My hubby has been chatting on sex chat lines for about 7 years on and off. Keeps saying he wont anymore. help!

Question

Well to start off I had a baby at 17 and got married right after I turned 18. Weve been married 9 years now. I first found out about him calling sex lines in 1999. Since then I have caught him numerous times using his phone, my phone, his Moms phone, His Brothers phone and God knows who elses phone. Everytime he does it I tell him that the next time it is over and it never is. Recently I have been doing a lot of research and I came to the conclusion that he has a problem. When I confront him with this or my feelings I get blamed. He says that I am half to blame. I finally grew a back bone and was on the verge of leaving. He used to always tell me to leave or threaten that he was leaving and I would always stop him. Now I tell him to leave and he can see how unhappy I am. He is totally kissing my butt now and promises me the world. I dont think I can forgive him or trust him again. Without that what do we have? We have 2 kids 2 and 9 and I feel so bad for them. I am so unhappy! Help!

Answer 1

I understand your pain. MY husband has a porn addiction. We have been married a short time and he hasn't viewed it since we've been married (I think). He had a serious problem. After threatening to leave he began hiding it. I would always find it. Let me say this. It's not you. It's him. It's an addiction. In the same breath I must say, just because he has an addiction it isn't fair that you have to suffer the conequences. We feel like it has to do with us or our satisfying him. It's not. Our self-esteem becomes affected. After a while you don't even want to have sex with them because you think they are thinking of the other person or people. Why should we fo through that? We not only suffer emotionally and mentally, but we usually aren't sexually satisfied. I would say think about it. If I find porn in my home again, I will leave my husband. It's the same as cheating. Any sexual experience involving someone other than your spouse is cheating. They say we don't understand and there isn't anything wrong with it. Well, if you don't care that your actions are hurting or violating your partner, obviously your love for your own self-gratification is more important than the love for your spouse. You are important. There are lots of men out there who can satisfy you, who don't have perverted addictions.

Answer 2

It sounds like he has a problem but I wouldnt throw in the towel just yet. My hubby is obsessed with porn and after 7 years I feel that I am fed up to. I would try to talk to him calmly and ask him exactly what he gets out of it. It probably stems from some juvenile fantasy and has nothing to do with not being satisfied with you. Maybe he would like you to talk dirty to him in bed? or leave him prvocative messages on his phone? I have been with my hubby since I was 17 and I know that we both have our own little harmless fantasies. Tell him this is a costly habit of his and you would like to replace the 900 numbers and be his real life phone sex operator. Give it try, at least a last stitch effort before you call it quits.

Answer 3

Your question intreged me. And I would like a chance to give some helpful advice.I am no expert but will give this a shot.. From what you mentioned, You still love him, And I believe in his own way he still loves you too. I think he might have gotten on this cybering as a fluke at first from boredom. Men like varitiy. I think he may have felt he was missing out on something. Even if he wasn't. I sugguest, you be willing to try something different with him. See if your parents would take the children for a week end. You make a reservation in a nice hotel or something nice you can afford. Buy something very sexy and show your man, He has no reason to look else where as he has a sexy and willing wife waiting for him at home to turn on the charm and show him what she is made of. Do not be afraid to try new things, as I believe in a marriage nothing is taboo. Live out your deepest fantacies and pour on the charm. Always have open communication with one another and tell each other what you like and don't like. Never argue, But be loving and nurturing and I find what helps with me, is starting out with scented candles, a little champaige or wine, romantic meal, and relax one another with soothing massages, bathe together, this can be very erotic and sentual and feed one another, caress one another and share your fantasies together. Let your heart lead the way. Cheers to you both and a happy remending of the marriage

Answer 4

I feel for you. Your husband needs counseling. What he is doing is commiting adultry. I'm not a Bible thumper but I believe if he will ask Jesus to help him with his problem that He will.
I've been married 5 times and most of my divorces were directly connected to adultry. Had we been in church and living the life God intended for us as a married couple the divorces and adultry would never have happened.
If he doesn't change, I think, you should divorce him. Life is too short to be unhappy. God bless you.

Answer 5

If you have told us the full story, then yes, there is a serious problem.

What I do not understand is why couples do not try a counselor first? If you want to salvage your marriage, then go to a professional, and see if they can help you.

If you do not have the money to hire one, your local churches of pretty much any faith should have somebody that can help as well.

If he refuses, well at least you can say you tried to "fix the problem" instead of just rushing into a divorce.

Answer 6

Sounds like your spouse is a sex addict. Listed below are some websites that might be able to assist you and your husband. I would also seek professional help. If you can't afford it try checking with your EAP (Employees Assistance Program) they usually provide a set number of free sessions.

Here are some websites for you both:

http://www.themarriagebed.com/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/...
http://www.family.org/married/
http://www.recovering-couples.org/...

Here are some websites for your husband:

http://www.sexhelp.com/
http://www.sexaa.org/
http://www.bebroken.com/
http://sexualrecovery.org/

Here's are some websites for you:

http://www.cosa-recovery.org/home.html... - Codependents of Sexual Addiction (COSA): For friends and family members whose lives have been affected by another person's compulsive sexual behavior.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/new...

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I wish you the best of luck sexual addition is very hard to deal with.

Answer 7

Hm mm.... I understand what you are going through. Its hard to believe someone after they have broken the trust bond. That's a tough situation. Obviously, he has no remorse whatsoever and no shame if he is using his mom's phone.

I would ask him what he is looking for when he makes the call. Ask him to think of his kids. Would he feel comfortable calling those numbers if his kids were right in front of him?

Answer 8

Your hubby sounds like every other disgusting, perverted man I know. Unfortunately, good men are few and far between. Dump his *** and move on...you're better off. You need to get a back bone and mean what you say when you say it! Next thing he'll be doing is visiting prostitutes!!! I've been there...

Answer 9

He's addicted. If that's the main thing wrong, just let it be. If it's costing too much money, see if you can get it on a budget. On the it's-half-your-fault crap, don't take that. Don't blame him any more than you'd blame him if he had cancer. Go get pastoral counseling or psychological counselling for yourself if you think it could help

Answer 10

Sometimes people stay with their mate because of the children, but if you are always unhappy with each other then it is best to go your seperate ways. Good Luck on your situation