STAY or GO?

Question

I am a 31 year old mother with two girls under 3. My husband is aloof but a good provider. He is stable but antisocial, he has no friends and struggles with depression. I find myself constantly reminding him to do things. He wants me to make the decisions in the marriage but then calles be a tirant when I remind him to ask our daughter what needs wants before yelling at her for knocking on her bedroom door at night after bed. Sometimes she just wants a backrub or to go potty and his way would just be yelling and just leaving her in there to cry. Yesterday I had a doctor's appt and my 3 year old had tears and was screaming to go with me. Funny thing is he wanted kids! I forced him into marriage counceling but it always reverts back. I am so emotionally disconnected but I want to do what is best for my girls. I fear that his behavior is emotionally hurting the girls and I noticed my little girl thanking me when I look out for her well being. I feel like I need to leave...

Answer 1

you just answered it yourself, you need to leave. Your husband may have had a disillusioned idea of what children are like. You can't keep living like this, it's not good for you or the children. Your husband needs to sort out what his problem is, work out why he is depressed, maybe he may need medication. Marriage counselling can't work if only one person is willing to try. Sounds like you got a decision to make. If you choose to stay, get him into counselling on his own, not with marriage counselling, sounds like he got a problem that needs to be dealt with.

Answer 2

Being a good provider is one thing.. all that entails is holding down a reasonably paying job. Is he a good father? Does he play with the girls? spend time with them? (on the weekends)

How is he as a husband to you? Do you agree that you should be making all the decisions in the marriage?

You two ought to have an honest conversation with each other and lay it all out on the table and make some decisions. Apparently what's going on isn't working too well. I don't think you need a counsellor for that if the two of you are honest, civilised and prepared to negotiate / compromise. You should let him know how you feel. He needs to know if you expect anything to change. Try it and see what happens.

Answer 3

Only you can come up with the answer for YOU and your daughters. I left my marriage almost 4 years ago due to a similar situation. My two daughters were 2.5 and 4...and I was 33. I do not regret my choice to do so, but I won't lie and say that I don't feel guilty on some level -- for being the one to initiate the split and following through with it.

As of now, our girls are healthy and happy and to be honest, very well adjusted. They are doing great in school and are grounded and balanced. I believe one of the biggest contributing factors to this is that fact that Mommy is Happy. I am truly happy -- tired, worn out, yes, but still happy!

Their Dad and I have a good relationship as friends -- thank goodness. We had that all along.

I wish you all the best with your decision.

Answer 4

I was that man a few years ago,I tried several different kinds of meds.,counseling,family doctor,and Psychologists.I don't see how my wife put up with me,but she did .I decided I could live being miserable or happy and i chose being happy.This is something your husband has to find on his own. Tell him you love him and his girls love him. If he feels the way I did maybe he can make things better for himself and his family.Depression is a hard thing to fight but with the love and support of my wife I beat it and I will never look back.I hope you can help him because he probably feels like you are the only thing he's got in life.

Answer 5

If Counceling doesnt work then yes you will have to leave for the kids sake... they know when mom and dad are fighting, and they also feel the tension in the air... If he is not good to them then in time he probably will also start being bad to you? You nor the kids need that.. SO try counceling and then if that doesnt work move on for everyones health....

Answer 6

If you husband won't go get help to get better I think for the kids sake it would be best to leave. sounds as if he has them tramatized.. He has his good points like you said being a good provider. but it isn't fair to the kids for him to take his depression or what ever it is out on them..
You husband is in no shape now to be around kids right now.. Try out a trial seperation for a while and see if he will go get help and get on some medication that will work..and when he gets better you could try getting back together again if that is what you want..
but i would opt for getting out now.. before something changes for the worse and he takes it out on the kids.
something is going on with him that needs to be fixed.
hope everything works out for you..

Answer 7

I believe you should take care of the kids first. They are impressionable at that age, you'd be surprised what they remember seeing and hearing. He probably needs medication for the depression. And for your own sanity sake i'd tell him exactly how you feel and then take it from there.

Answer 8

I was with a man with bi-polar for 4 years, it's not gonna get any better get out, you and the kids deserve better, his behavior is hurting the girls.

Answer 9

If your child is unhappy with him, you are not doing her or you a favor.
Move on while you can.
You will get over the security thing.
I did. Don't allow yourself to be his mother too.
It is very hard to leave.
Take baby steps, but it can be done.
Been there , done that.

Answer 10

I'm no expert, but I think if you're asking this question you already know the answer. I mean you putting up with it is one thing but your little girls- they're so impressionable. In the end you have to do what you think is right.