Me and my husband have only been married 2 years, and we already have many marital problems. We are constantly butting heads because he acts very immature. Lately, he has been staying out late to work on his race car, and football season will start soon, which will make him gone more often. We have a son, and he doesn't want me working right now, because he wants me home. I don't get any time to myself, and I'm going crazy. Our intimate relationship sucks because I'm so tired when he gets home, and he is pushing me further and further out of our marriage, and doesn't even understand. I don't want to live life being miserable, but is love enough to make a marriage work?
2006-07-27 08:18:44 · 57 answers · asked by ll22 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Marriage takes commitment and hard work even more than it takes love. And since you are the one asking, I will tell you some things that you can do that can help strengthen your marriage (if I were addressing your husband, I would tell him things he can do--it's a two-way street).
Okay, you can't control that he acts immature, but you can avoid butting heads over it. Nagging is really not an attractive quality, and I very much doubt it is what made him fall for you in the first place.
So you are staying at home with your son. Make some plans that help you avoid going crazy. Get out of the house with him and make some friends with other moms of young kids. You can do that through community classes, churches in your area, groups like MOPS, and even just by hanging out at your neighborhood park. Plan your day so that you have times when you clean or do laundry, times when you play with your son, and a time when he takes a nap and you do something for yourself. Even if he won't sleep for a nap, you can establish a "quiet" or "resting" time when he stays in his bed or even just in his room
Your intimate relationship sucks because there is a lot you need to talk about with your husband. He needs to know you are frustrated and struggling. And you need to tell him without nagging. My husband and I go out on a "date" once a week for this purpose. We do something together without the kids, it doesn't have to be expensive, and we talk. During the week I greatly look forward to our planned date.
Make sex a priority, even if you are tired. It really is much more imporant than sleep. Your husband will be happier and more confident in your marriage if your sex life is great. It's the most important way that you remind him that you love him and that he is the only man for you. Don't neglect it.
What are those things you used to do in the beginning when you were so in love? Do those things again. Just plan them into the schedule. If you feed your love by giving thought, attention, and energy to showing your husband you love him, your love will grow. And it is very likely his love for you will grow--it is very difficult to resist someone who truly loves you.
It's time to regroup and refocus--not to give up.
2006-07-27 08:36:15 · answer #1 · answered by happygirl 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
NO as sad as it may be i learned that love is not always enough u also need compromise and security, so just make sure ur husband knows how ur feeling, if he shows no interest try showing none back and trust me he will go running after u, dont nag him of ask him a mill questions, be like hi honey bye honey and do your thing pick up crafts and stuff to do while your home, and trust me from experience it works, once they feel ignored they start crawling back, but if they feel nagged or that ur alawys on his back then he will resent that and push u away, just take care of your son have fun with him enjoy him give it some time and see what happens. its ur second yr of marriage and this usually happens around this time because the first yr is great as u guys are exploring new things with each other and its fresh, now u have a child very early in the marriage and its causing stress between u to, just give it some time and it will be ok keep yourself busy
2006-07-27 08:27:47 · answer #2 · answered by jm 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is important to remember that love is an action verb. If you both do not actively love you will end up with love in the past tense.
The idea that being "in love" is what marriage and relationships is all about is a myth manufactured to sell movies and television soap operas.
Children are hard work too and many of us, while we want to be different than our parents, end up being our parents when we have kids. We need help to learn skills and good habits (or unlearn bad ones) to keep our relationships solid.
It sounds like you may both be living a married singles lifestyle. This will not work. You need to return to actively loving each other.
By actively loving each other you continue to be "in love" If you do both want this to work, but have been unable to figure out how to do this, I've provided some links to helpful materials below.
Retrouvaille is a volunteer organization started by the Catholic church. It begins with an intensive weekend retreat where couples learn the things their parents never taught them about marriage and relationships. It is a very good program and is world-wide
The five languages of love is a talk presented by Dr. Gary Chapman. It can help people learn how the different ways we express our love to our partners and others can be missed if we are not looking for the right cues.
Dr. Chapman also has other good talks on marriage and relationships.
Harville Hendricks imago theory is about helping people understand why they pick the partners they do and how we can work towards staying in love.
My husband and I have found these very helpful for maintaining our relationship.
I have been with the same man for 23 years now (married almost 18). It takes both people to make this work.
best of luck,
cez
2006-07-27 08:55:17 · answer #3 · answered by cezzium 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds all to familiar. I have only been married for almost 5 yrs. I let a lot of things go and unsaid and now, I am in a position for I do not know what to do... He has gone off to a new job and is in trianing and then we are to relocate to a new state for a few yrs and so on. No it is not the military.. But close. If I would have spoke up about how I was feeling at that time, I would not be in this situation at all. Right now, I am sooooo confused. All I know is that there are plenty of people out there that we are compatiable with and it takes a whole lot more than just "love" to make it work... Espically if you were never really in love to begin with..
2006-07-27 08:25:50 · answer #4 · answered by sweet 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love isn't a fuzzy feeling in your tummy. Love is a choice you make every day. Some days it's easier to choose than others. That fuzzy feeling isn't enough to make a marriage last. You are past that honeymoon stage now. That fuzzy feeling comes and goes throughout any relationship. That is normal. It takes commitment and respect (choices to love). Both people need to have that relationship be a priority in their life. One person can't do it alone.
Getting into a blame game isn't going to get you two anywhere. If you want your marriage to work, you need to be on the same team. You need to sit down TOGETHER side by side... literally, physically, side by side as a team, looking in the same direction at the problems in front of you instead of in between you. Lay them out on the table in front of both of you. Don't make the problems ABOUT the other person, use language like "when this happens, or is said I feel... and it isn't working because..."
Sometimes, it's easier for a person to understand how detrimental their behavior is when you explain to them how it is negatively effecting THEM instead of how it is effecting YOU or others.
Don't talk if you can't truly hear what the other person has to say because you are upset.
It may be helpful to set times and time limits to these conversations you two need to have. There may be just too much stuff to resolve all in one sitting. Pick one topic at a time & don't get into tangents about things that don't directly involve that topic.
If you're having trouble doing this by yourselves, there is absolutely nothing wrong about seeking counceling to help you through the process. The point, is choice. Choosing to work on this together. Choosing to love.
2006-07-27 09:03:47 · answer #5 · answered by siddartha360 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have just described my life and my marriage. The only difference is mine isn't working on a race car, and we have 7 kids (3 his, 3 mine, and 1 ours together). He goes out of town almost every other weekend(a freind of his just moved away, and he goes to stay with him to party and get drunk). I am always here with the kids(his usually aren't here when he is gone), but even when he is home, he goes and does stuff(like to the races, or wherever). I haven't had a day to myself in atleast 18 months. WHen he is HOME, all he does is complain about the kids bugging him and watch tv. I can definitely understand how you feel, but I don't know the answer!!! I love him, but I was in a miserable relationship for 13 years before I met my current hubby, and don't want to waste anymore of my life or my kids'.
Contact me if you want, maybe we can figure this whole thing out!! Another person to talk to may be just what we both need!! My e-mail is carieabrown02@yahoo.com
2006-07-27 08:29:01 · answer #6 · answered by momx4 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love is enough to make a marriage work, but it doesn't sound like there is a whole lot of love there right now. Love is a lot more then a feeling, it is an action, a verb. Love is going all out for each other, and putting each other first. Your relationship may benefit from some good marriage counseling, or maybe you just need to have a good heart to heart talk. In any case if it is going to work, you will have to both look for ways to actively demonstrate love to each other.
2006-07-27 08:25:35 · answer #7 · answered by hutmikttmuk 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no love is not enough. It takes MUTUAL respect and understanding. Your husband doesnt sound like he is being sensative to your needs, if you guys have a communication problem and he will not listen or you possibly might not know how to communicate your problems right, then you should seek counceling. His hobbies are a bit immature, it is not right that he is involved with such time consuming things that do not really involve his family. If you guys cant get things on the right track, then I would have to suggest something serious. Sepperate! you dont know what you got until its gone. He is taking advantage of his family, and not treating them right. He'll miss you like crazy and want you to come home. Amd when he is crying and begging that is when you tell him what needs to change and what you need. If you are involved in the church they might have supportive groups, and couseling. And if you can get him to act like the man of the house should according to the bible than you should have many less problems
2006-07-27 08:28:58 · answer #8 · answered by k-ray 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Quit pointing your finger and go fix his racecar with him, watch football with him, invite him to do your things, THAT'S WHAT MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT!!!! Work together, talk out your problems, let him know what YOU want and listen to what HE wants. Have your intimate relations BEFORE he leaves to work on the racecar. Work around things. Think about ways to work together. Your marriage isn't over just because he likes football and racecars!!!!! I bet 50% of men like football and racecars but that doesn't mean their marriages suck. AND tell him you're NOT staying home while he's out - go find a hobby to do while he's doing his. Maybe something with a girlfriend but nothing like bars or anything that would cause an argument or fights. He is your husband and you are his wife, both of you need to respect each others feelings and I think things will work out if you talk and work together. Good luck!
2006-07-27 08:28:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is love? no...love is caring about a person and WANTING to be with them...we all need our space but your husband should be spending more time with you and knock off the bull**** with the boys. he also needs to get involved with his son and spend a lot of time with him. your husband is acting like he isn't married. who is in love here...you...him? if it is you i'm sorry. you have a child, you are married and if you divorce him it puts you very low on the eligibilty list to remarry. give this guy a wake up call by telling him that it is time to start acting like an adult...put his toys away and get his *** home where he belongs and start rebuilding a relationship with his family. if he is not willing to do this then get a lawyer and send him down the road while you are still young and can either build a life with a person who appreciates you or go back to school and make a career for yourself. its not going to get any better and what you have now is not love.
2006-07-27 08:43:16 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋