why does my husband mistreat me?

Question

my husband is 21 and im 18 and we have a 8 month old daughter. we have been married a year, but the whole time we have been married other than 30- days he has been in iraq. well i havent seen him in 8 months and he came home on r&r. well when he came home he was different. he would snap at me for little reasons and he would jump on me and beat me and choke me. he has almost snapped my neck twice and he told me if he really wanted to he could kill me. And when all is said and done and i am battered and bruised it really doesnt seem to bother him at all. i am very scared and i dont know what to do. i love him with all my heart and he says he is going to get counseling, but i done know if it will help. i need some advise.

Answer 1

Leave...and dont look back. Abuse is abuse if he has been in the military or not he needs to control himself.

Answer 2

Baby let me tell you. You can make him take counseling. You can file a protection order, and you have the choice to have him removed from you home, or a court order for counseling. This can be done. Just call your local court house. They will tell you the steps to be taken. He is not well right now. When my husband was in the military he killed people for a living. He didn't know who they were, and why he had to do it. He was told what to do it and he did it with no questions. The training they put those guys through is serious stuff. It's like they are being brain washed. When my husband came home the first time he attacked a man in a restaurant because he was being an a hole to the waitress. He beat him pretty badly. People not just a person had to pry him off the guy. Something in their mind clicks and they become this killing machine. Counseling and lots of it will help over time. It's not going to change over night.

Answer 3

You and your husband are very young, and perhaps got married for the wrong reason. The fact that he uses his fist to relieve tension does not bode well for you. Being a military man, he is used to being aggressive and for the most part it is expected. However, aggression at home is a different story, especially when it involves loved ones. Unfortunately the military usually falls short on deprogramming the guys they program to kill. As for his change, it is the reflection of the things he has witnessed, and wars are not pretty.
Your best move for now would be to gain some distance in the relationship, and perhaps examine your feelings further. It won't be easy for either of you, but it will only get worse the longer he waits to get help. He will kill you, and perhaps your daughter, unless you break away. There is no excuse for abuse of any kind in any situation, if he strikes you again, call the police and notify his C.O. Then move out and make sure he can't find you. He believes he is the one in control, and will do anything to maintain that control as long as you allow it. Love does not enter into it, right now it just a case of survival.

Answer 4

He mistreats you because:
-- he's an idiot
-- he's just come from a war zone, and is probably emotionally troubled and scared but won't admit it
-- you let him

You should walk out the door, NOW. Go live with your parents (and DO take your child!). Tell your husband you're not coming back until AFTER he's had counseling, then the two of you have had counseling together, and you're absolutely sure he'll never harm you or your child again. If he does anything violent to you in any way, call the police, file charges, and see it through to the end. It's only in him facing the consequences of his actions that he'll really learn how serious they are and that he has to do something about them, or he'll lose you and his daughter.
You don't have to put up with being beaten or abused in any way. Leave until he gets help.
Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

I'm sorry to hear your situation. It could be a few things, one - He may still be stressed out from where he just came from, (Iraq), and worried about his fellow troops in his squad. Two, he may feel trapped down, both of you being so young, and altering your life's and career dreams is a hard thing when you get a chance to look at things. Three, he may have meant some one else, or listening to his fellow soldiers stories about their girls/wife's, that sometimes makes a guy do dumb things. Or it could be you, if you don't look the way you did before, (maybe because you are busy being a mother). He may want to see that same girl he meant a while a go.

Counseling, is a good start, remember, the baby comes first, but don't argue with him, listen to him, he has needs, see what they are, and try to help him/you through them. Last but not least PRAY about the situation, God can do wondrous things.

Answer 6

I think the R & R he needed when he came home was really for a hospital. He probably went through a lot and that is no excuse for hurting you physically. I know you love him but you need to get out of there --- go to a shelter or something. He could end up killing you. You know yourself what type of person he really is (we don't) -- if he changed that much since going to Iraq, someone needs to get him in a hospital under a court order or something. Is this what is coming home from Iraq now? Young/angry men who are going to have to suffer while living after others died? Wow.

Answer 7

You are the mother of an 8 month old.
You are no longer living for yourself, you are living for your child.
You need to ditch the dude.
He may have been under a lot of pressure, and he may have been stressed but his beating you is unacceptable. There is no excuse for him not being able to control his anger.
He needs help, but he threatened you and he beat you, so your problem is not that he needs help, your problem is that you, and your daughter need help.
Get out now, and by the way, next time somebody hits you, call the cops, they need to go to jail, you can't allow them to think that they can get away with hitting you. You can't let them not suffer the consequences of their actions as in "gee, I didn't want to get him in trouble". He got himself into trouble. You can't hang around and hope it doesn't happen again. There is no "going to get counseling" he either is in counseling or he's not. Until he is in counseling you, and the baby don't need to be anywhere near him.

Answer 8

Girl you need to get out of that relationship. No one, not even a cheater,slut, you name it, deserves to be treated that way. I've always told my boyfriends in the past and still tell my husband, "if I were to ever leave you, it would be if you ever beat me". You have to have pride in yourself. Pride is something no one not even him can take from you and you have to open your eyes and look into the future, do you really want to raise your baby girl with a man like this? Is this the life you want for you and her?
There is so much help out there, in this time and date you don't have to stay with a man because of the kids, that's bull ****. Who cares what your parents,sister, people in general are going to say, they aren't the ones taking the hits, you are. Get your game face on and put your dukes up and do something now before it's too late. Good Luck!!

Answer 9

Well, this is abuse, plain and simple. You need to
protect yourself first. If that means moving out,
then move out.

Now, that being said, that doesn't mean you should
just forget him. He may be the way he is as a
consequence of post traumatic stress disorder or
some other effect of having seen action.

If he commits assault, he needs treatment as
soon as possible - but while that's going on,
you should not remain around as a punching bag.

Remember, you can still love somebody and
not spend any time in the same room with them.
Also remember that as a result of PTSD, he
may hurt himself (e.g. suicide).

Find out if this is as a result of seeing action.
Do not abandon him - but don't let yourself
be a target either.

If it really comes down to a choice between
making sure he gets help and making sure
you are safe - make sure you are safe.
Your daughter trumps all of the above.

Answer 10

please leave and take your baby. your husband has seen or been forced to do some terrible things in Iraq. my son is about to leave on his second tour there. when he left the first time he was a good kid, 19,.. always had a bible in his pocket. he came home and he was totally different. he cursed, drank, dipped, smoked and yelled allot. he's been home a year now and things have gotten somewhat back to normal but I'm afraid of what this 2nd time around will do. with your love, support and some counseling your husband came come back to being who you fell in love with. until then, he is a danger to you, your baby and himself. for every ones sake go and stay with someone for a while. I'll be praying for you and your family. what our troops are seeing and doing is affecting them all.

Answer 11

Being over in Iraq could have something to do with the way he's been acting. All the stress from being over there may be coming home with him. He could also be doing that stuff to you because he has no self confidence and that makes him feel better about himself beating up on you. Talk to him about it and if you don't like what he's doing, tell him that if he does it one more time, you're out of the relationship and it would be better for your daughter if you got out before he starts mistreating her.