My husband has been verbally and emotionally abusing me for years and now has started in on the kids, too. He's been violent in the past, also, and I am not sticking around anymore to find out what he will do next. I am trying to leave, but the lawyer I just talked to told me that I can't file for separation or divorce and then leave the state because I will be kidnapping and stealing (as all my assets will be frozen once I file). I need to mve to Florida because that's where my family is (and i will need the monetary and emotional support....so I can leave and hope he doesn't chase me down...the lawyer said I can't file a protective order because there has been no documented physical abuse.
What the heck is wrong with the laws in this country? What am I supposed to do to protect myself and my kids????? HELP, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-07-26 08:10:45 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have been there. This is how it will work. If you leave to go to Florida you will have to wait the required amount of time before you will be able to file for a divorce. In the meantime your ex will be able to file for it in the state where you originally lived making it mandatory for you to appear in court to fight him for custody, assets and what not. What I recommend is that you contact your relatives and have them help you get out of there ASAP and when you get to Florida go to a women's shelter and ask for assistance. Alot of places are very informative, and if nothing else you have a support group. CALL THE COPS if he hits you again. SERIOUSLY!!! I had that same issue, no grounds for a protective order cause I never called the cops. Good luck, if you need someone to talk to just shoot me a message.
2006-07-26 08:17:33 · answer #1 · answered by neonate_mistress 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Pack up your things and move out! While it's true that you have to stay in the same state/city you could find an affordable place to stay or even room to share. The next step is to find a good lawyer and openly talk about everything that have happened. If your family in Florida could help you is even better (wire some money or come and visit at this difficult time are some alternatives). Make sure you file a restraining order against your husband (I don't know what state are you in but you could do that in police precinct) or your lawyer could do that through court system when you do file for a divorce or separation (suggested). Don't give up and be strong for you and your children. It might be difficult to do but with good support and decent attorney you should be able to do OK.
P.S. The reason I recommended separation is because if he really does love you and the kids and is willing to get help through the counseling the proceedings should be easier and cheaper. I wish you all the luck. What I don't understand is why you suffered all those years and waited so long to get out of this abusive relationship? There are many support groups for women like you and you should have done the research - but please don't think I blame you - no way. No one would know how hard it could be unless they are in your shoes. So, keep your chin up and Good Luck again.
2006-07-26 08:26:29 · answer #2 · answered by ilana73 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would really question what the lawyer told you. Its not kidnapping until custody is decided. I was never married so it may be a little different but the father of my kids kept them from me for 3 days and I went to the cops. They said nothing can be done until a court order for child custody is in place. So he couldve kept them for as long as he wanted!! Anyway, I would highly recommend you take the following steps. 1. Research what the law says about keeping your children during a divorce. 2. Record on paper or to the police every single event of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. 3. Get a small tape recorder to have handy and record as much as you can. (i did this and it is wonderful to have!) 4. Get out of that house ASAP, your kids do not need to be around any kind of abuse any longer. 5 I would double check with the police about getting a protective order on your husband. I dont think you have to have proof of an incident. If you feel you are in danger then Im sure they can do something! Good luck and God bless.
2006-07-26 08:18:51 · answer #3 · answered by breeokc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First let me say that the laws for abused women in this country suck. I am so sorry that you are in the position that you are in. It may seem like it is an impossible situation, but I do have a few suggestions for you and I hope they help.
1. Find an abuse center in your area and either call them or go to see them. Talk to them about your situation and find out exactly what your options are.
2. If you have a close relationship with the family you have in Florida, you might want to involve them. What I mean is that if you are able to file for divorce, but you have to stay in the area, and/or you want to stay in the house, you might ask a male family member to come stay with you for a while, just until you file. I get the impression that if you told your husband that you filed for divorce that he might become violent. He might be less apt to do that if there is someone else in the house with you. This is only if you think your husband would not hurt the person you ask to stay with you. You don't want to make a bad situation worse.
3. If you have friends in the area and they are willing to get involved, let them know what is going on and ask for their help.
There are two more important things. Make sure that you find an abuse center before you consider anything else. They'll know the laws in your state and be able to give you some alternatives if you can't leave the state. Second, do not feel embarrassed about what is happening to you and your children. Ask for help. I know from your statement that you want to protect your children and that is the most important thing. This situation is not about you or anything that you have done-this is about your husband and his problem. Treat it like that.
Good Luck and I would love to know that you got out OK.
2006-07-26 08:24:56 · answer #4 · answered by writeroftheyear1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am really sorry to hear this and i feel bad that you have put up with it for so long. You need to get out no matter what. If people find out that you are dealing with this and not turning him in and now that he is after your kids, d.c.f.s can take your kids away. My suggestion is to find a program that takes in abused women and their children. Or you should go to Florida with the kids without filing for a divorce just yet. You are not kidnapping, just going on a long visit. Don't worry about your assets. You can't replace a life with houses and cars and money. You first mistake is not reporting him a long time ago, but I am not in your situation and can't judge you for that. You need to get out soon before something goes terribly wrong. Good luck and take care.
2006-07-26 08:21:43 · answer #5 · answered by Debbie B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hear ya. The law can really mess things up. I would suggest that you find a local womans support group for abused women. They will know the laws of your state & help you with a plan to get away from this man. There might be a way you can move with your family and work on the divorce from the other state.
You need to make sure that you fallow the letter of the law or the law will work against you. You need to start documenting any abuse with calls to the cops and take a picture of any bruises etc that will be evidence against him.
It sounds like your attorney isn't going to try and help you get out of the state. You need an attorney that fights for the rights of abused women. You definatly need to make sure that you don't break the law or your husband will use that aginst you.
You may need to file with the court to get permission to leave the state in order to have a safe place to stay. A women's support group will help you with that. Look on the internet for groups that help women.
Be careful and remember to doucument everything.
2006-07-26 08:21:43 · answer #6 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
have you seen a therapist?? that is a form of abuse - Mental abuse and your records for therapy are your proof. But, your lawyer is right, you can not leave the state or it will be considered kidnapping. Was your ex ever incarcerated? There has to be a file for what he was jailed for. That shows prior behavior.
I would suggest going to a woman's and children's shelter and tell NO ONE where you are because they might accidentally tell your husband. City Light is one here in Idaho, you might have a chapter there. They will help you and keep you safe if your fleeing from domestic violence.
REMEMBER: You can always get a different Lawyer and 2nd opinion if you don't like what the first one has to say.
2006-07-26 08:16:40 · answer #7 · answered by ziggunerin 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is true, he can charge you with kidnapping if you leave the state. My advice is to, contact your local police department, explain the situation & ask them to escort you to a battered women & children home. Contact an attorney & the faster they can get you into court for a hearing the better. Dont leave the state until the court says you can, the shelter will take care of you until you can move to FL. I know this sounds far too complicated & you might be tempted to just stay, but DONT. There is help out there for you & the police are more than happy to help women in these situations. Good luck & stay strong, who knows by this time next year you could have a new life started in FL!!
2006-07-26 08:42:09 · answer #8 · answered by Ashley 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For one thing you can get a restraining order without documented physical abuse. I was in an abusive relationship and was able to get one. I would get a second opinion, be careful about leaving the state. Can your parents come to where you are until things are situated and you can leave? I would contact a woman's shelter right away so at least you have a safe place for you and your children. I just want to say, I'm proud of you for having the courage to get up and leave. I know it's one of the hardest and scariest things to do. No matter what, at some point get counseling! I did and I believe it really helped. If you think you can't do it and want to go back to him, just keep thinking about your children...it won't be easy but they deserve to be in a happier situation. You will be in my prayers, please go get help!!! DO NOT meet him alone!!! Follow your gut feeling on everything if it feels weird leave, run get your kids to a safe place.
God Bless
2006-07-26 13:17:12 · answer #9 · answered by kami m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie If I was in your situation I would just leave, I know its easier said than Done. Stop and just Think about the safety of your kids and yours, who knows what he might be capable of next. Get another opinion from a different lawyer am sure there is something else you can do about this situation. Get witnesses, once you are ready to leave let your lawyer know so that there is proof that you left because you were in danger . BUT PLEASE DONT GIVE UP! < I hope everything works out God Bless
2006-07-26 08:33:51 · answer #10 · answered by MrsRuiztobe 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋