How's my poem?

Question

Her breath, enchanting
Smells salty, so crisp and clean,
like a tear. She is
calm today.
Crashing, rolling, rising and falling!
But in a gentle way.

I take a few steps closer, where the sand
Is no longer dry or loose.
But is slick and wet, and tight-packed too.
I reach for a gem, but she steals it.
A jolt to my senses.
Her touch is so cold!
I lay down, she moves in to swallow me
Shock grabs hold.Releases. Numbness follows.
My body is gone, an icy feeling.
But it is my worries, the ocean is
stealing.



I wrote this poem a while back and I just want some feedback on it. Anything that particularly good? Anything I should change or take out? Thanks for reading!

Answer 1

I would only change punctuation, which is the guide of how a poem is read. Also decide if you want each line to have a capital, depending on punctuation. It is up to the author in free verse poetry.


Her breath, enchanting
Smells salty, so crisp and clean,
[L]ike a tear. She is
[C]alm today.
Crashing, rolling, rising and falling!
But in a gentle way.

(FIRST STANZA, WELL DONE!)

I take a few steps closer, where the sand
Is no longer dry or loose.
[It] is slick and wet, and tight-packed too.

(Omitted "but", new thought? No space needed here, for your info)

I reach for a gem, but she steals it.
A jolt to my senses[,]
Her touch is so cold!
I lay down[;] she moves in to swallow me[.]
Shock grabs hold. Releases. Numbness follows. (good!)
My body is gone, an icy feeling.
But it is my worries, the ocean is
stealing. (thought- the ocean has stolen my worries. OR omit "but" and middle comma. And, put all on one line)


You are smart to ask for input; great poems (and any art form) are perfected by constructive criticism. It is too bad that it was not a century or two ago, when poets were revered. I truly enjoyed it, well done!

Answer 2

I like the contrast of calm with crashing, rolling etc.

The use of all the tactile/visual adjectives before "senses" helps to keep "senses" from being trite and overused. And I seldom see a poem use an exclamation point where it doesn't seem forced but it works so well for you.

And again the contrast between the movement and sense stimulation versus the loss/suicide of self at the end... excellent.

I would suggest that you drop ", the ocean" and just stick with "she" as the reader understands from your excellent first stanza that "she" is the ocean or sea.

Great work! I enjoyed it very much.

By the by... did you title this poem? Not that it's necessary but sometimes more can be drawn from a work from the title... but then there's the problem with pulling too much from the title as well... ah, conundrum.

Answer 3

+
I am a writer and have several novels and 650 poems. I will tell you that the poem might be OK is you do away from the oral sex theme. Poetry takes love of heart and insight; it is like a gentle breeze blowing in from the ocean. Your poem is more like a tremulous black cloud that is ready to send a lightning strike into the heart of a lovely woman, who should be respected with descent words.

Answer 4

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It would not inevitably might want to rhyme besides the undeniable fact that it needs to hit my thoughts. i imagine readability of expression is significant besides. i do not favor to 2d guess what i'm reading about. I continuously search for what I time period "poetic gem stones"contained in the textual content.

Answer 5

i got a good laugh because it really is just horrible. i would change the entire poem. and the sand part was so corny it was funny. good luck you do have it in you you just need a lot of rearanging

Answer 6

Poetry is so hard to critique. It seems good. So she=the ocean waves. You should give it a title.

Answer 7

I like it because I always feel peaceful when walking on the beach.

Answer 8

So....I do like it. I like the contrast, especially, where you say she is calm today, crashing and such in a gentle way.

Answer 9

Nice one.

Answer 10

I like it keep it that way