i kno it's kinda dark, but i wrote it in the psych ward so it'd be fake if it was all happy. it's just honest. but besides the depressing nature, what do you think of it as a poem?
"Surrounded by the cold and lonely
Hospital walls.
Trying to escape the pain.
My cries echo throughout the dark and
Empty halls.
No one can here me,
No one is there.
The fact that no one’s listening,
Is more than I can bear.
I have nothing I can gain,
Nothing left to lose.
Even with all the choices in life,
It seems there’s nothing I can choose.
My life has hit a dead-end,
There’s no where I can turn.
every time I try to move,
My body aches from every burn.
I hate the feeling of being completely
Deserted.
This hell-hole,
This purgatory,
Which we call the world;
Is twisted.
F*cked up.
Completely perverted."
2006-07-27 14:56:25 · 9 answers · asked by lifeistough_period 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Yup, sounds like poetry by a 14 year old. Don't quit your day job.
Love, Jack
2006-07-27 15:01:23 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
For a fourteen year-old, that's pretty good.
I think maybe you should worry less about making it rhyme and more about finding the exact word you want to make your point. And I hope you will continue to write, and polish your craft.
I think many great works of art are born out of suffering. Although not all great artists suffer, and not all sufferers produce great art.
2006-07-27 22:10:29 · answer #2 · answered by kittybriton 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your poem was a cry for help and I hope you got it and feel better about life now. I think it's very emotional and well written for a fourteen year old. You should take writing and literature courses in college.
2006-07-27 22:01:51 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Its really good. I definatly think you get the mood across well. On the other hand, I think you should change the second to last line. It spoils the feeling and makes you sound immature.
2006-07-27 22:03:31 · answer #4 · answered by Alexa H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Like a really bad country music song... Break out the rhyming
2006-07-27 22:09:42 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you could remove the curse word. hehe.
but the poem's nice. the cut lines feels like a person in desperate need to leave that room. :)
2006-07-27 22:26:10 · answer #6 · answered by yawmee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it. it is a very good poem. most good poetry is dark and depressed so dont let that get u down.
2006-07-27 22:04:58 · answer #7 · answered by alamari 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the poem was great. mind if I share with you some good news. the sad things on earth won't go on forever. please contact me for more details.
2006-07-28 09:56:41 · answer #8 · answered by newpersonality 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like- lots of people can relate to it.
2006-07-27 22:18:45 · answer #9 · answered by carobygirl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋