Living together vs. Getting married?

Question

Why must people live together now before getting married? I understand that people will say that it's good to live with someone first so you get to know their habits and stuff, but if you love someone and believe that you will be together for life, must you really "test things out"? Why is playing house such a big deal now? I am only 21, and NOT religious, so I'm not someone from an old generation that doesn't understand today's temptations.

FYI I am married right now....we'll be married for a year this Sunday. He asked me to move in with him like 3 months after we started dating, but I told him no, not yet. I knew that if he was ready for such a big commitment, then he was ready to marry. We did not move in together at the time because he wasn't ready for marriage. Because we held off, he asked me to marry him eight months later. It was so exciting to move in together after the wedding! We knew we loved each other, and that no matter what, we would work through our problems as husband and wife. I believe that people would work harder to fix their relationship problems if they were married. It's just too easy to pick up and walk away because of minor problems when you're living together.

Answer 1

You have a romantic view of married life that is a breath of fresh air. Keep that going! Some people like to live together to see how compatible they really are before taking that big step. Some other live together and because of financial reasons would lose benefits if they married. Some people just don't want to commit. If you believe this is the person who you will spend your life with there is no need to live together first. Get married and do everything the way you have dreamed of.

Answer 2

Actually, I would not be married at all if it were not for social standards and pressure. My partner is my best friend and we are in it for the long haul. I don't need a peice of paper to validate it or prove it to anyone. I prove it everyday I am here and working on our relationship and home.

Unfortunately, there was a lot of pressure at work the constant nagging from everyone: When are you guys gunna make things honest?

I am a ski instructor and my husband is a ski race coach and the parents where complaining that they had to try to explain our relationship to the kids.

We got married in jeans at the JP to keep everyone else happy. Our relationship has not changed at all except that we don't have to deal with the stigma of "living in sin."

I don't think living together first affects the overall longevity of a relationship. I think that logevity is affected by the attitude of both parties. Some people don't see marraige as a life long commitment that they have to work through. They see it as a convention that should happen and then when things get tough they figure they can get a divorce instead of working through it.

If the marraige contract was actually binding, you would see more successful longevity rates. Unfortunately, divorce is the easier way out (my husband was married before and the divorce was ugly but it would have been harder to stay married).

Answer 3

From what I have observed in my own marriage and the relationships of my friends, it doesn't really make much difference.

If I know someone really well, I can usually tell if they are going to make it in the long haul or not, whether they go the legal route with marriage, or keep it informal and just live together.

The divorce rate in the US is around 50%, and has been for quite some time. A lot of those people lived together before formalizing their relationship, and a lot did not, so I don't know that either one has an advantage over the other.

The main thing about marriage is that it is a committment that's a little bit harder to get out of than just living together. But a solid, committed relationship is just that, solid, and it doesn't matter if they have a piece of paper or not. Getting out of a marriage is definitely harder to do, because it is a legal relationship, and you have to go to court to sever it. But people that think they will be spared heartache and grief if they don't get married are just fooling themselves. The end of a relationship is always tremendously painful, whether you are married or not.

I remember helping a friend pack when she moved out of the house she and her boyfriend had bought together and shared for 11 years. He had actually volunteered to let her stay in the house until it had to be sold, but she chose to go. Every single thing in that house had been bought during happier times, from the plates in the cupboards to the linens in the hallway to the art prints on the walls. Each choice of what to take and what to leave had to be negotiated beforehand, and each item that went into a box was a kind of little death for her. When it came to packing the curios they had picked up on their trips to places like Mexico and Hawaii, she got so emotional that she had to go outside while I did the actual wrapping and placing things in a box. I don't know if she realized it, but it was very apparent to me that the pain they had hoped to spare themselves by not being married was there just the same.

So I don't think it makes much difference. A dead relationship is just that: dead. It's tremendously painful for both parties, and it doesn't matter if there are wedding pictures hanging on the wall or not.

P.S. Just so you know, there are tons of tiny things that drive you crazy when you live with someone: toilet seat up, toilet seat down; toothpaste squeezed in the middle, or from the end of the tube; dishes in the sink, or right into the dishwasher. Those are all tiny things that you can negotiate on, and if something that small can kill a relationship, the people are either too picky, or not serious about being together.

Answer 4

I'm 21 too and in a stable, loving relationship. I have no doubt that we'll get married and stay married for the rest of our lives. I would still want to live together before we get married.

Many of the reasons you already know- getting to know thier habits and making sure the two people can live together without driving each other crazy. I also think it's a good idea so that the transition to living together isn't part of the wedding/newlywed craziness. Planning a wedding and adjusting to married life is hectic. Why add to that the stress of moving in together, combining your belongings, and adjusting to a new roomie? If you're sure you'll be together for the rest of your lives, what's the harm in a little delay?

Answer 5

from all my experiences, and seeing my friend's experiences, I have come to the conclusion, that it really doesn't matter. You can live together for years and still, the relationship comes to an end, married or not. You can also not live with someone and have it work out when you get married. the point is, you never know whats going to happen so you just need to do what feels right.

Answer 6

There is no better way to determine if this person will drive you crazy with his peculiar habits than by living with him. Maybe he cuts his toenails in bed. Maybe he leaves the cap off the toothpaste tube. It may seem insignificant, but it's the little things that break up marriages, and you must be CERTAIN that you can deal with these little things. Why would you turn away from a tried and true method for getting to know a person by not living with him?

Answer 7

Living together. Marriage IS just a piece of paper. I came from a unique situation. Back 11 years ago, 2 of my best friends and myself all started dating these guys. 11 years later, all of us are still with the same people. One of the 2 girls decided to tie the knot with her guy and after a year of marriage the real secret comes out. It's exactly the same. I call my guy my husband and he calls me the wife. No difference, plus it's cheaper and the same tax benefits in Canada!! If it doesn't matter to you then who cares what everyone else thinks.

Answer 8

IROOOOAAARRR...I am sure I will get flack for stating my opinions but:

think your better off not living with someone first. I would rather see someone not rush, and take their time until they are sure about marriage. What happens when you shack up, and then the other person decides they don't want to get married, you have already rushed him in your home, and then what? Especially if you are a single mom, or something like this. I think it is unfair to these kids who are put in that position.

Answer 9

You are also testing out your commitment to each other before you wind up getting sacked with 500 dollars in legal fees and that is if it is uncontested. If you have kids together it gets much more expensive and more emotional and it is not fair to the kids. Make sure you are both in the right place. But you also must always do what is right for you. Good luck.

Answer 10

Since religious and social customs are quite relaxed now, people prefer to "try out" living with someone, before signing their life away and forming a contract with someone (marriage)..

It's kind of like trialing a job or workplace etc. for a while before you decide if it is for you or not.

We can know someone from chatting and dating, but unless you spend 24 hours with them, or a few weeks living with them, you really can't know if you would love to wake up next to that person every morning for the rest of your life..