Can they help it?

Question

I have a family member who is female biologically and is going to be having a sex change or use hormones to become more male like in body. Now, I understand some of the issues she/he feels, but I'm having a hard time rationalizing the idea that she HAS to transistion to be happy. Can she help this? What would happen to her life if she doesn't transistion? I'm her/his main emotional support system so I'm always loving and open with him about things, but I cannot bring myself to ask him WHY he cannot just stop and TRY to be a woman like he was made to be. He has 2 kids too and they don't have a father. I'm just a little bit confused as to the NEED to transistion... can't she just pretend here and there? Why hormones? Why surgery? What about the kids?
I love him and I want him to be happy, but I don't understand the NEED to transistion?

Answer 1

As others have said here, congrats and thanks for supporting your family member. It is the greatest gift you can give to be supportive and accepting. You asked if "they" can help it... no they cannot! Your relative has obviously spent many years "pretending" to be female as you mentioned. Imagine spending every minute of your life pretending to be something you are not- it would be exhausting, frustrating, irritating, and depressing. He has finally come to the end of his "pretend" rope, he needs to feel whole and complete. The surgeries and hormone treatments help them feel whole and right. (not to mention they won't have to always answer outragous questions about why they behave the way they do, think the way they think and dress the way they dress because then their outsides finally fit their insides and most people won't have any idea they changed. )
You will never be expected to fully understand how he feels. You obviously don't feel conflicted about the physical body your mind lives in so you cannot ever feel what he feels. He wants you to continue to support and accept. It's a given that this will be a challenge for everyone he loves and who loves him including the children but what he is doing is the best for everyone involved. The children will adapt with time, love, respect and supportive friends and family. And the adults that love him for his mind and soul will continue to love him in his fixed body.

Answer 2

I think the best comparison that I can make is the way that a gay man feels when in the closet. Some people may know that he's gay, but he won't be completely happy until he's completely out of the closet and living his life freely.

Speaking from personal experience [I was in a situation similar to yours], it's just that the person always feels like they're pretending. Everything about your friend is male, except for his body. Mentally, he feels as if he should be a man, but his body is, in fact, female. So it just feels wrong. Even though he could be living as a man, it would still feel wrong because there was a lack in the physical area. After surgery, he will feel more complete and happier because everything finally seems right, and he doesn't have to pretend to be completely male anymore.

I hope that helped. =)

Answer 3

I think it is very VERY hard to understand unless you are going through it. But there is something that happens when you realize internally that you feel unlike what your biology has assigned you to be. Everything feels wrong - the clothes, the walk, the talk, the face in the mirror, the look of the body - imagine for you that all of a sudden you snapped your fingers and became the opposite sex but your mind was the same - you'd feel like they did in the movie "freaky friday" - a body switch and one in which you desperately want to fix things - so you can finally, for the first time in your life feel.... 'normal.'

Answer 4

All good answers above. And I commend you for being such a huge support to him. It's hard enough to have such an internal struggle with who you are to also have to struggle with others trying to figure out/accept who you are at the same time.

I think you answered your own question with one thing you said: "can't she just pretend here and there?".

For him, it's not pretending. It would be like faking being straight if you were really gay; or vice versa. I'm sure he doesn't want to continue to live the rest of his life just "faking" it. You know?

I think maybe talk to him more about it and probe into the whys and hows and all that goes along with it. The more you know, and the deeper you get into the rationalization behind it all in his mind, I think you'll be able to see it more clearly. Just give it time.

You're awesome for being there for him!

Answer 5

Good answers here - I just want to add: how would you feel if every time you looked in the mirror you saw someone else looking back? That is, someone that's not really you? Trust me, it's lonely and frustrating. I'm FtM and beginning my own transition, and I can tell you that I am finally becoming me - the real me and it's liberating. Good for you for being so supportive. If you want to learn more, I recommend the book, "Just Add Hormones: An Insider's Guide to the Transsexual Exprience" by Matt Kailey (available on Amazon.com).

Answer 6

Think of it as plastic surgery. How would you react if he absolutely couldn't tolerate his nose or a ton of moles on his face? You'd support his decision to get those taken care of so he could feel more comfortable in his body, right? This is another way to make someone feel more comfortable in their body. Regardless, they're the ones who have to walk around in it, and they can't take it off.

Answer 7

well done for being there for him.
i would imagine he has been struggling with this for all his life and it has taken a lot to bring it to the surface and finally go thru the process.
im sure some of the FtM's will explain it more for you but again well done!