How do I tell my husband, again that I'm not IN LOVE with him?

Question

We've been together for 7 years, we have 3 children 51/2, 4, and 3. I've haven't felt "in love" with him since before the birth of our 3rd child. I've told him this before, we're trying to work it out. I thought it was working but I still don't feel like I can fall back in love with him. I have trouble kissing him, we barely have sex and the only thing we seem to talk about is the children. I have cheated on him in the past although he doesnt know. We have a beautiful house and 2 nice vehicles. I don't want to loose that but I can't move out and neither can he. I'm just so unhappy almost depressed about the situation. My parents don't agree, my husband thinks I'm playing mind games with him but I've been honest with everyone (except the cheating part, but that was the past.) Do I just suck it up for the kids and continue being unhappy or say it again and mean it that I'm done and loose everything I've worked for?

We make a great family but not a couple. It's really hard to know and deal with the fact that I'm not sexually into my husband when a normal couple should be. HELP!

I'm not worried about the house, Its that I created a place for my children to grow and I don't want to take that away from them.

BTW - we dated 2 months before I got pregnant with our son.

Answer 1

It seems like you've just about decided to give up on your relationship with him, that you feel you'll never be able to recover any romantic, loving feelings.

Can you remember what you loved about him before, what prompted you to marry him? Has that changed, or have you just forgotten what attracted you in the beginning? If whatever that is, is still there, then try concentrating on those aspects of your relationship, finding a way to bring them out more. It's always easier said than done, but if you don't want to lose the life you've developed together, it's worth trying. If it was his sense of humor, try listening more when he's talking, pick up on his humor. If it was his looks, then spend a bit more time appreciating them. If it was his personality in general, again, try noticing his personality, ho9w nice it is ... etc.

If what attracted you in the first place is no longer there, has changed, then THAT's what you need to focus on with him, explaining what it was and that it's no longer there, and that you'd like it back. He probably doesn't realize it's gone.

I hope you are able to work it all out in a way that will allow you to have a wonderful rest-of-your-life.

Answer 2

I guess that he takes his marriage vows seriously. Too bad he is the only one.

People will tell you that "you have a right to be happy." Well, so do your children and husband. They're happiness, though, includes you. Don't you think you owe them a little bit more than "I just don't LOVE him anymore?

Have you considered that the fact that you have 3 small children might have something to do with how you feel? Caring for these children can be a real mental and physical challenge. This might be a reason you feel the way that you do.

There must have been some reason that you were attracted to him before. Those qualities are still there. Find them again. Invest in yourself as well. Improve yourself and see if the excitement returns to your marriage. Even with children it is important that you don't stop dating... even if it's once a month.

Marriages and love are not an easy commodity to find and are things that need to be fought for. Sometimes that includes fighting against yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I have been married for 7 years 2. I have 2 kids. I think you being worried about ur nice auto's and ur house maybe says something about you. Also since you cheated on ur husband. I would strongly suggest you go and talk to someone! Maybe you should go alone or something. They say the 7th year of marriage either makes or breaks you. How can you not be in love with ur husband? He has given you 3 children? You made a promise to ur husband 7 years ago! When you started sharing ur life together! You should do ur darn est to be a woman and honor it! Get some help! Don't give up so easy! You owe it to urself and ur family!

Answer 4

You are not doing anyone in this situation a favor by being dishonest and staying where you are no longer happy. If you don't think that counseling or a change of heart will help, then you need to work on getting things together for a life of your own away from your husband. You should never stay because of the children. Having two parents apart happy are better than having two miserable ones together.

Answer 5

I completely understand what you are saying. I have cheated, and I can't afford to live on my own with our two children.. Our whole lives revolve only around the kids. We are room mates, and our sex life is almost non-existant. I also tell him the way I feel with no results...

I think because he doesn't hit me or scream at me, and he loves me, I should stay. I don't know if that is how you are feeling or not. I think my family/friends would think I was an awful person if I left him, because he is a good provider and father, but what about my needs?

I don't really have an answer for you, but I want you to know that you are not alone. Good luck to you!

Answer 6

I do believe that kids benefit from having both parents be together. But if you are not happy can you live like this for the next 18 years? That is a big sacrifice. If you choose to end it you may loose your house and the lifestyle that you have. You have to decide what you want. Your kids will suffer if you do get a divorce. But they won't have an unhappy mom anymore either.

Answer 7

Why don't you just tell him the truth? There's no sense living together if you're miserable with him. Then, suck it up and move out of the house and get a job or two. What's the use of having a nice house and nice vehicles if you're so unhappy. It's better to not have those nice material things and be happy, than have all those stuff and be miserable for the rest of your life.

Answer 8

You committed adultery and you fell out of love (which is just selfish crap to Begin with).

You should confess your affair, file for a divorce, leave ever thing behind and start a new life somewhere else. You are a terrible role-model to your children because you have a good man and you're not willing to do the work that love requires. Your children have a FATHER that is a good role model and can provide for him.

For you to want to take anything from them, be involved (interfere) with their lives is WRONG. They are the honorable victims to your SELFISH behavior.

You are playing mind games, you just want to cop out on your responsibilities and go please that thing between your legs and act like a irresponsible teenager. That is SUPPOSE to be your Husband's Job.

Answer 9

Leave this up on the computer for him to see. Forget about the physcal things that can be replaced and try to remember what attracted you in the first place. Try to get the two of you to re-live these experiences and see if it happens again. If he's not up for that than prepare the children as you need to make some changes that should not be surprises to them. People in marriages should never stop dating each other. If your reading Mr. Husband throw some mystery and intrigue into her life again. Oh, you cheated, Mrs. Wife! Forget about him reading this. If he won't get counceling with you, do it yourself for sure. You won't get it here.

Answer 10

I have met men and women who had the same situation. They say we have good partners, good kids, house and life but we don't love our partners and we don't want to leave because it is too costly for everyone.

My advise always is to focus on yourself and look for the things that you love about your husband. Cherish your family and don't break it. You are supposed to be the protector and not the destroyer of you own loved ones. Try to be more specific on what is it exactly you don't like about your husband and try to change it in the positive way with a big smile. It is also good to start a different activity outside the house for a change like join a club, classes, etc...