Chocolate Flowers
You stand there
Pleading with your eyes
Knowing we long have died
And that our light is fading out
Under the rain's twilight
Come on go
Don't make this hard
Cause you know,no matter
The hardest that you'll try
The bond will rebreak under
Such ernest atemps
And the world again turns
Burning violet red
Just forget and
Don't past the time
Wondering how and why
Such a relationship couldn't
be kept as simple as the
Flowers and chocolate that
You sent to repent
For the"LITTLE"mistakes
That leaves my skin crawling
Everytime I think of them
Chocolate Flowers
Wilther and melt away
Your presents wouldn't let me live and
Hope for better days
Inside I know
That I'll forgive....
Forgive him for all his sins
In time I'll learn to grow
my own garden
Where chocolate flowers
Will never exist
Fini
2006-07-27 13:05:47 · 12 answers · asked by Jamie 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Beyond correcting any typos and small edits in rhythm, it creates a strong color and mood. Keep going -- we'll hopefully see more soon... :)
2006-07-27 13:09:36 · answer #1 · answered by fitpro11 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
rather boring and lucid.
you have an idea, work on it.
don't write a half-hearted lament, that is classless and monotonous. play with language and structure [rhythm, rhyme, meter, etc.]
come up with something really clever. like a totally bizarre theme or a metaphor. don't use flaccid ones that are meaningless:
"
Chocolate Flowers
Wilther and melt away
"
be original and it's ok to copy other poems [within reason].
also, ensure you're precise with your emotions -- they're your possessions, don't whore them with a shoddy poem.
[harshness isn't always fair, but it's always necessary]
ta ta
2006-07-27 13:12:04 · answer #2 · answered by wilde.reader 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's really good. Can I suggest something though?
When it says "Don't past the time" (the line before "such a relationship") you need to fix that line. Instead of "past" put "pass". Anyway, great poem and just remember next time that spelling and grammar is important in writing! :)
2006-07-27 13:12:28 · answer #3 · answered by sweetdollツ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What may hold no meaning to someone,
May mean the world to someone else.
But to the person who searched the depths of their heart and soul,
To find the words to put from pen to paper.
These verses reveal a state of mind and moment.
Trapped and frozen forever.
2006-07-27 13:25:26 · answer #4 · answered by synapse 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My sister was a poet and had a few books published in her memory.
Your poem has a lot of feeling that I can relate too myself. try entering your poetry into the poetry contests I am sure you are apt to win a few.
2006-07-27 13:11:11 · answer #5 · answered by mn01countrygirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's great,keep on writing you seem to have a knack for letting the world see your true feelings
2006-07-27 13:13:23 · answer #6 · answered by scott f 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
pretty good then again i am a poet and i am only 12
2006-07-27 13:09:40 · answer #7 · answered by Courtney 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow. Its really good. Except for the part that I didnt read it, way too long to actually be any good.
2006-07-27 13:08:40 · answer #8 · answered by snipps 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
kool i tjink your poem is great
2006-07-27 13:09:14 · answer #9 · answered by daddys lil girl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sucks!
2006-07-27 13:07:44 · answer #10 · answered by memphisroom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋