Divorce the perfect man?

Question

I have been married for five years now, and since year two I knew in my heart it was a mistake. My husband is perfect and any women would be happy to have him. I on the other hand just want him to leave (which he never would dream of) do I tell him I want to leave and how do I do it, neither one of us can afford anything we have on our own, and the house will never sell for what we owe.
Should I just deal with it even though it just hurts us both in the long run? Our biggest problems is 1.) he wants kids and I don't and he begs for them all the time. 2.) he is not in love with me he is obsessed, which is also why I am debating, I think it would kill him.

Let me clarify, I have been to councling and read so man books. I take my vows seriously that is why I have not cheated. His obsession is just that, if he goes out of town he calls my mom to tell her I will be staying there the whole time, then I can;t tell my mom NO b/c she is sooo happy I am staying (I can go on and on about that kind of thing) the kid thing we talked about and he knew from the get I didn't want them, now he says things like well if you loved me you would..and that is what I am talking about when I say obsessed, I have to come home right from work, If i meet a girl friend, we have to go over there as a couple and then he will let me know if he trust "her" enough for me to hang out w/o him (which is never the case) He is a great man, works hard, always says how pretty you are, wants all your attention. But I believe its b/c he doesn't trust me, not b/c he really loves me. He even gets mad if I talk to his brother w/o him being home, and he is married.

Answer 1

Sorry but you're a dumba** - why would you marry him in the first place? I'm so sick and tired of people getting married just because they have nothing better to do. What happened to people taking their vows seriously? I hope if you do leave him, he takes you for everything you're worth! Do you know how many women are out there who would just love to have a man like yours? Do you?! Apparently not or else you wouldn't be so selfish. Atleast you recognize that you don't want kids...so don't. But I'm suprised (maybe I shouldn't be) that you didn't discuss this BEFORE getting married. Whatever!

Second post: There you go again, rambling on about how imperfect he is when your question is about "divorcing the perfect man". I'm not denying that things may have changed for you but what I am denying is that it can't all be him - you have done some changing as well. Either way, you married him and you need to stick it out. This is why I asked the question I did - things change honey, people change...part of getting married and taking vows seriously is accepting that things won't be the way they were when you got married. Sounds to me like you can't accept that things have changed and rather than turn the spotlight onto you, you blame him for everything. Either way, I still say - "Whatever!"

Answer 2

There is no such thing as perfect, and there are times in life when we need to compromise and work with what we have.

First of all, did you even ask yourself what you wanted out of a relationship and partner before you married your husband? It seems that you keep gushing about how perfect he is, but it's obvious you're not buying that he's perfect for you. You see, there's such a thing as complementing each other, and balancing each other out. Ask yourself what things you balance out and the things you don't.

Secondly, I don't know why you can't tell your husband to wait on children. I knew someone who was married for more than 15 years and the wife didn't want any kids until recently. The husband was understanding and waited patiently. You might say you don't want any kids right now, but people grow and change. Never end your sentences with a period.

Thirdly, I don't understand this whole 'he is obsessed' thing. If you ask any woman, they would prefer to be loved more, rather than be loved less. I think you're just exaggerrating a bit and just finding little things to nitpick so you will have enough reason to leave him.

I honestly think all your problems are minor and could be worked out if you had better communication with your husband. If you say he loves you too much, then I don't see any reason why he wouldn't say yes if you told him you wanted to go into couples therapy with him.

Answer 3

Hul,

what made you decide that two years ago that it was a mistake?
Does this mean that it was a mistake from the very beginning but you chose to ignore and hope that it would go away, or that you wanted the fairytale wedding or thought that you might be left on the shelf? (these are more rhetorical questions and are not supposed to be a dig at you for I do not know your background).
Or did something happen two years ago that changed your mind on this "perfect man". You need to remember that nobody is perfect. We all have faults. His is he wants children. Yours is you do not. Is this something that can be reconciled? If it is then do. If not then you both need to discuss your future together. It is unfair for both of you to be unhappy for ever if there is no extenuating factors to keep you together. With respect to him being obsessed. Is this him being over enthusiastic in showing how much he loves you. If it is then that's OK. If it is more psychotic. Then you do really need to leave him. And make sure that he can't find you.

Answer 4

some people fall out of love just as quickly as the fell into it. Maybe you was intereseted in the idea of marrying but not totally committed. This may also have something to do with ur age. Think about that. I think u knows hes a good man and thats why u stay, but u could try having some time alone week or 2 then you will know in ur own mind what YOU! truely want. Dont have kids if ur not 100% as it will involve them too at some point.

Answer 5

I have been exactly where you are at and I packed up and left. first i did not want children and he constantly reminded me that he wanted them. #2. the longer you wait the more you will resent him. your finances can be fixed apart. Sell the house while the market is in the sellers favor right now. Then sit down with a lawyer and divide your assets. You wont believe the peace of mind you will have once you end the torment you are in. Leave him and tell him why. I say you leave because if you don't he won't. Obsession can be dangerous. LEAVE NOW. Dont have any children with this person. you have tried for 5 yrs and it has not worked so It won't work 5 yrs from now. GO GO GO>>>>

Answer 6

Sounds like the same mumbo-jumbo my ex-wife laid on me to explain why she wants to leave me. "Let me get this straight. I'm the perfect husband ... just not for you." WTF? So are you looking for less than perfect? I don't get it. What you need is family therapy or one-on-one psychotherapy for yourself. Right now, you have nothing and no concrete reason. Divorce is the last resort. I've said it time and time again here, exhaust all your resources before thinking of divorce. Don't be a quiter. Tons of people here will tell you here that you will find someone else and to leave him.

I don't want to make your mind more stressed than it already is but I'm a believer of looking at all sides of the story: What if you NEVER find the ONE or the ONE turns out to be or been the "perfect man"?

BTW, since you've been married for five years and am feeling this way, do yourself a favor and search the web for this term: Seven year itch. Read up about it. Seek counseling for your feelings. Seriously, you got married for a reason. If you call him "perfect" that's coming from your perspective and no one else. There's a reason he's "perfect" in your eyes.

BTW, his "obsession" sounds like co-dependency. Look that up and suggest he get help for that. It's a relationship killer also.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I can't believe I just read this............
I swear that this is my life........
I don't' even know where to begin because my dilemma is exactly the same......the house we just bought, me not wanting to have a kid from him, and yeah financially together we are great. And yes everybody would think I'm a mad women for leaving....but I know to I made a mistake. I am dealing with it as best as I know how....and it's not the best way.....i actually cheat on him and just have drove my self to have distance from him. He does not know about this.....but I think one thing different may be we don't' have sex. Hence the cheating.
But you know what......and this is crazy that I found this question today because instead of being unhappy and feeling a made terrible mistake I told my self I'm going to be proactive in my happiness and not put it on him anymore. I made an appointment today to see a therapist, because you know what unhappiness is a symptom to a greater illness, and the easy thing would be to put on the person closest to us and not look deep inside. I don't have the answer to your question ....let alone mine, but I'm starting a journey to sure find out!
And maybe he is not obsessed ...he is afraid because his love for you runs much deeper than yours....and he knows it....my hubby is the same.
Good luck

Answer 8

You married him and have stayed married for 5 years. The kid thing is a big deal. But after 5 years of marriage obsession would have worn off. So he must love you! Think about it....I mean really think about it. Why did you promise forever, better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part? Was it to leave 5 years later?

Answer 9

SWEETHEART - STEP BACK, TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR LIFE,AND REALIZE IT WILL ALWAYS BE THIS WAY UNTIL THE DAY YOU DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT. IF YOU WEREN'T HAPPY YESTERDAY, AND YOU ARE NOT HAPPY TODAY, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WILL BE HAPPY TOMORROW? THE UNHAPPINESS WILL KILL YOU - NOT HIM. DON'T FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE THE LOVE CHANGED. THE ONLY THING CONSTANT IS CHANGE. LET GO OF YOUR EGO WITH THE MATERIAL ITEMS. LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY. WHY DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU ARE ENTITLED TO MAKE MISTAKES. HE IS A MAN. THE WHOLE GENDER WAS A MISTAKE. THEY ARE STUPID AND G_D MUST HAVE BEEN HUNG OVER THAT DAY. IF HE IS SO GREAT WHY DON'T YOU SET HIM FREE TO BE TRULY LOVED BY SOMEONE ? ( LOGIC ) MEN ARE BUILT ON LOGIC NOT EMOTION. TREAT IT LIKE A BUSINESS DECISION. YOU CAN BE YOUR OWN MAN AND STILL LOOK LIKE A WOMEN. AIN'T IT GREAT. THEY GOT THE PENIS AND WE GOT THE BRAIN. GOOD LUCK AND DON'T WORRY

Answer 10

If he's "perfect", why divorce him? I see no reason for you to break your promises to him. So put off kids for awhile. I agree 100% that if you are in this place, DO NOT bring kids into it. But real marriage is not a "fairy tale" or a "happily ever after." It takes work. It's about adult commitment. We don't promise to love until we change our mind or to honor unless we get bored. You have given no valid reason to shatter your family. Every marriage in the real world goes through these times. It's sticking through them that makes marriage better in the long run. It's the lessons you learn now and carry with you into your future that makes you perfect for "each other!" Every marriage goes through something like this at some point. Every one! People who walk out never learn how to get beyond to the good times. I promise honey, if you stick with it and give it your best 150%, it will get better. But you have to talk about it, and NEVER say the "D" word in your discussions. If you say it, you'll talk yourselves into a very bad decision. Instead, concentrate with him openly and gently on what you feel is missing in your marriage, and work together to fix it.