Can someone help me on this?

Question

Hi am really confused on something..I have been married for 2 years and I really love my husband but we argue alot and alot of it is over his kid from another relationship and my kid he is alot stricter and more hateful to my daughter then his son and we both point out each others faults also we argue over his ex she is this type of person who thinks she can control everyone and run our lives.so that gets me and my husband arguing,and he defends her and gets mad at me if I say something about her but if she says something about me he is as cool as a cucumber and just answers her with a no or something.he says he doesnt want to be with her and he loves me but I dont feel that way when he gets mad over thins I say about her..do I have a right to feel this way or not?

Thanks guys I am glad I found this site it actually helps talking about it..We have tried counseling and we never could find a sitter so we had to stop going...see his family wont watch my 2 kids much and my family well they are all in Tn and I am in ks...i have told him how I felt but he would get mad and start yelling at me and I would start back.
there is part of me that wants to leave him and another part says I dont know...i know she will always be in the picture but the reason I am the way I am toward her is she had the nerve to tell me one day that he still loved her and wanted her back and I told him about this but in all honesty I dont think he really believed me and he said even if I where to leave him he wouldnt have her back...and as for the kids I talk to him about that and he says he doesnt know why he does it like I told him they all needed to be treated equal and you know the said part is his son said his mom pays him 5 dollars not to listen to me,andhehasntsaidnothing

and the reason that started is because my daughter was swimming at his parents house and the ex came there and Im not sure exactly what happened and my daughter looked at her and said you cant tell me what to do and so thats why she is paying her son..

Answer 1

There are real issues in this marriage, IF these are affecting "your" daughter then you have to ask if this is the best thing you can do for her. If he is "hateful" then for her sake you might want to separate and see if he realizes that he is treating the both of you incorrectly. If he doesn't you might have to divorce him. Good luck.

Answer 2

They say the first two years of marriage are the hardest, for you it's double jeopardy. Having the children involved makes things tougher. As well as a meddlesome ex. If you have sat down with your husband and explained your feelings and they still go weigh side then I suggest seeking marriage counseling if he does not want that then he has a problem and unfortunately nothing will change him. Talking is the key to a happy healthy relationship. I hope everything works out for you if not there are plenty fish in the sea.

Answer 3

You have to realize that no matter what has happened in the past she is still and always will be the mother of his child, sounds to me that he has not let go of his previous relationship before getting into one with you. I assume he feels angst against your child because she is not his, a marraige is give and take, you take whatever baggage comes with the other person, something it seems he has not done, there is nothing wrong with counseling and in my opinion it is something that you both need. Communication is the key, let him know how you feel, and tell his ex that you are all in it together wether you want it that way or not, be adults about it, in the end the kids see what is going on.

Answer 4

First thing you must do is put your foot down. He knew you had a child before you married and same goes for you. Once you got married not only did you committ to each other but also to the children. you both need to treat each others kids as if they are your own. As for the ex all i can tell you to do is ignore her. Its seems that she knows that what she does bothers you and by you getting mad, it only adds fuel to the fire. by the way, she doesnt control you, you control you. Just because she wants things done a certain way doesnt mean you have to do them. Dont let her try to control you. if she tells you to do something that you dont agree with, just ignore her demands and do what you want but only if it does not involve her child. Remember that she is his mother and will always be and to her you are just his stepmother. You and your husband should try to talk without arguing and if that doesnt work try counseling.

Answer 5

Hey i am telling you from experience i think he does still loves her. If he defends her and puts you down(his wife). then what are you doing with him. Honestly no thats not right at all. Also about the kids, yeah those are your kids and if you see it happening then why are you letting your kids get a beat down or yelled at if you know it's not right. THIS IS FOR ALL THE WOMEN WHO HAVE KIDS. YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST. BECAUSE THIS GUY COULD DIVORCE YOU AND LEAVE YOUR BUTT OUT IN THE STREET AND HE WOULD NOT CARE. BUT YOUR CHILDREN WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So now you should think really hard and see if he's really worth it. because your daughter will grow up and ask you why did you let that happen to her. Think about it.

Answer 6

you have a "right" to feel anything..whether it makes you angry, or sad, or happy you have a right to feel ANYTHING. the problem is, your husband needs to understand and Validate that your feelings matter to him, regardless of if you are right or the ex wife is right. what u need to do is talk to him, calmly, and explain that you don't want to make it a competition, but when he argues or defends his son and ex-wife WITHOUT making you feel safe and secure in Your marriage, that's when it's very easy to jump to conclusions and feel that he "loves them more than you". that's probably not true because he married you. and of course it's hard to treat a step son/daughter the same as your own kid... that's something both of you need to work on and treat the kids best you can w/o letting jealously or anger about the parents get in the way. maybe he feels like a failure in his previous marriage, and feels that he needs to "make it up" to her by being passive regarding anything she says (even if it's bad about you). just remember and appreciate what u HAVE, which is him as your husband. communicate, let him know how u feel, that he is choosing sides sometimes instead of working on making YOU feel happy and secure. if he did that, then it wouldn't matter at all what the ex wife said; she is completely out of Your relationship. of course he still has some type of relationship w/ her regarding custody of kids, etc, but don't let that interrupt your relationship. try to figure out a way to get the kids to be friends, get along and get to know either parents better. if u feel that he is treating ur daughter badly, that is a bad sign because he married into your family, you married into his. the children become YOURS together, not one to one, the other to another.

Answer 7

Been there, done that. First, you have to accept that he has a child from a previous relationship and that child's mother will be in you and your husband's lives forever (as long as you two are together). After accepting that, you have to accommodate for that child as much and as fluidly as possible.

If you feel like he treats your child different from yours, honestly, that may very well be the case. People, men and women, will treat their own blood better than anyone else...its a given. You two have to sit down to discuss this, and bring it to his attention while it's happening.

For the moment, believe that he loves you (you are the one wearing the ring) unless something blantantly obvious tells you otherwise. He should be sensitive to your plight as you ARE his wife, and he should be defending you, not her. You two are the ones together, and you two should agree and put into place that she does not run your household. You and he need to be firm about that. I speak from experience, as my ex husband had to be "reminded" of the same exact thing: he has NO say in what happens in my household. And, do NOT, do NOT, let her spike a wedge between the two of you.

Answer 8

He's married to you not to his ex - his desires are you make you happy and yours is to do the same for him. Because he has children from his ex she'll always will be in the picture because of the children you will have to accept that, but there is a line that both your husband and his ex should never cross meaning to never hurt you in any way - that's disrespectful and unloving coming from a husband. You and your husband should set up something to have his children spend more time - such as summer with their real mother - it will help so that you'll have the time to spend together without the pressure of his children, and it will give the mother more responsibility keeping busy and out of your hair for that time.

Answer 9

It does not get much more complicated than this. You are together but inmany ways outsiders to the other person's respective outer situation. On the one hand you have a responsibility to each others children as adults, not neccessarily parents but as the responsible adult in the house. On the other hand, each set of kids is still the kids of that other adult. I can tell you that the WORST thing you can do is get involved in the situation between the parents of the kids. Your hubby and his ex. Meaning that you should NOT talk about her in any way, shape or form. She is for HIM to deal with. Not only that but if you talk about her in front of her children, it will get back to her AND is just wrong. Do not get involved or voice opinions about her. Leave it alone. Deal with your own situation yourself and leave hubby out of it. The two of you need to sit down and go over ground rules and decide how to handle the whole situation TOGETHER. Find out HOW each of you wants the other to deal with things and in so doing, shape yourselves to the specifics of the roles each of you is expected to play in the big picture. Maybe he keeps his mouth shut to her when she vents about you because he understands that she is just being ignorant and blowing it up is not worth it because he knows better about you and therefore does not feel the need to fuel her fire. Maybe he just knows better and therefore does not feel the need to prove anything to her by arguing the point. After all, she IS the ex. Why should he expend so much effort on her when there are more important people in his life to expend it on? He does not have to defend himself or you to anyone or answer to her for his choices. Seems to me that he has figured that out. Maybe he gets upset with you because YOU are in his immediate life and he thinks it is not right for you to say the things you do for the same reasons. SHE is not your problem and it is a waste of time to put effort toward making her your problem. Stay out of it and let him deal with her. You deal with immediate things. He's a big boy and can deal with his outside issues himself. Just support him by loving him. Good luck. Hope this helped!

Answer 10

I think that you both need to go to counseling. You can't fight over stupid stuff like this. As for the different treatment on the children, that really needs to be solved. Your daughter is going to feel like she is being singled out and that isn't fair.

Go to counseling and see how things work out from there.

Good luck!