Critique me- What do you think of this Poem...brutally honest answers appreciated?

Question

i think im starting to hate this view
'cause maybe its my reflection
but i vote we put all the blame on you....
i guess im just not as strong as i thought i was
im so sick of the excuse being left at 'because'
...because what?
i hate that im beginning to learn-
you just cant replace love once its lost

i want you, i want the star of my best memories
but its getting harder to miss what never was
all the pictures, the messages, replaced- you'll never be
so i guess i should say a permant good bye
but maybe i want to keep up the lie
content in denial...
im so uncomfortable as i realize
im not quite sure if your ..worth the while.
so i saw u on myspace
and all these feelings over took my mind
i promised myself to never lay eyes on your face
but at least i can say i kinda tried

what can i say?
Im not ashmaed...
I fell for ya once
and even as the truth came
i still waited. And i still comtemplated. and i still sat here, like an idiot.

its lyrics (possibly) for a friends punk band, not really a poem :)

Answer 1

nice poem i think it really reflects what you migth be going throug and its really good/kool to express it and share with other people

Answer 2

i'm a middle school english teacher!

fantastic, very expressive and fun. SUPER & dramatic ending, i loved it.

i would change the "so i guess" part to a brand new stanza so that u make the "you'll never be" from the previous line have even MORE impact.

then at "not quite sure if your" it should be "you're"

and one more thing, when u write myspace it totally crashes the poem into a screeching halt because so far u have been very honest and bare--naked feelings--yet also comfortably unspecific with brands/names/websites. i would change the "so i saw u on myspace" to "so i saw u there"

"to never" is a split infinitive (if u care) and easily corrected to "never to"

"ashamed" rather than "ashmaed"

and "ya" kinda says "i was a teenager in the 80s" rather than just "you" or even better, "u".

i love how the last line is extra long to contrast with the brevity of four short lines with single thoughts that come before it.

keep up the creativity & self expression! super job.

Answer 3

Some advice I will give you as fellow poet is to NOT use a lower case "i" ever. And I mean, NEVER use it. You are a writer, respect the language first. (I won't dog you on spelling, we all do that!) Do you have a rhythm to your poem, or is it just an all out emotional speel? Poetry still has a rhythm to the rhyme, and I don't mean to use a sing-song approach. Count syllables, don't run on too long or too short. Try to avoid using the term "I" so much. You can say alot without referring to yourself. Play with your words, twist them and misuse them, use analogy.

But you do have an emotion in there, that is always a great step in the right direction. Also, start posting on free poetry forums, read and understand what others do, how to play with the words.

Thanks, good luck to you.

Answer 4

comment1: Take out the word "maybe" in the paragraph below to be definite in your feelings.

i think im starting to hate this view
'cause maybe its my reflection
but i vote we put all the blame on you....

comment2: Correct your spelling of Permanent and ashamed try using "check spelling" in your word application

comment3: Re-structure this poem for continues flow of thougths

comment4: Don't use "ya" as substitute of the word "you" since this is a poem you are not making Rap lyrics

Answer 5

not very structured, kinda hard to understand. i dont get what you are going for in the beginning. then the subject matter turns to something else. and any poem that mentions myspace is a little funny.

permant needs to be permanant 12th line

Answer 6

I think you could get a better, more in-depth critique from other poets on a writing site. I would recommend writing.com or youngwriterssociety.com. I have an account on both, but I am more active on the youngs writers society. My username is Addie on the young writers society and addie28 on writing.com, so feel free to contact me on the site if you get an account on either one.

Answer 7

It's too long but it's good. You speak from your experience right from your heart. You really have the talent to write poem. You need to write more and release your feelings. Keep up your good work, very promising. I really like it, cool!!!!!

Answer 8

I think it is brutally honest itself and I can identify with it due to my own life experiences. You have great vision expressed in words that potentially have more than a poem in them.

Good Stuff!

Answer 9

It is a little difficult to read, It doesn't flow well. But the feeling is from the heart, and that is impressive.
Good work over all.

Answer 10

i write poems that reflect what is going on in my life that is how i vent i can feel what u are feeling as u wrote that nothing bad could come the truth that is real to you so i think its great keep writing

Answer 11

i love the message of the poem but the poem line cut is very unorganized!
i like the flow of the poem....be careful of the terms that you'll use..