I'm a little too emotional right now......Can I have some advice?

Question

My honey is out of town looking for work in Indiana... when I call, he's a big grouch, but he seems to be getting along just great with our friends (who he's staying with). He does all the things I want him to do at home, with them. He willingly spends time with them, has long talks with the wife, is attentive, helps out with their kids, stayed home today to take care of the wife b/c she wasn't feeling well (even though he's on a time crunch, which WOULDN'T have happened here at home), and so on and so forth. It's making me very upset, and I don't get it. He doesn't want to hear about it, and just blows me off when I call, even though I just want to touch base with him, and chit-chat about whatever. And, no, there isn't a chance that there's a thing with the wife, before anybody puts that out there... it's just irritating and hurtful that he's more attentive and patient with them than with his own family. I just need some advise... PLEASE NO BASHING THOUGH, seriously...Thanks All

THANK YOU, EVERYONE! You have no idea how much better I feel. I guess I just needed to get it out there, because it was really bothering me. I can't pick a response, though, because I feel they were all equally special! Thank you, everyone!

Answer 1

It's kind of like the same reason your kids are angels when with other people/around other people and then come home and act like complete spoiled brats. It's the idea that you are with people who you are friends with - you have no obligation or committment to them at all, or at least not on the same level that you do with your family.
Your husband is probably grouchy because he is going through a tough time with trying to find work and support you and his family. Him being great with your friends family just means that while he is there he is being a good house guest. It's easy to act the way he is acting with them because they aren't his family and he isn't responsible for them.
When he gets on the phone with you he might be feeling inadequate, bitter, resentful, bored, ashamed, etc. You need to communicate with him and get the air cleared, because there should be no one he would rather spend time with than his family. Try to talk to him seriously - when he gets back, don't do it on the phone. The next option would be to get into marriage/family counseling and start getting these issues with him resolved so they don't fester.

Answer 2

I can understand how you feel. Once upon a time .. a long time ago.. my husband was the same with his friends as you are describing your husband. He was happy and jolly and never a dull moment when they were around. I couldnt understand it either because right after the company left.. he was basically the same old grouch as he was prior to them arriving. Bitching and moaning and feeling really bad.. and cant hardly even take a breath attitude. But when they were around.. you would think he was a spring chick. Anyways.. (just had to tell you the story - lol) I was mad, upset, bitter, jealous and I saw "red" everytime this happened. I would ask why he was like this.. however I would get the answer.. that I was looney for thinking such stuff. He wasnt like this.. no way.. I was imagining this stuff. Anyways.. time went on and I lost a bit of that love, trust in my heart for him due to all of this. I just became numb to the so called "cold shoulder" from him to the point that I didnt care anymore. I spent most of my time alone or with the children. Time changes all things.. now the tables have turned in some respect. He doesnt have many friends at all.. and he wants to be by my side at all times. I am not suggesting that you become cold and numb to his actions, because they will only hurt you both as an outcome. It has hurt us as a couple. Partly my fault for giving up and partly his fault for trying to be everything to everyone except his wife. We still live together, but there is nothing that will ever bring back that closeness that we once had. Hang in there.. good luck. I wish I had some concrete advice.. but all I have is what happened in my situation.

Answer 3

Takes the devil's advocate position.

He's probably just got an odd upbringing that says that he needs to do different things as a GUEST than as a HUSBAND.

The other part is that he may not feel like he has as much to talk about with you as he does with them, after all, they haven't heard how he twisted his ankle running in the winning touchdown a thousand times, or whatever his favorite story to tell is.

He is staying at someone elses house, frankly, he ought to be kissing their butt just a little while he hunts for work.

On the other side of things, he really should talk to you more on the phone. My wife and I check in three times a day when we are apart, breakfast, dinner, then bedtime. Sometimes just for two minutes cause nothing interesting has gone on, but we do check in and exchange I love you's.

A hint to get him to do more and be more attentive around the house. Reward him a LOT when he does so. even the smallest thing, fawn all over him and tell him how much you liked it that he did something good. He'll get the point. (just don't do it sarcastically, be sincere about it.)

Answer 4

It could be because he feels like he owes them because they are doing him a favor. You have to deal with him because you guys are together. The being patient and caring is probably how he was when you first got together. If that is the case his true colors will show in time. The only thing that worries me is that he is blowing off your phone calls. How often are you calling? It sounds to me like he needs to get more appreciative towards you again. When he is appreciative he is caring and nice. Try waiting for him to call you. It may be hard but then he will know that you are not something he can take for granted. When he calls be as nice as you would like him to be when you call. If he asked why you haven't called just tell him you have been busy with the family.

Answer 5

No bashing girl....
I think it has to do with maybe a little jealousy and yes he may be doing more for them....but he is guest and may feel obligated to do the "extras" for them taking him in during this time. We are all on our best behavior and use our best manners when we are guest in other peoples homes....friends or not. So don't take it personal and stop riding him. He is just being a gracious guest and yes maybe going above and beyond but it shows that he appreciates his friends.
Don't' take it that he does not appreciate you...but we do tend to take the things we have all the time for granted. So don't be to hurt. Just try and understand from his perspective and suggest that he it would make you feel extra special if he could maybe do some of those things for you...and also do a little something more for him!!!!

Answer 6

Ok, here it is. It sounds like he is staying with this couple while he searches for work right. If this is so, he probably feels obligated to carry his load. At home, do you nag him to do things and make him feel like it is his job to get these chores done? If you do, that may be why he is unlikely to do it for you. I understand you want to check in with him on a daily basis, but it may feel to him like you are checking up on him because you have no trust. Give him a breather. Let him call you. Once you stop calling he will begin to think----Hum, I haven't heard from my wife in a day or so I wonder what she has been up to and then he will be giving you a call to check up on you. Don't let on that you are upset because that will give him more pleasure. Play it cool even though it burns you up.

Answer 7

Try and get a chance to talk to him and tel him that it`s b/cs of what the two of you had been through that he decided to go job hunting and now that there is a solution to ur problems why must he take a different path,or has he made you one the problems you had or is he one of those who runs away when the going gets tough and thinks that the sun wil always shine one side and not the other some day.

Answer 8

I think he's just trying to be accommodating to the people he's staying with. (with out them where would he be on the street?) I'm sure he loves you but is also stressed out about the living arrangement and being away from you! he probably really misses you and wants to be with you but can't at this time and it probably makes him irritable. Give him some leeway and just let him know how much you love him! I hope your feeling better soon :)

Answer 9

He is in a new situation and is on his best manners. This is why he is doing the things he would not do at home. He needs to remember that his family is back home and need him. Maybe call the friends and have them remind him of his family?

Answer 10

Sorry to hear that .. i know it may be hard for you .. It seems that he is hapy with other family than his own family .. so im not sure what your personaility is like wwith him makes him feel no interest in commuicating with you and so forth .. Be more gentle and calm with him .. if u keep on being pushy about him that he likes the other family than your own family .. then its a question that u might will like to fly to Indiana to solve the problem and so on ... It seems that he is enjoying his new peace without you