How do you stop being so angry?

Question

I have an ex husband and I absolutely despise him. He's caused nothing but problems since we've been divorced. He was a lousy husband, and the cheapest b@stard you've ever known, and so pathetic in bed, it was laughable. We have 2 kids, so I still have to deal with the creep a lot more than I want to. He just makes life so miserable, that I've decided not to speak to him again unless absolutely necessary. He just makes me upset and cry every time. God I hate him. How do I deal with this? How do I get over this..and let the anger go? Are there ways to learn to deal with and handle bad feelings like this towards someone? I just want him out of my life forever, and once my kids are grown, I'm hoping that will be the case..I never want to speak to him again as it is after how he made me feel the last time. How do you cope with really hating someone and not let it consume you?

We had a really bad marriage since 1998, separated in 2002, divorced in 2003, and I live 5000 kms away from him and he still makes me upset every time we talk. I just hate him so much! I have a great guy now by the way, been engaged to him for a couple years now.

And, I NEVER speak poorly of their father to my kids. This is between him and me. I don't involve them, so don't tell me to grow up, you don't know the situation.

Answer 1

Allow yourself to be angry at him and the situation for a while. Get it out of your system. Then, because you have to talk to him, treat him as a business associate that you're doing business with. Let your lawyer handle the messy details and try to move on with your life. It does, and will, get better.

Answer 2

They say it is a thin line between love and hate. Obviously, you haven't quite gotten over the relationship. I also have an ex-husband that I share two kids with. We had a very ugly divorce. He cheated (repeatedly) and left me to move in with (and eventually marry) his best friend's wife. We have butted heads over everything from child support and visitation to what movies are appropriate for the children to watch.

The best thing you can do is remember that this man did give you two beautiful children and they can see your frustration with their father. These children are half you and half their father. For their sake, you need to let this anger and hatred go. Either find a friend, a minister or a shrink to talk to, take anger management courses, find God, do something to work through this.

The important thing is to realize that (1) you are not doing your kids any favors by haboring such feelings about their dad; (2) you are not doing yourself any favors either; and (3) you are wasting way to much time and energy on somebody you don't even like.

You are feeling anger, frustration and hostility but it isn't bothering him at all. Just you and the kids. So why do it? You will be okay, just let it go. Being right isn't that important.

Answer 3

How long have you been divorced? The greiving process can last up to 5 years and anger is a very important step and it takes awhile to move on. Of course you are angry - I went through the same thing, so much pain and sorrow - sometimes I would think it would be better if he had died. Then I realized how selfish that is. I began to think of the kind of example I was setting for our children, yes we were not in love anymore - but our children who see and hear all - they still loved us both....equally. As hard as it is to accept your children love him and need him. I realized I needed to maintain a decent realationship for the sake of my children. Children learn so much from us - do I want to teach my children the art of forgiveness or the ugliness of hatred. I began to do good for him - when we spoke instead of focusing on my feelings for him I would focus on the children and tell him all about what they were doing and interesting things they said. When they made crafts I made sure they gave some to him. Over time I did forgive him and I felt freed from hatred and so much lighter and happier. It did take time and alot of tears and I sought counselling so I could vent my feelings and have another person talk sense to me - keeping me grounded. Friends make great sounding boards too. Eventually after 3 years of us being seperated we actually reconciled. I understand we are a rare case and it still is by far a perfect marriage but we are happy to be back together. It can be a scary thing to think how far hatred can drive a person and the wedge it can put between a couple.

Answer 4

Well........ getting him out of your life forever isn't going to be the case, but wishful thinking never hurt anyone.

First of all you don't need to talk to him at all except for where your kids are concerned. If he is bothering you that much, above and beyond the kids, get a PPO so he can't come near you and the closet he can come is to the curb when he picks up the kids for visitation.

The hate will go away with time, it isn't going to happen overnight and you both being angry towards each other does nothing to help the kids cope with your divorce. You two are grownups and need to get a long for your children's sakes as YOU BOTH are their parents.

What you are doing to your children is wrong, you need to keep your differences aside when being around them or you are only harming them inside, in the long run.

You both need to grow up before your kids end up hating you both. And they will.

Answer 5

If you are dating another person, then you need to concentrate your positive energy on that relationship and most important the relationship with your children. If you do these things and take care of your self first you will not have any time for energy for hatred. If you continue down this path, it will hurt you more and more physically, mentally and emotionally and will take it's tole.

Try a Divorce counseling group also. You may have something in common with someone there that you can share thoughts with.

Good Luck

Answer 6

Don't take depakote or medication. Try This:

http://www.womensmedia.com/seminar-anger.html

Join an anger group.

http://au.dir.groups.yahoo.com/dir/Health___Wellness/Stress_Management

Swim in the lake or a pool. Run. Stretch. Scream.
Meditate. Yoga.

http://stress.about.com/od/yoga/

http://www.apparenting.com/why_are_exhusbands_sometimes_such_jerks.html

You won't like this but it is true. You will tend to go with the same type again. Get counselling, and work the issues out so that you can accept a decent man into your life, and not another jerk.
There are decent men out there, and just like decent women, they are seldom in bars, but can be found volunteering, or in a store buying groceries.
Okay? Good luck, and get a good one.

Answer 7

ok...first off YOU NEED TO GROW UP!!!!!! second GET OVER URSELF. third i am sure you bad mouth ur x in front of ur kids...worng impression to leave for them...that is their father bottom line...they need to form their own opinion to their dad. also somewhere down the line the 2 of you were in love...i mean you both created two kids....i know if you were not in love the proccess of making babies would never happen...SO STOP LYING!!! now the divorce process does bring out the uglyness in people...both parties just want to hurt the other, because they are hurting...AGAIN GROW UP!!!! if you want these feelings to go away then start acting like....state your business and then leave it alone. do not throw gas on a fire...if it becomes uncivil leave let the situation cool down. take a deep breathe try again...if the 2 of you cant make it happen then go to a medeator or counsler to help you act like adults. i am almost positive you half of the problem.....

Answer 8

i was in a similar situation, a long term relationship, broke up with the girl, felt miserable for ages. Then i started going to the gym, its amazing the clarity you can get when your focused on something else. Other things just seem to pop into your mind when your not thinking about them. After that i felt lot better about myself, self confidence rose again. Now im not saying going to the gym will work for you, but basically what im saying is find something you enjoy, prefereably something you have never done before, something you didnt do with your ex, that way its yours and it wont remind you of him. then after a while you will feel a lot better

Answer 9

I was discussing this question with my mom who happens to be here at this moment.

She said you are an 'enabler'. He has done so many bad things that you automatically feel negative everytime you come into contact with him. You expect to feel negative and angry with him no matter what. (I can relate...for many years I could not talk to my daughter's father who abandoned us without getting angry about something).

What we suggest: think of ONE good thing that he has done....just one. And concentrate on that. Then try to think of another one. Start looking for GOOD things that he does.

Also...there is an internal locus of control. What? You may say. Well, there are things that happen around us that trigger emotions inside of us and cause us to act a certain way. That is external locus of control. But INTERNAL locus of control is causing the emotions inside of YOU and then acting on those emotions. When you use your internal locus of control...you are taking more power within yourself and acting on your own power. Don't let him trigger you. Don't let him control you.

I do feel for you. I really do. Time does help. But just hang in there and be strong. Use that internal locus of control.

Answer 10

Since you have 2 children (and they are young), you're going to have to deal with him for awhile. You have to learn to deal with him. Have you thought about going to a therapist? You just went through a divorce. That would probably help you deal with your anger. When your children are older, you probably won't have to deal with your ex- husband as much, so at least you have that to look forward to. But I would get some counseling. Just to get you through your anger issues. Good luck and I hope things get better for you!