My husband...?

Question

I do not know what to do anymore. I have been with my husband for 4 years married 1 and I feel so depressed. He is a very controlling person, I feel like I can not do anything! Sometimes when I do some stuff to irritate him or offend him he gets violent and I feel worse. I sometimes think about divorcing him but I think that maybe I cannot get anyone better and will never find anyone else who will make me happy. I have given up on love and am sad about 95% of the time. We do not have any kids so what is tying him to me. I also do not want to go through the embarrassment of my family telling me I told you so because I went through so much to be with him. I gave up a lot and could have been living differently I changed so much but he has not. I am not trying to say I have no fault but I cannot even communicate with him. He is very thickheaded and always has an excuse or comeback pointing out my faults. He never admits he does anything wrong, he is in denial and blind...what should I do?

i am not letting others decide I just want another point of view besides my own.

Answer 1

You need not worry about what your family has to say, if your that unhappy I think deep down inside you know what you need to do. You said you went through so much for this man, so was he that way before? If not then ask yourself what has changed him or not changed him. He could have been this way but love has a way of blinding us and we only want to see what we want to, so don't allow this man to take more of your life and happiness then he already has. Take it from me you can be happy alone also. Not to say you won't get lonely at times, but never allow someone else to control your feelings and keep you unhappy because if he truely loved you he would want to make you happy. Of course he will never admit to his wrongs it will always be you and from this day on it will be you if you choose to leave. Don't panic when or if you choose to leave just make sure in your heart this is what you need or want to do. You can't change him and with age he will only worsen. You can find that person who will make you happy if you stop and think about what you really want out of life....happiness or sadness

Answer 2

If he is violent, you should leave him, no matter what the reason he gives for becoming violent. It will only get worse as time goes on--not better. Now is the time to leave BEFORE you have kids and things get much more complicated. Divorce will be easier and cheaper now than if you wait until later too.

Maybe your family will say ,"I told you," and maybe they will just be relieved to see you take charge of your life and make a wise decision. Don't let embarrassment keep you from doing the smart thing. That is a very immature attitude. You need to admit that this man is a poor husband and would be an even worse father.

After you have left, you need to seek support for your depression. You may find that a lot of these "low" feelings disappear when you are away from this man, but you may need some medical help. And you will need to find friends and family for support and encouragement.

Will you ever find someone else to love you? I don't know, but without this man talking you down, you can learn to love yourself. You can try new things and experience new successes and gain more confidence. You can use that confidence to support, encourage, and help others. These things will all make you more attractive and more likely to find a good marriage partner in the future.

Answer 3

I had the same problem. What you need to do is first see someone (psychologist)about your dependency (not wanting to leave your hubby). You should leave him. You will be better off with out him. You can occplish more. Your family will tell youI told you so but that goes along anything. That will always be there bu it isn't a big deal. What you need to focus on is his violence. If he continues in a physical manner you need to call the police or even call a neighbor so they can call the police for you. It cen be as easy sas asking your neighbor you call the police you they hear you arguing with your husband. My ex told my family I was doing drugs and a drug dealer and so forth. I have never done any of that but they believed him. They thought he was a good guy and I was a horrible wife, but in reality he was manipulative. I know exactly what you are going through. Get out NOW before something more serious happens. Your happiness is what matters not his. You can always find someone else as well. Women have this "power" when they are confident that men can't refuse. Sounds like your husband is control and all that because he is insecure and so he puts all that on you so he doesn't have to be bothered and always look the hero. Well screw him. Just leave. even if you don't get a divorce you should live somewhere else and reality will sink in and you will see how wonderful life is without him.

Answer 4

You have only been with him for four years and married 1. You said he's violent and you're sad 95% of time.It's time to leave. You deserve better and there is always someone out there looking to love someone else and you just have not found him yet. Years of trying to change him won't do because my mother has been with my father for 32 years and he is abusive physically, emotionally, sexually and he never admits to being wrong either, however; if he knows he was in the wrong- he will try to make up by being very nice and compassionate- which is not his character at all. Get out while you still have no real attachments to him- if you feel safer by getting a restraining order against him- do so- I would-- The only reason he points out your faults is so he still has the control on you- you are a bright person for seeing his faults before too long and you have the power to get out while you still can- violent people tend to berate their partners so they will stay and make them feel like they could not do anything without the help of this partner- You can- You need to stand on your own two feet- if not you could become part of a stat and become a dead person- You'll need to go through therapy to help you come completely out of this relationship. My prayers are with you.

Answer 5

I kinda know what your going through. My husband has the POTENTIAL of being violent when he gets mad and I make sure to point it out when he does b/c violence played a major part when he was growing up. I too have had violence in my life but I am VERY strong minded and if ANY male would try to hit me or violate me in any matter I would take it to the death in defending myself b/c I WILL NOT put up with that and my husband knows that. You really only have 2 options. I would advise you to see a marriage councilor w/ or without him. Tell her/him EVERYTHING and then maybe she could give you some tips on how to better handle him. Sounds like he has some MAJOR flaws and is in total denial about himself and his actions. I too am not happy in my marriage but for different reasons. My husband is more of a weakling and VERY immature and likes to be the center of attention all the time. And plus he totally has no idea on how to treat a women YOU ARE LUCKY b/c I have about to be 3 little ones with him and find it very hard to leave. YOU HAVE NO TIES so if your gut is telling you to RUN then RUN. NO MAN should ever treat a women that way. And who cares about the I told you so's, everyone makes mistakes, so swallow your pride, move on and create a better life for yourself. ONLY YOU can make this happen. Goodluck and God bless.

Answer 6

I apologize for doing this. It's never good for one to see their own words thrown back at them--but there is a reason. You said:
"I sometimes think about divorcing him but I think that maybe I cannot get anyone better and will never find anyone else who will make me happy."
Print this: No one can EVER make you happy! Never, no way. If you think they can, you're leaning on the wind. If you prefer being abused over being alone, you need to find out why you don't like the person you'd be with when you are alone. You seem sensitive, caring, I'd bet you are a good, valuable, worthwhile person. Assuming I'm right, don't you deserve better than what you've got?

Answer 7

i seriously girl think that you are a very nice person but no women ahould be treated this way from anyone specially your husband if you knew that he was like that then why did you married him in the first place. but hey love hurts sometimes,you need try to go to counceling together and see if he changes in a while and that doesnt help at all then i think that it would be better sometimes being alone then being tide to someone that is hurting you and not making you happy besides who cares of what other people say if you do leave him i told you so? thats none of their business and plus you dont live with them and i know you dont want to hear it from anyone but hey sometimes you have to make the right and wrong choices in life and they have to understand that when it doesnt work it just doesnt.so that my advice for you and good luck to you and find out about conceling fast.

Answer 8

I think you have answered your own question, you dont have to put yourself through this, if your husband will not at least meet you half why, what is the point in carrying, and being unhappy most of the time. You need to be on your on for a while, to get your self esteem back, some man like to knock it out of you. If your family loves you they will be happy you left, even if their not that is their problem. you can always find someone else. You cant stay in relationship for that reason anyway. Think yourself lucky you have not had kids with this controlling, nasty man.

Answer 9

When someone gets violent with you it is never your fault I dont care what you say or do it is wrong. Too many women end up in the hospital or the morgue when dealing with men like your husband. Get a divorce and get far away from this guy and believe me its better to hear your family say I told you so than to have them sobbing because there looking at you in a casket. You will find someone better, everybody has faults(and im talking about you) but nobody deserves abuse of any kind.

Answer 10

o m g, we must be related.....ok, first of all, all of his controlling efforts will make you lose your self-confidence. The fact that there aren't any kids involved is a huge benefit to you. I have a controlling husband too, and nothing i do for him is right. They will find fault in everything you do, keep that in mind. Even if it's the most perfect situation, there will always be something wrong... don't listen! Everyone has their good points and you have to have the confidence to know this. The reason that he puts you down is to keep you under his control. YOU DON"T NEED THAT. Best thing for you to do is to get a lawyer and get him out of your life....he will never, ever change, and will probably get worse with time.....Good Luck to you.....