me and my boyfriend have extra bad arguments but i love him?

Question

me and my boyfriend have been togehter for a year, and we argue alot somtimes he punches me, strangls me and all that, after he says hes sorry and he didnt mean it an it wont happen again but it does.
I love him so much i dont want to leave him.
can any1 give me advice on how to help him ocntrol his temper>?

plz dont jus say f*ck him off i dont want that i need people who have been through it an can help me stop his temper tantrums

thanx
xxxx

( his parents do know whats happening because they have heard him punching me but they blame me )

Answer 1

You've gotten so used to this that you say it very casually: "Sometimes he punches me, strangles me and all that..."

I can't believe I'm saying this on the internet:

I have been through this. I went through it with my ex-husband. I kept hoping that there was something I could do to help him. I was actually the one who needed the help.

He didn't change. No matter how much counseling, love from me, medication, new job, no matter how much I changed to try to make life easier for him... he didn't change. His temper didn't change. His behavior didn't change. You can't help him control his temper. He's the only one who can do that and if he's got that big of an issue with it, HE will need to be the one to go seek some professional help. Sadly there's no guarantee that will work either.

You need to stop worrying about how to help him and think about how you can help yourself. You need to do several things for yourself right now:

1) You need to ask yourself what is going on inside your head to make you believe that you should be with someone who hurts you this way. Do you feel that you don't deserve better? Do you feel an uncontrollable urge to help him? Do you need to feel needed? Do you want to be able to say that you rescued him from his anger? What is it that makes you stay with a man who punches you and strangles you?

2) You need to have a safe plan in place because until you leave him, you are not safe. In fact, if you left him today, you would not be safe because it would only escalate his temper. You are not safe. Not for one minute of one day of your life right now are you safe. Do not let his apologies make you believe you are. You are constantly at risk of death because he is unable to control his anger and men "accidentally" kill their partners in the heat of anger every single day. If he's already strangled you, you are lucky to still be alive.

3) My suggestion to you is that you seek counseling for yourself. You don't need to change his behavior. That's his job. You need to change your response to his behavior. I'm sure that, at some point in your life, you've said to yourself "Some man ever lay a hand on me and I'll kill him!/Leave his sorry @$$/Have his @$$ arrested/Show him who's boss!" etc. You've gradually accepted his behavior until you've got him thinking that it's okay. Or at least... it's not bad enough that you're going to leave so if he "slips up" and hits you again, it's all good.

I lived this nightmare for years and I never relaxed... not completely... because I never knew when the next explosion would come. I finally got out. After it was over, I listened at night and realized that my neighbor was living the same thing at her house. I had no idea there were so many of us putting up with this from our partners.

Let me ask you this: Suppose you had a baby with this man and he punched and strangled that child? Would that be okay?

Suppose he punched a co-worker and strangled him? Wouldn't he be arrested?

Let's say he got into it with total stranger over a parking space or something. He punches and strangles the stranger. Lawsuit? Jail? You'd better believe it.

It's no more acceptable for him to do this to you. It's illegal. It's out of control. He's wrong. You have to stop accepting it. I understand how difficult it is. But your life will be so much better without that, trust me. It took me years to get over the end of the relationship. I felt guilty for a while for "bailing on him." But... he wasn't going to change and I was no longer willing to wait and accept being treated like that while he MAYBE learned to control his temper.

The best thing you can do for him is to show him, with your actions, that his behavior is unacceptable and that it has cost him your relationship. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be safe and happy and secure and not put yourself constantly in front of a loaded weapon. That's what a man with a temper like that is... a loaded weapon.

You can't fix this. It's not possible. You have to just walk away and let go.

Answer 2

It seems that your boyfriend is either too worried of being "MR. RIGHT" all the time or has some kind of wierd mental illness. You will have to try many approaches to get his temper (or rather him ) under control.

Try a frank talk, a really frank one. Say that his behavior is very upsetting and someties you feel threatened by his actions.
If that doesnt help, RECIPROCATE!! then, tell him that that is how you feel when he does that, it should work.
if all else fails, slap yourself really hard when you argue with him (I know that it is hard) let him ask you why you did that, and then tell him that he would do the same thing, it is sure to hit home.

FINALLY Stop all arguements. If you happen to start one(or he for that matter) give him a really warm hug and apologise.

All the best!!

Answer 3

Honey, let me let you know first off... I been there and done that. My boyfriend use to punch, throw me, he's ripped out my belly ring, and when I was pregnant he beat me and I had a mis-carrage.

Finally, after the last punch I realized, if I let him do this more and more to me one day I will be dead because of his angry. And personally I didnt not want to die that way.

I loved him soooooo much. He was practally my dream man, except for all the fighting.

Since the last straw I've had the help of family and friends. Who stuck by my side got me thru it. And, now I am in a very healthy happy relationship (2 years later). I feel respected, loved, and treated the way I am suppose too. Plus, I get to keep my life and do something I want with it.

The only thing I can say you have to take care of you before anyone else.

Answer 4

Sweetie-I know you want people to tell you what you want to hear, but on Yahoo Answers we try to help people by giving them the truth, and not just what you want to hear.

The truth is: the statistics are against you. Once an abuser, always an abuser. The violence always escalates. A lot of the time it ends in death. You probably have an abusive father, or maybe not even one around. This can lead to the low self esteem required to allow yourself to be abused.

There are plenty of guys out there that were raised to respect women. The ones with a temper have a problem you cannot fix. If they are unwilling to do that, you need to have the respect for yourself necessary to move on.

Work on your self esteem. You are worth it. Love yourself for who you are. You need to fix this before you have children and they repeat the cycle of abusing or being abused. You are responsible for more than yourself. If you have a son, he could grow up to be an abuser, and if you have a daughter, she will learn to allow men to abuse her. This goes beyond your selfish wants right now.

And yes I have been there. And it's not worth it. I am with a loving man now who would never think of hurting me. Life is so much happier this way.

Answer 5

Punches and strangles you? And you don't want any of us to tell you to get rid of him? Honey, I was in a seriously abusive relationship for about ten years. We have been apart for almost four now and I am still suffering some serious health problems from that abuse. You have already stated that he does it, says he didn't mean it and does it again. How do you stop that cycle? You stop it by getting out. This isn't LOVE, sweetie. This is a person that needs serious help and you cannot provide it to him. Please don't take anymore of this. You could wind up seriously injured or worse, dead. You are better than that and deserve so much more than someone who is going to disrespect you by abusing you.

Answer 6

YOU cannot change HIM!!! If you have any respect for yourself, get out of the situation.

Someone that loves you doesn't punch you or strangle you. You are confused about what love is. Love means not only being with someone you think is hot, but there has to be mutual respect. His actions prove that he does NOT respect you..

After these actions, I bet he says "Oh baby, i am sorry. I didn't mean it. I love you. I won't do it again." Let me tell you that is classic abusive behavior.

For your own safety, get out of that relationship. Seek counseling for yourself, and you could suggest it for him as well.

Good luck.

Answer 7

What he is going through is not a temper tantrum.. it's craziness and you have to leave. I am not telling you this as some outsider you don't know. I'm telling you this as a person who has been through what you have.. you have to leave before he kills you.

My mother was abused... for 12 years before she had the courage to leave. She was almost killed more than once.

My aunt was abused for 5 years. It started as a slap here and there.. and ended with her being thrown down a flight of stairs and breaking her leg, arm, ribs and nose.

It starts with the sorrys and I will never do it again.. and he does it again.. and again.. and someday soon.. you will be crying in the bathroom with a broken nose and black eyes wondering what you said to make him hit you..

For the love of God, leave.

Answer 8

Ok sweetheart, the reason why you don't want people to say "f**k him" is because you know the truth hurts. You should never let a guy hit you, you have to be strong enough to realize even though you love him, he has problems. This is not something you can get him over, he needs help. Once a man hits you, he'll never stop. You should have more respect for yourself then that. Ive been around abuse my whole life, ive seen my mom get punched, slapped, thrown down stairs everything it will only get worse. Please, Please get out of this!

Answer 9

Listen...I know you said you don't want people to just tell you to dump him, but I think that's what you need to do. Or you at least need some time apart from him until he gets better. You need to tell someone who can help him with his anger issues.

This is a really dangerous situation to be in. PLEASE stay away from him for a while and try to get him in some anger management stuff. I'm not saying he's a bad guy. He actually sounds like a nice guy. But that doesn't matter. All that matters is that he's hurting you, and no one wants you to get hurt.

Answer 10

You have described a classic woman abuse situation. Do some research. You will find out that all abusers are sorry afterwards.

What he has done to you is a crime for which he could receive jail time.

If he doesn't recognize it as a problem and get immediate therapy/counselling, you must leave unless you are prepared to be mutilated or killed.

You need counselling now!