I've done many things that I regret... How do I keep my past from haunting me?

Question

I am happily married and have a great job.. I am satisfied with my life. But I've done things in the past (like past relationships that I deeply regret, things I've done to my body and some excessive partying) that I can't really get over. My husband doesn't know about any of it (why should he since we weren't together at the time and alot of it would change his image of me) and I'm partly scared that he will find out.

But how do I get myself from feeling bad about what I did? It's not just guilt... it's wanting to go back and change things in my life. Is that possible? It's more than 'having been young and stupid'.

(please don't give advice like 'get therapy'...I won't really qualify for therapy... nothing really pathological about my psyche. and in terms of what I've done... some of it was promiscuity, and partying too hard.. I don't think details are necessary.

Please help!!

one of the things I regret is getting SURGERY... that looking back I really didn't need! youth is such a dangerous thing!! I brought on plenty of health risks and things I can not undo. At the time, I thought it was a great idea!

...the whole concept of confession!!??! Why tell a celebate guy about my freaky past?? If I wanted to pray, I would communicate with God directly and not through some old man. That is my opinion.

church> not thanks.

Answer 1

you can't change the past. just accept what has been and move on from there. there is no point in worrying about whether or not your husband will find out, if he does, he does, worrying about it will only ensure that you eventually betray your own secrets to him. let him believe what he wants if his beliefs are not negatively impacting your marriage or stifling your growth as a person and in your marriage. burdening him with a history with which he might have issues is just bound to cuase trouble

Answer 2

I'm the same way. I've done many things in the past that given another opportunity, wouldn't do again. But you see, I'm happy now. I love my fiance and I have three beautiful children (1 is a step-son). Everything I've ever done has gotten me to where I am today. One thing always lead to another and if any one of those things had changed, I wouldn't be where I am today. Think about it like that and you'll understand what I'm talking about. I don't want to go into too many details here but feel free to email me and I share with you my step-by-step reasoning for not regretting what I did in the past and smiling upon the person I've become because of it

Answer 3

If you are truly happily married, then your husband should be the one person you can talk to. Most people have done things in their past that they regret. The only true way to get over it (and forgive yourself) is to talk with someone who will listen, understand, and offer some advice.

As far as partying too hard...chalk it up being young and not knowing any better.

For the promiscuity, the best person would be your husband or pastor/priest. Hard to say more without understanding what your regrets are.
Good luck!

Answer 4

Are you serious? Don't suggest "get therapy"? You won't qualify? I don't recall a qualification round. So you already know the reasons that you were promiscious and partied too hard? If so, then why are you asking strangers for advice on Yahoo? You can ask a bunch of teenagers what to do, but not a professional? There is some underlying reason you did those things earlier in your life (maybe its as simple as your dad working long hours - you don't have to be a psychopath to go to therapy). I'm ignoring your request & telling you to seek professional help.

Answer 5

I'm sorry, why do you think that you don't "qualify" for therapy?
That's silly. Everybody qualifies.You don't have to be "pathological" to see a counselor.
A therapist isn't only available to prescribe drugs, an shock treatments to psychos.
They are a neutral party that you can describe your problem to, and they can offer a different perspective to help you come to a solution.
I think that you feel guilty because you've sorta lied to your husband, by omission. I think you're also feeling remorse. I think you also fear what your husband will do if he finds out that you weren't always prim and proper, and that you withheld this info.
Sorry that this isn't what you want to hear, but outside of coming clean to hubby, and asking for forgiveness how would you get past it? You can forgive yourself but the real issue seems to be the fear of what will happen if your husband discovers your past.
I think you should see a counselor just to hear some outside feedback. Not because I think you're a whack job.
Good luck

Answer 6

I hear ya. I think the real problem is not the things you have done in the past, but the fact that you are unwilling to let them go. The phrase "wanting to go back and change things in my life" is really telling in that aspect. You cannot go back to your past, but you can keep it alive by constantly revisiting the memories, the fantasies you have created about it in your mind and worst of all, the judging you have wrapped up in there. Listen, I too have a past. There was promiscuity, drugs, drinking, the works. But you should see me now. I'm one hell of a classy lady. I have used the experiences in the past to enrich my life. I am a better person because of the crap I went through. So, I would say to you, don't be so hard on yourself. Put forgiveness on the guilt and the shame. Forgive yourself. And every time you feel the past pulling at you, just say to it: "Oh, I know you're there. Bless you" and go on. Next time it pulls at ya, again: "Yes, you're there, I know. Bless you" and go on and on and on and on. Hey, it's over, okay. It's safe to let go.

Answer 7

This is a profound question. It shows growth and maturity. But it niggles away until it is answered.

When we do things that harm ourselves or others (even if its only emotionally) we lose a little bit of our self esteam. Over time this can build up and leave us feeling we need to deal with it to get back on the right path.

Many recovering alcoholics and drug addicts experience this and use the 12 Step Program of AA to help them find a way to cope. It may not be for you but it has worked for millions of others.

I cannot advise another - only share my own experience. I wrote an inventory of the things I had done that I was not proud of - the wrongs I had done. I shared this with a person who I could trust not to judge me but who would help me to learn and be healed by the process. In my case it was a member of AA with years of sobriety. Others use religious advisors or councilors. The Samaratins are a good choice as well.

Then I made a list of te people I had harmed. At first I had no intention of ever doing anything about the list. But just making the list was difficult and made me face some of my defects of character. So I guess I decided to address the defects first.

That was mostly Fear of People which led me to being agressive or manipulative and that in turn led to the harm that followed.

But a long time later I became willing to make amends to the people I had hurt the most. But I was advised to be careful not to cause any more harm in the process to them or myself.

One couple left me standing on their doorstep and wouldnt answer the door. But I had made my attempt and left a note saying I was sorry. They have every right not to accept my apology.

I had lost touch with many of the people I had harmed so I made amends by doing something good for my community to redress the balance. And I have helped a few people on this path and that too has restored some more balance.

Most people were very kind and forgave me - dismissing the incident - even though I know it hurt them at the time. Just saying sorry and working to grow so I dont repeat my mistakes is more than enough for most people. BUt even when I couldnt face some people just doing something good to make amends has helped my heart to heal and grow.

My partner doesnt know about most of these. It would cause unnecessary pain. And a lot of the incidents on my original list didnt need any action - I was being very hard on myself.

Dont know if any of this helps. But I finally cleared the wreckage of my past and now I can look the world in the eye and fear nobody.

I still make mistakes and hurt people - but now I try to make amends as soon as possible - not because I am good - because I want to stay happy!

And answering this question honestly is part of that ongoing process too I guess.

Answer 8

If matters are well now, why must the beyond hang-out you? The first-class factor to do is to allow cross of the beyond, on account that that's precisely wherein it must keep, IN THE PAST. Move ahead, into the long run. The 2 of you obtained again in combination for a rationale. He's with you NOW. So allow cross! You'll be happier. Good success!

Answer 9

I believe you've answered your own question. In addition, you dont wish to hear the answers. And only you are able to forgive yourself for your wild youth. And perhaps that's what you need to do, rather than regretting something which is impossible to change.
Personally I dont recommend it, but I get the impression (from those I've met) a born again christian usually makes a complete reversal in life. Maybe that could be your answer.

The present and future holds too important, to waste time dwelling on the past. :)

Answer 10

There is nothing you can do about your past. Just be thankful it's over with. Maybe you are just feeling guilt because you haven't told your husband, yet. I'm not saying that you should because he might be pissed that you didn't tell him before, but think about what is really bothering you. I don't think it's your past. I think that you just want to get it out so bad , and you're just afraid of your hubby's reaction. I would just tell him. And make sure that you tell him that you feel bad about it, but you're happy now, and maybe you feel a little undeserving of this good life you have now. Good luck. It's not like he's going to divorce you over all this. If you've done something THAT bad, I'm sure he'll be mad for a while, but eventually, he'll get over it.

Answer 11

First, as we all know we can not go back and change the things we have done. But you should also look at it as the things that you have done have made you who you are. Without them you may not be the person you are today. As for your husband finding out, well sometimes you have to just be honest with yourself and know if you really trust that and he will not judge you then you should tell him. Not because you have to, but because I think that part of you is feeling guilty because you feel like you are keeping something from him.