how should i do this???

Question

my husband is deployed to iraq. incicentally he cheated on me on his way over there after r and r. tells me he is sorry, would do anything to make it work, and keeps trying to talk me into staying with him...repeatedly and annoyingly. i have told him when he gets back i want a seperation and he is due back in less than two months. he just doesn't get the picture that i want to be left alone, and i don't know how to get across to him in a way that he will actually believe i am serious. this has happened before and i left, but stupid me came back. and the hard thing about it is we have two kids together. so he has to be a part of my life, forever....as their father and my ex...i can handle that, but he can't. he says he refuses to let me go, and of course he isn't gonna help me with anything, so......i'd like to know what some of you think about it thanx

Answer 1

It sounds like you need to work this out with a lawyer.

Answer 2

If you are serious about leaving, and it sounds like you are, you need to do it now. It's just going to be harder once he gets back and can sweet talk you to your face, and bat his eyes, and act nice.

I believe everyone deserves a second chance. He had his, and he blew it. From what I have witnessed, and I have witnessed this more times than I really care to think about, there are two types of cheaters: those who do it once, and are sincerely remorseful, and don't do it again; and those who figure they were forgiven once, so they will always be forgiven in the future. There's always going to be something in his life that he feels justifies his cheating, whether it's the stress of being deployed, or a pesky project in a corporate setting. He can say he's sorry and he'll do anything to make it work, but if that were really true, he would have kept his pants on in the first place, especially since you have been down this road before.

As for him not helping you, he has no choice. The military will deduct his obligations to you and the kids automatically from his pay. If he goes to work for someone else, you just have to file court papers, and they will garnish his wages, if necessary. Yes, it is a hassle, but he put himself in this position; you did not.

As for him refusing to let you go, you are not his property. You are free to do as you like. I just urge you to do it now, so that you can be relatively settled elsewhere when he comes home. I think that will be the easiest thing for you and for your kids.

And one last thing--don't let him tell you that it's your fault, because it isn't. Cheaters who end up divorced use that argument frequently, and often to great advantage. I know more than one person who has gone through tremendous heartbreak because a cheating spouse managed to convince them they were somehow responsible for the dissolution of the marriage. Cut your losses now, and run.

I wish you the very best.

Answer 3

Go to the nearest JAG office and request a Separation/Divorce Briefing. They will tell you about your rights and obligations. If you separate and go home with the kids, then you are entitled to his full BAH and is not a matter of whether he wants to help you or not, he is obligated under UCMJ to give you the full amount of BAH while separated. If he doesn't want to pay, all you have to do is to call his Company Comander or Fisrt Sargent. They will make him pay, ask for an allotment and NOT a check. If his Unit doesn't wanna cooperate, you may file an IG Complaint (Inspector General) . They will get you your money in a snap. Trsut me, I have helped many others in your same situation and I know what I'm talking about.

You will have to get a lawyer if you are seriously considering a divorce. JAG cannot represent you in Court. You can ask in your divorce draft for him to pay for your legal fees.

Depending on his income, he will have to provide Child support. This is dode during the divorce proceedigs. If you don;t work, you m,ay even be entitled tto alimony for at least a year.

Also, former spouses are entitled to 2.5% of his retirement money per year of marriage. This is federal law. So you will have a pension for life when he retires.

I'm sorry that this happen to you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Don;t get mad, get everything! Take him to the cleaners and go home, be happy.

Good luck, I hope this helps.

Answer 4

Well, the Bible says, that adultery is the only reason for divorce... You have your grounds if thats what you want.

Its basically "your call" on what you want to do. If he stays in the Military, he will still have to support the kids. And when he gets out, he will still have to support them also.

Now, can he make your life miserable? Yes!!
He can make you "broke" by filing all kinds of frivilous claims with the courts and break your bank account real fast! (I have seen it happen so many times, one or the other who has the most hatred does it, all the time).

So, all I can say is weigh all the consequences. And if you decide to go through with this, get a support group up, (Your friends and family) to be there when you need them the most.

I wish you well..

Jesse

Answer 5

Military duty aside, you need to dump him. You already gave him a second chance. I don't think this snake is going to change his stripes and it's not fair to you or the children. I would keep communication short and about the kids and deal with all this when he gets home. The fact that he isn't going to help you with anything and refuses to let you go, also speaks loads about his character or lack thereof. He is not believing you because you took him back once before. Don't make that mistake again. Many blessings to you and the children. I hope cheatin' hubby has a change of heart and doesn't make things any harder for you and the children than he already has.

Answer 6

I believe in the word "For better and Worse til death do you part"
Although he has cheated not that there's ever a good reason to cheat but were you all separated when it happened the first time....
If I were you I would'nt resort to the final answer getting a divroce...FIRST See a counselor.....and if that doesn't work and you both or should I say you cannot come to terms that it will work then I would say in the end you tried and did all you can do to make it work and it failed therefore you clal for a divorce......But only when you do any and all things no matter if your the one calling, paying or whatever. Atleast in your heart you know You tried your best! Good Luck!!!!

Answer 7

honey, this grows more interesting by the day. sorry to laugh at your expense. let me tell you from my expierences cheat once then cheat again. he will not change no matter how much he says he loves you. the channenge here is how much are you willing to accept? will you love him unconditionally? you told me before, you have no way to leave him. so what are you going to do now? if there is any way possible, leave him before he comes home. this will be a lot easier than later. you know when he gets there he will try to talk you into staying, so if leaving is in your heart then do it now. file the divorce papers and a restraining order is also recommended. but you 2 also have to meet at a common ground for the sake of kids and visitation. the army will make him pay support, they will collect it from him on your behalf and send it to you. if you do divorce, you maigh also be entilted to allimony since he cheated on you. be ready to prove that though. of course you are HIS security, so he will do everything in his power to make things difficult. but, be strong hang in there and the best of luck. i hope this helps

Answer 8

he cheated a second time so that in itself ended your marriage.He did this himself.And you are right for getting out if not this would turn into a viscious cycle.Once a cheat always a cheat.your right he will be part of your life forever regardless.He will be made to pay child support that is his responsibilitie if he dosent he gets his wages garnishes,loses his liscence,or can go to jail.So he will be there financially.He says he wont let you go.He has no choice you can get a divorce for infedility.So i would get a lawyer have him served the papers.And when he gets back he harrasses you or stalks you have a restraining order put against him at least until you go in front of a judge and get ur divorce

Answer 9

Atleast you are asking for opinions on the matter, because you know the actual decision depends on you and your state of mind. You weren't stupid to go back you had to make sure that you had done everything possible to make things work in the marriage. Now you've seen that he won't ever change regardless to the lies, and you want out. So, what he wants don't matter, and your happiness with your kids should be all you are concerned with to get through this situation. Do what you have to do, and it's not going to be easy. Take care of you and your kids, because he may mention taking the kids to hurt & detain your actions. Ignore this and go for what suits you.

Answer 10

Because he is in the service, he has to help you financially. He has no choice, paymaster will keep it from him for you. Leave before he comes home and file for divorce now. While he is gone you have more control over how things will go than while he is home. It is also harder for him to stop your finances. Don't take more than half or paymaster will come after you. Be financially fair. It will help you in the long run.
Your children deserve their momma, and you have no idea what he might bring home to devastate your life, HPV, AIDS, etc...
Best of luck to you my friend. You are making a wise choice. It is the only loving thing to do.

Answer 11

well, you need to decide if you are going to be ok on your own. You need to try to keep things as civil as possible since he will always be in your life and in your childrens lives. You will want to make the transition time as smooth for them as possible. Just sit him down and have a long talk with him when he gets back. Explain how you feel and find out how he feels, why he cheated.