My husband cheated on me....?

Question

My husband cheated and we have been trying to work it out, especially since we have a 9 month old son, but its only been a month since I found out, (i caught him), and he is already wanted me to be trusting him again? He says its done with he apologized and I just need to get over it...is this right? I feel like I need time to get past my hurt and he needs to earn my trust back? Is it even worth trying anymore with his attitude?

Answer 1

Once you lose trust it is very hard to get back. It sounds to me like your husband is an insensitive jackass and isn't sorry at all about cheating on you. The only thing he is sorry about is getting caught. He will cheat on you again. Perhaps even with the same person you caught him with. Once a dog always a dog. You have every right to feel the way you do. The mere fact that he is trying to down play it shows that he is still every bit as selfish and insensitive as ever. It is the oldest trick in the book. He is trying to turn things around and make you think you are the one with the problem. When he knows darn (I'm being nice) well that he is the one who stepped outside of your marriage. He is the one who is gulity of breaking your marriage vows and he is the one guilty of committing adultery. Don't let him lay a guilt trip on you. He is the totally in the wrong. You do need time to get past the hurt and he should be grovelling and begging on his hands and knees trying to gain your trustback. He acts as if you are the one who wronged him. I can't tell you what to do, but if my spouse cheated on me, I would be out of there simply because I would never be able to trust her again. You deserve better. You deserve to be in a marriage with someone who truly loves and respects you whole heartedly. As a Christian man I believe in the power of prayer. If you haven't already, I extend an invitation to you to invite God into your life. I went through a similar situation in my first marriage. I was totally committed to my wife and our wedding vows and she wound up lying and betraying me. So trust me when I tell you I understand what you are going through and I feel your pain. It is okay for you to cry today but I just want to inform you that God has better things ahead for you in the future. You deserve better. Now it is up to you to take the proper measures to demand better. Just remember that God loves you and I do to. I will be praying for you. Peace.

Answer 2

Let me just say that I hate to tell you, that trust may never be earned back. That doesn't mean that you can't still have a loving relationship with your husband if you are BOTH willing to work very hard at it. But, it is wrong of him to tell you to "get over it", in the first place, he's the one who f#^@ed up. And the next time he tries to tell you to get over it, remind him of that. You do need time to get past this, if you can, and he needs to be doing everything he can to earn back your trust, not just apologize and move on. How would he feel if the shoe had been on the other foot? You'd probably have alot fewer friends that were guys, is my guess. The other thing I wanted to address is this, if after a time you don't feel that he's earned your trust back, or you can't get past this indiscretion....please...please do NOT stay together for the sake of your child. If you do, your marriage will not be a loving one, and your child will have no example of what a loving relationship is like. If you're in a loveless marriage, the best thing you can do for your son is to get out, so that you and your husband can find a loving relationship, and your son can grow up in one as well.

Answer 3

I don't think him apologizing will make the destruction of your trust go away. Trust has to be earned back- that's probably going to take longer than a month-maybe by a lot. I think he's trying to get out of trouble. He's lucky you've given him a second chance and it doesn't look like he's appreciating it.

Answer 4

check out the dr phil site here is the link to it. Don't be done with it he needs to earn your trust back, and it does NOT happen over night. When his actions change in how he responds to you and in the way he treats you, then you can begin to heal. But you also have to try and fight the hard fight and that is to try and let go of it not throwing it in his face.Moving Forward After InfidelityWhether you're the one who has strayed from your relationship or you're the partner who feels betrayed, Dr. Phil can help you move forward.

Were you cheated on?


It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time.


Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him/her is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault.


Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.


Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.


If your partner wants back in, he/she will have to earn his/her way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you.


here is the LINK
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/16

Answer 5

your husband has done wrong by you, you didn't ask for this to happen and yes he does need to earn your trust back and give you time to overcome your hurt, if he is not willing to give you time then he doesn't care about your feeling's anymore than he did what he did on that night

i think you should leave him you deserve better than this, you deserve a loving and faithful husband, a caring father for your child and honesty

i hope you sort out this problem you are facing that way you can live the happy life you deserve

Answer 6

you r right, he needs to be earning ur trust back, i am going through the same problem, i found out and i almost left him. its been 2 weeks and he has been kissin my *** and i love it. he changed his email address and gave me the password, he tells me sweet things outta the blue and always sends me emails with sweet sayings. i would say its not worth trying but you have a child and if you love him try to work it out. you need to tell him either face to face or in a email of how you feel and try to make him see it from ur point of view. I put effort to the problem too though, i make sure if i think about what he did i dont show my angryness around him, but if we r talking about something and he says something i dont like i bring up what he did to let him know that i am still hurting. I hope i helped. jus make sure he knows what u do for him and u dont deserve to be hurt, and damn you u the mother of his child.

Answer 7

My husband cheated on me as well. We never worked it out even with counseling. After much observing, reading, and counseling, after the fact, I think I might have a little bit of background about this matter.

I have read where changes, big events (new jobs, new babies,etc..) can turn a marriage into a tizzy. The personality dynamic,however, has to be there within him to have turned to cheating to deal with this change.

Not all couples that deal with adultery - break -up.

I would advise anyone to try again if you feel you love him and to seek counseling.

You do NOT have to just get over it! He is actually engaging in emotional abuse by not recognizing your need to heal and develop trust again. Your conversations should be lined with how HE is going to prove himself to you again. He is minimalizing the trama he has brought into the situation.

What is his family background like? This can give you alot of insight. Does he have a good relationship with his parents (particularly his mom?) Are you yourself from a divorced family?
What kind of sex life do you have with your husband? Is your job more important than his or do your beliefs and values disagree with or overshadow him? Does he or do you tend to criticize each other? (And don't believe every break up is a 50 -50. In some cases, one person may be just more wrong than the other.)

These seem like trite and over asked questions, but they all play out in our everyday lives...sometimes without us even realizing it.

A great book for you to read is called, "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Springs.

A month is not long enough to trust or to even know if your marriage is going to work out. My husband left me when we had our child, too. Because of the vunerability of the situation, which is very sad, because now more than ever, you want to be a family, it will be very important to be vigilant in watching for changes in him or trusting your instincts. If you think he is still "out there" he probably is! My husband came back home for awhile then cheated again 5 months later - then subsequently on his new live-in!

Be strong and think clearly. By taking care of yourself and not being afraid of living alone or being a single mom, you will do yourself and your child a favor. Get yourself a good counselor. If he is unwilling to go, your marriage is over. Don't let him fool you. If he goes for awhile and quits before the work is done, your marriage is over. Then, get yourself a good lawyer. In some states, you can sue over adultery. It may be expensive at first, but the over the years, the benefits and peace of mind will be your reward.

I am re-married after being single for awhile. He was worth the wait. Looking back, I wish I had been stronger in dealing with my ex, when our marriage was over. He would not have tried to intimidate me so much over the years.

Good Luck !!! Although I hope your marriage makes it, I don't like his attitude right now. Be strong and don't be a push over! Tigers may change caves - but very rarely do they change their stripes!

Answer 8

Introduce Lil' Willy to Edward scissor hands : )
No , seriously its going to take time for you to get over it . Take as much time as you need. Its very very hard to be able to trust people after you have been betrayed and often times its better to call it quits for the greater good. But even in a new relationship you could find yourself having trouble with trust. If you want to make your relationship work it will take time , time for him to prove himself to you and time for you to trust him. Ask him how he would feel if you cheated on him and what he would do .

Answer 9

I can understand this being hard to get over. Its not easy and dont pressure yourself. No matter what he says, take your time to think. If he cant be patient then maybe he doesnt deserve your trust. If you really love him and if you know he loves you, I think it is worth a second chance but you definately need to cautious and you dont have to trust him completely until he earns it all back.

~Rickeisha

Answer 10

Everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but he has no right to tell you to "just get over it". You should ask him for an honest answer about why he really cheated on you. Sometimes people just need to feel appreciated, and afterwards they truly are sorry for what they did even if they don't get caught. But sometimes, it's more than that. See what he says. Then maybe based on his answer, you can decide whether or not you need counseling.