Marriage Question?

Question

My boyfriend will be 52 in November and has 2 grown kids 24 and 21. The 24 year old is a boy and very rebellious. So rebellious that my boyfriend had to change his locks on his house so his son can't get in. I am in my early 30's and have no children and have never been married. I would like to have at least 1 child as I love children. My boyfriend has had a vasectomy and said if we were still together in a year he would consider reversing it. It will be 2 years in August and he has said we are getting engaged in August. He does not mention reversing his vasectomy but has stated that his grown children would be upset if he had more children. Why? They would still be loved just as much if we were to have a child. I am feeling sort of bad about this situation. I love him and he is good to me but am I making a mistake if I marry him?

Answer 1

Only you can answer that question.

However, how about some food for thought?

You have never had children and he has. You want a child. Do you deserve to have the most wonderful experience life can give us, especially as a woman? Of course you do. You say you love children so that tells me that you may want more than 1.
His refusal to meet your needs, something that you most certainly deserve, should be thought about a great deal.
True, he is entitled to not wanting kids, but is it right for him to refuse that for you? He already had his day but he won't let you have yours.

Sounds a little selfish - or maybe scared. To be honest it sounds like he didn't do such a great job with the first set. Maybe he is scared - or realistic.
What kind of father would he make?

What kind of husband would he make? Is he selfish in other areas?

It takes more than love to make a marriage. Love is just one very small part of a loving, successful marriage.

I am not saying that this is true, but it does sound as if you just met at the wrong time if that makes any sense.

I would go to counseling, both of you. If he is really serious about marrying you and giving his life to you, he will go. If he refuses, you may want to take a second look at the big picture.

I am 39, been down that road. If you need to talk don't hesitate to write me. This is a tough spot you are in right now.
I wish you the best.

Answer 2

I'd think long and hard before you marry him and have a child. For one a reverse vasectomy is no guarantee of fertility, it may not happen. At his age you are looking at him being 75 or older when the child is grown. If you have a son is he going to be able to play sports with him? Teach him to throw a football? Ride a bike? Do any kind of father and son activities? Most of us by fifty have raised our kids and are looking forward to retirement. Raising a child and especially a teen is exhausting work for younger people. You need to see it from his point of view, he has already raised his children. Is he just doing this for you? Children are a big commitment. If he is not 100% in with the idea of having a child, you are not being fair to him or too the child. When the other kids have their young dads out rough-housing with them, how is your child going to feel to have an old man out there with him? Trust me, Love does not conquer all.

Answer 3

Sorry to be straightforward, but I don't believe this man will reverse his vasectomy - not for you, not for no one.

He's raised his two children and he may not want to tell you straight up - but he is done with that stage of his life. Done as in complete and finished.

Bear this in mind, reversing a vasectomy is one painful operation with no guarantee of success. When this man said 'yes' to a vasectomy, he did it because he doesn't want any more kids. I say this because I have two boys and after the second, it was off to the vasectomy clinic for me. That was enough. I love my kids, I enjoy being their dad, but they will be my only children.

It's damn hard work to raise kids - god, the energy it takes.

Sheesh, he's 52. I'm 40 and I'd rather be impaled on a sharp object than hear my wife say, "Honey, I'm pregnant!" When I'm 52, I'll be pushing my boy's @sses out of the house. (I will pay for their education, of course).

All this is a way of saying, you need to make a painful choice between motherhood or marriage to this man.

Again, I'm sorry to be this straightforward - but I kind of feel where you man is coming from.

God Bless.

Answer 4

If you marry him, realistically, you will be a widow at 50. Is that something you want for yourself or for your potential child? The fact that he hasn't mentioned reversing the vasectomy and that he specifically said his children wouldn't like him to have other kids suggests very strongly to me that he himself doesn't want to have another child.

It also means that he doesn't value your wish for a child. I mean, he's not obligated to have a child just because you want one, but blaming it on his own children or just neglecting to raise the issue with you shows that he's being passive aggressive about the whole situation.

It sounds like his needs are different to your needs. And, I'm sorry to say, perhaps it might be time to think about what you're willing to sacrifice for this relationship -- not just the 30-something you, but the 50-something you should also think about how you would feel about never having had children of your own and having given it all up for this relationship.

I know it's hard, and I really feel for you. But you really do deserve to experience all the things in life that you want. Best of luck with this difficult decision.

Answer 5

Id guess it all depends on How Bad you Really Want a child? Id be suprised If he does reverse the vasectomy..... after all he got it for that very reason to begin with, second of all If his adult son is such a problem, I would worry that raising a new one with this person would be a bad idea, sounds like he didnt do such a hot job with the first son :-s
Good Luck

Answer 6

When you are 52, you start looking at retirement. He may be thinking about his 24 year old's behavior and whether or not he wants to risk going through all of that again. You need to bring up the vasectomy reversal issue again to see what he really wants.

Answer 7

I think you need to discuss this with him before you go any further in your relationship! If this is that important to you, and he doesn't see it that way, than you two are in for a rude awakening if you wait until you tie the knot...I don't believe that he shouldn't take his own children into consideration in this matter, but YOU really need to decide for yourself what really matters. You can't keep thinking that you will change his mind, this is an older man you are talking about who has, as the saying goes, "been there done that". So he might not be willing to change his ways now...but you definitely do not want to bring a child into this world if he really isn't interested, all that would do is cause havoc in your relationship, and eventually effect the child that most...Hope this helps, and God bless

Answer 8

Consider the fact that he promised you something and has fallen back on that promise.What's next???And the fact that his grown,and one troubled-might I add,children would be upset,well TOO bad.You are 30 and want a child.You are NOT being selfish,you are going for what you want.And for him to have said,after a yr and I will consider it,then he just throws the idea out the window??!!NO WAY!!You need to sit down and talk to him.I believe that communication is the key to any healthy marriage and if you cannot communicate now,what chance do you have?I am not saying to give up on him.Give him the chance to redeem himself after your talk.Tell him how much you love him and want to be with him,but feel the same about having a child.Good luck and I will be praying for you!!!

Answer 9

I can understand what you are going through. I have a 33 yr, old daughter who drives me nuts. I love her but can not stand some of the things she does.His two children are old enought to look out for themself.The man is looking for a excuse not to marrie . The no new children is a load of crap.He is comfortable with the way things are.

Answer 10

I would find out if he will reverse his vasectomy before you say yes to the engagement. If you really want a child and he isn't willing to, you may regret it down the road. Good luck.