Abusive husband isn't going to counseling as promised, should I leave now?

Question

I wrote a few weeks back about my verbally/emotionally(have been physical 3 times by choking me over the years, last time was 4 years ago. I have been with him for 12 years, married for 8. we have 2 childred a daughter 6 and a son 4.
He has called me every name in the book including fat *****, stupid ************, weakist link, lazy, useless etc. He does this in front of our kids and they cry or like today they hide. I feel like this marriage is killing me and i haven't left yet. He always never takes up for me when it comes to his family(his father and borther bothe cursed me out and he says good because he doesn't like me either). I cry almost ever other day. He is not going to counseling with me tomorrow(picked a fight today because I ate some of the kid's food). He isn't going to go so my question is do you think I have done all that I can? I'm going to therapy alone right now. I just don't want to feel guilty for breaking up my "family". We can go over to live with my mom. Help

Answer 1

Yes, leave. My mom wasted YEARS with my abusive father. 3 kids and we were all unhappy. I was 8 when she finally decided to change the locks and kick him out. I remember dancing and jumping up and down and cheering the night we did it.
If your kids are hiding and crying, they're in pain. If you can't stand up and fight for yourself, fight for your kids. They will be happier and have more respect for you. It is a horrible thing for a child to know that her father is hurting her mother (in any way). It makes children feel powerless, sad, alone, scared, etc. Children tend to imitate what they see. Would you want either of your children in a relationship like you have? What would you do if one of your kids was being hurt? You'd fix it. So, take care of yourself & take care of your kids. Walk out the door and don't ever go back.

Answer 2

I wouldn't feel guilty about "breaking up the family"...sounds like it's not much of a family, especially for your poor children. Get out now. He obviously doesn't care about you by the way he treats you, and when your children get old enough to understand what's being said,etc. it will affect them more than it already is. You see, children understand more than we think they do. We don't give them much credit. But they can see how it hurts you, their mother, and how terrible it sounds as well, thus they hide and cry. It's terrifying. This will affect them in many ways already, that you may not have noticed...from them waking up frequently at night (to make sure you are still home, or that you aren't fighting again,etc.), being clingy, very emotional anytime (whether you are arguing at the time or not), to being downright moody cause they don't know how else to handle it. When they get older, your husband will start to do this to them as well, if he hasn't already. Cause if he doesn't even love and respect their mother, he sure won't respect them as just children. Leave now, take the children with you, and find someone that will love all of you and treat you with the love that you all deserve. And don't ever feel guilty for wanting better for yourself and your kids.

Answer 3

It sound like you are doing your best to work through things without any help from him. Does he have a reason for not going to counseling? Does he have any idea what he is like to you? You need to go to counseling for yourself. He is trying to wear you down mentally so you won't go. YOU ARE NOT THE ONE BREAKING UP THE FAMILY!!!!! Look at yourself in the mirror and say that 10 times a day!! He is breaking up the family. He is abusing you and refusing counseling. You are the innocent party here and don't let him brain-wash you into thinking its your fault!! You already see the effect he has on the kids, what more do you need to show you that he is not going to change? Get out and get help before things get any worse. Good Luck!

Answer 4

The fact that you are asking for help shows that you do care for your family especially your children and also your husband, abusive as he may be. Also you have taken the right step to go for counselling, even if you have to go alone, it is still good to go, as at least now you will have someone else to listen to you and to guide you.
Talk more about your husband's behaviour to your counsellors, and the problem he has and what is it that drives him to get angry. This continued sessions with your counsellor can help you to better understand, how to deal with you husband and for you to be able to slowly get him to know that you are actually helping him in your way ( but dont say this yet, he has to realise it). But you have to know what starts the quarrel usually and why, to your counsellors. To be fair you have to also give details of what you think that you have said or do that might get him to be angry. Men, if the are the sole bread winners, usually compare among other men of their lives , work and some men get angry inside if they feel they lose out to their friends. Especially so if their friends keep saying how the wifes are good, and so on. This is just one exmaple but it could be others, maybe he is being stressed out at work and the future ,etc. So at this point continue your couselling, even alone, if he will join in that is even better. Secondly, try to check yourself if you saying anything that is in someway attacking him, and try to stop this if you can , i know it is hard, but someone has to stop attacking and try to observe more to find out the cause of the problem. As Confucius has said, 'Half the battle is won if you know yourself first ' then you can know the other person a little better. That is if could be that you are too kind, people make take advantage of you. Or you may be too critical without knowing it also. So discuss these things honestly with your counsellor, and hopefully your communication with your husband can improve. Communication is not only words, but also your body language and the way you response to your husband that can mean a different signal to him, so you do have to observe yourself also on not only what you say, but also your body language, and your response. All the best and God Bless, also if you do pray, do pray for better understanding on your part, your husband and everyone.

Answer 5

Get out now! It will be hard in the beginning but in the long run it will be better for you and the kids. It sounds like you need a positive man and your husband is not like that. I grew up in an abusive household. My father called my mother "*****" so much I thought it was her real name. Get out for the kids sake. I grew up with low self esteem because of my fathers constant abuse. If he doesn't want to change he never will. You can not make him change. It sounds like he has his own issues. Move on. It will be hard at first but once you go you will feel free.

Answer 6

I agree with all the other answers. Leave now because it is going to get worse and not just for you. He may get tired of hitting on you and start on the children. It is your job as a mother to protect them and set a good example. What happens to a child when he is young influences the rest of his/her life. Do you want your son to grow up beating on women, or do you want your daughter to end up in an abusive relationship? They are still young enough to be taught how to build and maintain a good relationship. Be their role model. They learn from you and all the other adults that are around them.

Answer 7

Continue with your therapy. There are all kinds of support groups and help out there, ask you therapist! This is your choice, your life. You deserve better in your life and your children's lives. Get out, NOW. Love and family aren't suppose to hurt you, they are suppose to give you wings to fly emotionally and spritiually. Change your family size so you can ensure you can teach your children to "fly". Otherwise your children are learning it's okay to be an abuser or abused. There comes a time in almost everyone's lives where we need to decide if we love ourselves more than we love another person...it's time to make that choice.

Answer 8

Go! Go! Run!!! Get out of there before he kills you. Nobody deserves to live that way. YES!!! You have most certainly done all that you could. Think about your kids. They need to come first. It is very damaging for them to see him, hear him treating you this way. Trust me, there are alot of good guys out there, why be with a dog who doesn't appreciate what he has. Kick him to the curb. He's an idiot!

Answer 9

if you have the means to leave then yes. dont wait till you have nothing except your life. Your kids could be next. Im sorry if I didn't read the whole thing, it was heart breaking and he is a bad excuse of a man.

Answer 10

Yes. Leave now AND DO NOT BELIEVE anything he says about changing for the better. Things are just going to get worse!