How can I forgive my husband of 20 years for having an affair?

Question

We eventually divorced but not before he had a baby with her, our two children were 18 and 19 at the time and the girl he had an affair with was 23. I have moved on with my life after much pain and heartache because I loved him with all of my heart, but I can't seem to truly forgive him or her. I know that God expects me to and I want to be able to do this. Does this mean I'm a terrible person?

Answer 1

Forgiveness comes from within you. If you are bitter, angry and hurt it only hurts you. Forgiveness does not mean that the things he did was okay or forgotten...it just means that you are going on with life and are deciding to have inner peace and love. Hate the sin not the sinner.

Answer 2

I feel like it's me speaking. I've been with my husband for 21 years. We have two boys.

I don't have proof but the neighbor started a rumor that he was cheating with her tenant. The tenant has move since so I cannot confirm the story. He claimed that my brother in law had a THING with the tenant.

It is hard to forgive or forget. You wanted to move on but cannot because there are all these questions. Right!!. It's not you. They forget that we have a heart too. I feel that the world has gone mad. If you stop loving someone, just have a divorce first then go f#%^ someone else. They forget the phrase "for better or worse".

I know it's not me. I am an educated professional. I am pretty, smart, great job, personality to die for, size 7, 40 years old and look like 33, and look good. All this was not good enough.

I just hope you don't focus on what you could have changed. If you stay the pain stays also, if you go, the pain follows. No one can make this decision but you, either way the pain will always stay with you. Noting he or anyone can do to ease the pain.

I wish you as much luck as I do myself.

Answer 3

Your feelings are your own and guess what... I disagree with what you think God wants of you. You do not have to forgive his behavior at all. Why should you? It is unforgivable. He cheated on you (broke his vows) and had a child out of wedlock. You've already gone through the divorce and the pain of all that. Don't torture yourself to live up to what other people expect of you or what you think God expects of you. Nowadays it seems fashionable to say.. oh .. i should forgive to feel whole .. not true.
The best you can do is accept what happened, draw a line and move forward. Try not to think about it. You can't change the past. Any thought about him and that situation is a waste of time and it doesn't contribute to your happiness. You have to take active practical steps to move on. Join some organisation or sink your teeth into a new hobby and meet new people. In time, this will all become a distant memory.

Answer 4

I don't think it means you're a terrible person. You haven't said how long you have been divorced, but maybe it hasn't been very long. You were with this man for a very long time, so that's understandable. You went through a lot with this man, and it seems you wanted to make the marriage work.

It just takes time and being good to yourself, understanding you probably did all that you could do and did the best that you could do. You can't expect to forgive overnight, it comes with a lot of acceptance and time and rebuilding your own life.

You'll get there. Just tell yourself you will. Don't harbor anger at either of them. Trust me, everything does happen for a reason. I divorced after my ex became an addict and had an affair, it took some time for me to work through it while we were separating and going through the divorce. Everyone is different. Just be good to yourself.

Answer 5

What this man did was devastating to you and probably to your adult children. If marriage was not valued by you, you probably would have forgiven him and forgot him.

20 years is a long time. Even if you have moved on, the pain and anguish experienced by you by such an event of disloyalty, may never completely go away. There may be times, years from now, that tears may still well up in your eyes - just talking about it.

Don't confuse feelings of grief and loss that are still healing with not forgiving. Don't confuse feelings of dislike and scorn over what your ex husband did to you and your family for not forgiving. Don't confuse being wary and a changed person who suffered a tramatic event with not being forgiving. If you are still angry with him, it is because you still have some emotion for him - as undefined and as unreasonable as it may seem.

Keep your faith but know that forgiving takes time. What God doesn't expect you to do is to be so befuddled by emotions that are complicated when one is trying to heal over such trama that they forget that by helping someone else going through the same thing may be the best act of Christianity you can do right now.

You can't force yourself to feel anything you don't and trying to do so will only fuel the negative energy. Channel your thoughts and concerns to other things that need it more. And,,, to be honest with you,,, a think a part of you still needs to "move on with life".

Answer 6

My wife thought I was having an affair. I wasn't, but guess what she did? I loved her with all my heart and I took the wedding vows seriously. We went to marraige counseling through a church counselor of her choice. She decided to stop. We are divorced for almost 10 years and I am still scarred. I will always love her because of my son. I just don't like her much. I am cordial to her when my son is around. Don't forgive. Come to terms and move on.

Answer 7

I agree with Mare. I'm proud of you because you are aware of what God expects. You can chose to forgive someone, but that does not mean you must: forget what they did, trust them again, or suddenly stop being hurt. People may think you haven't forgiven because it is difficult for you to talk with him, but you may just be protecting yourself from a hurtful experience. You can pray for God to help you with the healing process, too. Being hurt does not mean you haven't forgiven. Signs you havent forgiven: Are you vengeful? Do you want bad things to happen to him/ or do you delight when things go wrong for him? Do you try to get even? Do you like telling mutual acquaintances about the wrong things he's done? Do you hope people "pick sides?" If you are still struggling with these feeling, keep praying for God to help you. Another hard thing, is to pray for Him and for God's will for Him. I pray that God's peace that passes all understanding would settle over you, that you may be whole again.

Answer 8

You are not a terrible person at all!!! You have been horribly hurt and it takes quite some time to let go of the anger and pain you must obviously be feeling. You were betrayed by someone you love and your self esteem took a terrible beating! Be patient... in time you will get over it and no longer feel anger toward either of them. You seem to be a strong woman... you deserve all the happiness that comes your way!

Answer 9

Forgiveness doesn't mean saying what he did was OK. Forgiveness could be as simple as....they did what they did and it's nothing I can do about it but I'm going to clear them from my heart and mind and go on with my life. Good things won't be able to happen for you if a piece of your heart is dark. At least try, it may not happen the first time but keep trying until one day you've let it go.

Answer 10

Honey, My husband knows where i stand with this issue. And I tell you i love the lord but we can't forgive everything. And I just could not forgive my husband after something like that. Sounds like you have moved on . And that is what is important. Maybe many years down the road you will but for now be happy with the fact that you have moved on. Great for you.