My friend found pix of her now husbands ex in their bedroom. Curious if he still talks to her she hacked into his email and found two interesting letters. One was sent last year when they were engaged, telling the other woman he was still single and that his mind was wondering. Another was sent in feb of this year to ANOTHER woman saying he wishes he was with her ! my friend is crushed and wants my advice but i am helpless ivenever been married and ive never been cheated on. If it were me i would leave before i had children with a man i could not trust but she is catholic and they do not believe in divorce. also she says she doesnt think he had sex with them he just wrote them letters. To me thats still cheating. Whats the best advice. Is it worth breaking a marriage up over?
2006-07-26 08:16:58 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Confront him, and leave him if he's cheating. She can't use religion to be a door mat. He's not keeping his wedding vows. If he has pictures of his ex in their bed -- she has her proof.
2006-07-26 08:19:39 · answer #1 · answered by Justsyd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think she should confront him. Oh yeah, he'll be pissed that she hacked into his email and she'll need to be ready for that, but at the same time, there must've been a reason for her to doubt him? Some kind of suspicion that prompted her behavior?
She obviously had her doubts and suspicions and although I don't condone what she did, what he's done or could still be doing is way worse! She's in denial if she thinks he's only written letters to these women - and those are just the ones she knows about. People who cheat find all kinds of ways to cheat. For example, that email address might not be his only one. He could have several. He might be meeting women in chat rooms. Who knows? Even if he has only gone so far as to write letters to these other women, he's still guilty, because he was trying to setup some cheating time. How do you justify being married and then writing to another woman saying "I wish I were with you." Hell, if it was my spouse writing to someone else saying he wanted to be with her that would tell me that obviously I'm not enough for him and he wants to be somewhere else.
She needs to let him know that she knows and that her trust has been broken. If he's a cheater he will do his best to turn it around and make her feel like crap for accessing his email and invading his privacy, but that's just to throw the light off of what he's done or is still doing. Personally, I'd leave his @*** and he'd have a hard road back to proving he could be trusted if I'd even consider taking him back.
2006-07-26 08:29:16 · answer #2 · answered by nquizzitiv 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have to be very careful in giving advices to your friend coz a marriage is at stake here. What you think is not a valid reason to tell that your friend's husband is cheating. regardless of evidences that says her husband is cheating, still you have no business telling her coz its mere speculation.
How many people has been accused of crimes because of evidences that points to them but actually are innocent ?
At this point in time, you have to be quiet until you have found a concrete evidence that proves your speculation but still never tell your friend about it but rather find a way to make your friend see in her two eyes this act of cheating.
you know why i'm telling you this? there will come a time that her husband will find out that you have been telling your friend about his cheating and he will deny it of course. he may fabricate things against you making you look like a liar to his wife. its like your word against his and who do you think you friend choose, you? i dont think so. you will end up the bad guy when all you wanted was to help.
If it is true that the husband is cheating, tell your friend not to blame her husband at once. she has to know what is wrong first. theres gotta be a reason why and maybe whatever that is, they can work it out. Maybe she is having faults with the husband or if the husband is really the problem, is there a way she can forgive for the sake of marriage?
leaving is not always the answer to marriage problems. People make mistakes and get confused. if we just give each one a chance, things will be so great!
if the marriage is not worth saving coz the husband is such dumb a s s, sooner or later, she will realize that she must love herself first and thus let go and end the marriage before they hurt each other more. I don't think her religion is holding her back from leaving her husband. she just loves her husband so much. she must hold on to this love until its time to let go.
2006-07-26 08:46:45 · answer #3 · answered by arthurmljr 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cheating is anything you wouldn't do with your partner right beside you (if its not right you wouldn't do it with them looking) and/or anything that it wouldn't be ok with you if your partner was doing it (don't expect anyone to put up with anything that you wouldn't put up with yourself).
By those definitions this guy is definitely cheating, he certainly didn't give his wife copies of the letters he sent to these women. If she chooses to live her life being miserable because she's catholic i guess thats her choice but then again if thats the case there is no reason to say anything at all about it, because she's not going to do anything about it anyway. And the moment she lets him know that he's free and clear to do whatever or whoever he wants whenever he wants, there are no consequences because she's catholic and doesn't believe in divorce. If you can't say hey no way i'm living my life being treated this way and i'll leave if thats the way its gonna be, you really have nothing to negotiate with. What is she going to say..you do that one more time and i'm gonna go to confession and pray and then pout for at least 2 weeks? wow that will certainly motivate him to straighten up right away! Apparently he doesn't put as much stock in being a religious person as she does so she loses right off the bat. Now, if she wants to be a person who is treated with dignity and respect then she has to demand that and the consequences for anything less must be severe.
Heavens no you don't bring children in to an environment like this, thats just a ridiculous idea. This relationship is not going to work, that is obvious, she may put up with it but thats a long way from having a good relationship.
This guy has already done this twice, there is NO question that he WILL do it again. It may be letters now but they just got married, by next year that will change too. Good luck to your friend, but she may have to make a choice between being a good catholic (and they do get divorced by the way) and being a foolish doormat. Oh and i'd definitely adivse her not to have sex with him unless she is protected, its one thing to not get divorced its another altogether to contract an STD from your husband!
2006-07-26 08:30:19 · answer #4 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes! it is sooo worth breaking a marriage up! I'm going through a divorce and I wish I would have had the backbone to kick him out when I found the clues he was cheating,(that guy.. is cheating) Instead I waited, pretended I didn't know anything.. until one day he went to the bank and never came home. Explain that to a 2 year old.
2006-07-26 08:28:49 · answer #5 · answered by Casey R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Has she confronted her husband? She needs to get some answers from him! If they do not believe in divorce, they're going to need some SERIOUS counseling to get this back on track. I can't imagine why she'd want to stay. Whether he's actually physically cheated or not, he cheated in that he's shared thoughts and emotions with another woman and betrayed his wife's trust. If he won't agree to counseling and setting things straight, I'd certainly leave!!!
2006-07-26 08:21:48 · answer #6 · answered by clarity 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The couple should try counseling first. If they divorce, it's possible for her to get the marriage annulled in the church, leaving her free to marry again. If he's writing letters of that nature, he is not being faithful to her or the marriage. Without honesty and trust, there is no marriage.
2006-07-26 08:25:54 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
she's going to do whatever she decides, you can't really convince her otherwise- people often use their religion as the excuse for why they stay, when a lot of them are really just too weak or insecure to leave. anyway, cheating is a reason to leave
in the catholic religion and i consider what he's doing to be cheating, how does she know more didn't happen? hes obviously looking for it! i'd advise your friend to atleast wait to have children because i'm sure she'll find proof that he's been w/ another woman eventually...
2006-07-26 08:23:05 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best advice I can give you about the best advice you can give her is to get the best advice of someone who's a professional at giving best advice.
You want to be her friend, not her shrink, not her marriage counselor, not her private eye, not her priest.
As a friend, your job is to be supportive of HER choices and decisions.
If you want to guide her, the nicest thing to do (besides getting her to a professional) is to ask her open-ended questions that will help her clarify her own thinking.
"What makes the marriage worth working on?"
"How can you strengthen your relationship so that it is the kind of marriage that would make Jesus and your priests really happy?"
"What would it take for you to feel safe in this relationship?"
Don't judge, don't fill in the blanks, don't give her answers. Just keep asking questions. Remember, you don't have any answers.
Only she knows what it will take to make her happy.
Only she knows what marriage means to her.
Only she knows what her faith means to her.
Only she knows.
Just love her and be there for her.
2006-07-26 08:27:14 · answer #9 · answered by Gracie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not cheating but snooping will always find you stuff
to p!$$ you off..ALWAYS if you're looking. Technically
if they were engaged, to most men, he WAS still single.
The bastard did err with the 2nd one though. She needs
to fess up and tell her husband he hurt her...but no,
divorce at this point is uncalled for. He's a flirt who needs
more boundaries and they need more trust and communi-
cation. Why was she snooping? Oh yeah, and he needs
to discard the pictures or put them away where she
never has to see them. I hate that picture thang. Hate it.
2006-07-26 08:21:55 · answer #10 · answered by shannonlilia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not Catholic and I will never put up with a man who cannot be faithful to me in every way.
But, if she strongly beleives in her faith, and wants to make her marriage work, perhaps she should speak with her priest. Hopefully he would talk with him and set up some counseling for the two of them. Or maybe some couseling outside the church.
Either way, your friend should not just put up with this kind of behavior from her husband. It is degrading.
2006-07-26 08:22:28 · answer #11 · answered by shirley_corsini 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋