Can I have your opinion?? (Please no bashers)?

Question

My honey is out of town looking for work in Indiana... when I call, he's a big grouch, but he seems to be getting along just great with our friends (who he's staying with). He does all the things I want him to do at home, with them. He willingly spends time with them, has long talks with the wife, is attentive, helps out with their kids, stayed home today to take care of the wife b/c she wasn't feeling well (even though he's on a time crunch, which WOULDN'T have happened here at home), and so on and so forth. It's making me very upset, and I don't get it. He doesn't want to hear about it, and just blows me off when I call, even though I just want to touch base with him, and chit-chat about whatever. And, no, there isn't a chance that there's a thing with the wife, before anybody puts that out there... it's just irritating and hurtful that he's more attentive and patient with them than with his own family. I just need some advise... PLEASE NO BASHING THOUGH, seriously...Thanks All

SwampDog: In answer to your questions:

#1 We live in St Louis, about 4 hrs from them. #2 We've decided to move to Indy, so that's where he's looking for work. #3 Before he left, he was suppose to use the web for the search, and then have some things set up, or atleast have some dialog w/some companies open, but he hadn't (when he said he had, which is another area of contention: he's lying about all kinds of little stuff) #4 He's only been there a week so far. #5 I'm also friends with this couple, and the wife and I talk about things, so the things he does and says comes up in conversation. #6 Yes, he is a procrastinator, and he's not the most organized, either (bless his heart!). I thought he was better off than he said he was when he left, but it turned out he didn't even have his resume totally in order (back to another incident of lying). #7 I am also friends with the couple.

YOU ALL ARE TERRIFIC!!! Thank you all so much for the kind words, and the help. I think I just needed to get it out there, ya know? I got really great responses! Thank you EVERYONE who wrote back.... It meant a lot to have feedback on the situation.

Answer 1

Try this experiment. Don't call him.

I realize that this may be taking a chance, but see how long it lasts before he calls you.

My concern is that he is taking you for granted or these is some degree of resentment towards you (for whatever reason, real or imagined) and he acts this way.

Another possibility is that he has created this persona at their place and puts on a performance for them.

Answer 2

How far away do these friends live from you? Why did he choose far away to look for work instead of where he lives? Does he plan on moving the whole family if he finds work so far away from home? Why doesn't he utilize the web for job hunting (much more efficient than relocating yourself around the country)? How long has he been living there? How did you learn of the intimate details of his daily routine (if he's not talking much)? Is he a procrastinator type? What is your connection with these friends?

I would need to understand more about the situation before I can offer sound advice.

Answer 3

First... Thank you for the great answer to my question about my 6 year old.

Second... I know what you are going through. My husband travels for a living and when he is on the road he is grouchy. (I think it is a built in instinct) He can talk to our friends here and be just as happy as can be talking to them, he is happy with the people that work with him on the road, it is just the home front that catches it. I know that being away makes him in a bad mood. I think if they think they are grouchy with us, we won't want to talk as much, which makes it easier on them because they don't have to hear our voices and miss us more. They are men after all, they don't want us to know they are weak. I think my husband would do the same thing as yours (taking care of a friends wife) to be nice since they are letting him stay with them.

Good luck with this. Email me if you would like and we can talk more.

Answer 4

This sounds like a bad case of resentment on his part towards you. Now I don't mean to sound like bashing here, but maybe if your relationship with your "honey" is important to you, you'll take the time to talk with him and hear what he thinks. Now if he believes this will be a waste of time (and he might), you should concider finding a marriage counselor. If you don't, this relationship will just get worse. Take the time to do it. Don't wait for him to do it, and don't expect him to take you seriously if you say you want to do it. Just do it. This sort of thing only occurs because one or the both of you are not communicating to each other.

Answer 5

First off, MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT! And, yes, I know that YOU know that. But you may not FEEL it. What I mean is that its one thing to say something; its another thing to understand it.

Your "honey" sounds like a kind, caring guy and your lucky to have him. However, as a man, he doesn't always LIKE HAVING THAT POINTED OUT! Men, are well, rough, rugged and to be counted on, this means, that what he "doing" is to be EXPECTED of him. Not, "wow, your so sweet." Like, wow, what a shock, I can't believe it! Also, he's as you said, "losing time to it" and this is never appreciated even when he's helping out people who are helping him out! So, while he's "repaying a favor" he still has work to do and would like to get back to HIS FAMILY, even if "he wouldn't have done it at home."

Also, the fact that he doesn't want to "chit-chat" says I know what I'm talking about. AS LONG AS YOU AND THE KIDS ARE OKAY, HE'S OKAY! So, basically, he just isn't the touchy-feely kind of guy, sorry, but you knew that not too soon after the marriage I figure. I hope it wasn't a "big change" that he pulled on you like my father did to my mother after their wedding. Also, since HE'S LIVING WITH THEM, he MUST act interested just to be polite, so its not LIKE HE LOVES THEM MORE, quite the opposite.

Answer 6

For one thing, he's a guest in their house so he's apt to be more attentative and willing to help out. I assume he's not paying to stay there so the little things he's doing is a way to say thank you. Why he's treating you poorly when you call? I'm not sure but you're a reminder of his real-life and his unemployment status. It sounds like he's under a lot of stress and maybe he takes it as you're checking up on him or needling him about finding work - even though you're not.

Answer 7

It's probably because he feels obligated to do things there since he's a guest in their home. I went through a similar situation when my now ex went to Wyoming and stayed with some friends when he got another job. It was straining on our relationship because he never felt he had a quiet place away from them to have a conversation with me and tell me how he really felt about things. Hang in there and good luck!

Answer 8

Maybe you're a nag to him. It's either your fault or his fault, and according to the information you've provided, it sounds like he's not accepting of the amount of attention you give him.

Do the opposite of what you usually do in his presence, and he might feel like there is less pressure in the household. It'll be a "home vacation" of sorts.

Answer 9

I have seen it before.
He is a good man,to everyone else.

Answer 10

I would be mad too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!