, and it implies a great deal that it doesn't say. We know the sayer is not at Manderley now - why not? Where is she? Why does she dream she returns?
A great first line is punchy, rhythmic, and makes us wonder. It implies questions which make the reader want to know. Yours needs some work. Never give up (until you've been rejected for twelve years by every agent, in which case you should try something different).
2006-07-28 16:13:38 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
The grammar in all three choices is poor. Should I chose the best of the poorest?
I'm not being a smartass here. But I am a published writer. If you really want to land a contract with Regency (and keep the contract) they are going to expect better writing than what you've posted here. If not, their editors will simply toss it in the nearest trash can. The following are correct ways to express the same thing:
Example:
1. The desire to become the wife of a Duke is ...
2. The desire to win the position of wife to a Duke ...
3. The desire to snare a Duke as you husband is ...
All of these openings are in the proper tense and employ proper grammar.
And 'amongst the ladies'? Many 'ladies' are already married. You could re-phrase it ... 'among young unmarried women ...'
2006-07-27 21:39:01 · answer #2 · answered by Doc Watson 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Smacks of Jane Austin. Or was this intentional?
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in
possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."
If it was intentional, why not be ironic and go all the way?
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman not in
possession of a good fortune, must be seeking a Duke.
2006-07-27 22:48:19 · answer #3 · answered by Dungle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Snaring a duke is the great ambition of many a young lady, and her mother, but for very few is it realized.
2006-07-28 03:19:52 · answer #4 · answered by songbird092962 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The wish to become a duchess is universal among those young ladies partaking of the season, but is rarely satisfied.
2006-07-27 21:43:29 · answer #5 · answered by sallyotas 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well you are austen-esque aren't you?
if you really want to write that way...
the woman who is the wife of the duke is always the most envied among her fellows, for it is well known that winning the affection of such a duke is one of the most formidable tasks any one woman could undertake.
2006-07-28 03:18:46 · answer #6 · answered by she who is awesome 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The third is the best. Good Luck. PS -- --- Three reads best if it is the words of the protagonist - -- -- the rueful words of one who will ultimately triumph.
2006-07-27 21:31:31 · answer #7 · answered by JVHawai'i 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like #1.
I tried like hell to come up with something better for ya... but no luck.... but I won't beat myself up about it.. you are the writer.. not me.
good luck :)
sounds good... no matter which one ya go with
2006-07-27 21:31:37 · answer #8 · answered by Tish 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
3 is the best since that's exactly what they try to do... SNARE him.... plus it sounds the best...
2006-07-27 21:36:58 · answer #9 · answered by heidielizabeth69 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋